MIL slagging off mum to 2.5 y o daughter

[ZoeRose81]

Not going to lie, i may have had some wine. Its too long a story to explain WHY my husband and i ended up being suspicious, but we’ve asked a few questions of our toddler daughter this morning and discovered that during her last FOUR MONTH visit living with us (she is resident in America) my MIL spent much time drip feeding poison into the ear of my then 2.5 year old daughter about my mother, who lives round the corner and provides much of my daughters regular daycare. ‘What did granny say to you about nanny?’ ‘Nanny is not a nice girl.’ Etc etc. So, Mil is sat in my living room right now, not knowing that we know. Husband is bewildered and not wanting to believe this shitty turn of affairs and i (who have been teetotal for years due to just not really liking alcohol or being drunk) am on my third glass of mulled wine in the playroom wondering what the f to do. Merry Christmas!

If you're no closer to believing one way or the other, I think recording is the only way to go. It sounds like an awful situation, but children don't just go off people. Your mum may have pissed her off (smallest thing) and that's why she's no longer as keen, or your MIL could be a poison gnome in her ear.

Have you tried speaking to your mum about it? I just don't see why a 2 year old would make up that sort of lie. Lie about sneaking sweets, lie about breaking toys yes - but do they really have the nouse to go with "one grown up tells me this about another"? Happy to be wrong but it just seems a bit off.

If you think MIL has something to do with it and she's previously had form, I would trust your gut and your child.

Hackmum, context is important here. This 2.5 year old isn't saying she was abused or touched inappropriately. She is claiming that one of her grandmothers said the other wasn't a nice girl.

At that age, they do tell stories. All people are saying to the OP is that she needs to approach this carefully since she should at the very least consider the real possibility that her 2 year old is making this up.

I am with the poster who said that it is possible that this is how the OP's daughter actually feel about the OP's mum (her maternal grandmother).

Do the two grandmothers have much interaction with each other?

I have been in a similar situation, although the person that mil was running down was me. DS was also 2 although very verbally advanced for his age. I was in hospital for 6 weeks at the time- on bed rest as I had gone into premature labour with dd and despite managing to stop labour, contractions started whenever I mobilised.

My ds came in to visit most days and dh had been staying at his dp’s whilst I was in hospital. Dh was being very cold and cruel to me at the time, he would dump ds with me and disappear to the cafe. As soon as dh left the room my ds would say ‘my Nana not like you Mammy.’ ‘Nana shout at Daddy, she not like you Mammy’. Ds is autistic and was very much a parrot, anything that was said around him would be repeated back. He wasn’t imaginative, he would purely repeat back what had been said to him. DH was aware of this as ds had repeated back to me his Daddy using language that was rather colourful whilst driving!

After two weeks of hearing ds repeat awful things that mil had been saying about me and my Mother, I lost it with dh and asked him wth was going on at his Mothers and told him everything that ds had been telling me. DH admitted that everything ds had said had happened, mil and FIL were having huge arguments with dh, demanding that he leave me and take custody of ds. Apparently I could have dd, as dh didn’t have a bond with her yet, due to her not being born yet. (In-laws had previously flipped the lid when dh proposed, he was thrown out and basically disowned as they felt I was not good enough for their ds. I offered to let them back into our lives after we were married and I fell pregnant with ds) I flipped and dh took ds to stay with my dp’s.

In my experience, as a Mother you know your dc! If your dd is prone to making things up, then obviously you would take what she said with a pinch of salt. However, given the change in behaviour and your dd commenting that your MIL had said something about your DM, what your dd is saying, explains the change in behaviour. So I would be discussing seriously with my dh why this needs to stop!

For a start, if mil dislikes her house in America she can bloody sell it! It is outrageous to demand to stay with you for 6 months of the year! I would be putting my foot down and saying short visits are welcome, anything longer and she is outstaying her welcome. I would also be making sure that you don’t leave your dd alone with your mil. Your mil is clearly manipulative and an unhealthy influence on your dd. So unfortunately you will need to make sure that you are with your dd when your mil is around.

If your mil provides childcare whilst you work then I’m sorry but I would be finding alternative childcare! I would also make sure that your dh tells his dm that you both know that she has been running your DM down and that it needs to stop.

Unfortunately, it sounds like your dh is reluctant to believe your dd, so likely will do none of the above. In that case I would be sure to let slip to mil

‘you need to watch everything you say with dd, she is a little parrot who repeats back to me everything she hears! She got DH in trouble the other day for saying bad words in front of her. You should hear what she has said you have been saying! There are no secrets in this house when dd is around’

In my situation, dh was being heavily manipulated by his dp. Thankfully he finally grew a backbone and we have been nc for seven years!

Regardless of whether your daughter is making up stories or your MIL is feeding her bile, the living arrangement isn’t working for your child.

On the one hand it is so disruptive she makes up stories and becomes upset at her usual childcare. That could be just down to not having the extra MIL attentention. On the other hand she is being manipulated by your MIL. It might be impossible to work out which in the short term. But the cause is the same.

This is something your husband has to take on board. The other thing is that his mother’s housing situation needs to be resolved by his mother. If she doesn’t like living in her home she needs to move. Otherwise putting her up for half the year is just facilitating her unhappiness. In reality she wants to live abroad and have a home base. If so, she can fund it herself because you didn’t sign up to her life plan. That plan is causing disruption to your family life and distress to your daughter.

So my advice, stick to the line that her staying with you caused problems for DD. Don’t go into the details just say she was playing up and distressed by the changes, during and after. So you both have decided that the arrangement for her to stay needs to end. For the sake of your daughters wellbeing and family life. Then move the discussion on to how your MIL should decided whether to stay permanently abroad or not.

I’d nanny cam the house and not feel slightly guilty about it

Also even if you liked her, 4 months!?!

Nannycam.

Why is she in your house if she makes you so miserable? I’d address that bit personally. She made you cry every day for a month with her behaviour? Why is your husband allowing her to do this?

This x 1,000!

She wants to stop with you for 6 months every year and yet she makes your life a misery?

Tell her to leave as soon as you feel you can. Don't leave her alone with your DD no matter how much you want a night out - and whether your DD is telling the truth, or is just very imaginative, you will know that there is no poison being dripped, and that everyone is okay. Don't invite her back for regular extended visits. A month, every now and then, is quite enough.

If she doesn't like her house, that's her problem - don't let her make it yours. You can't spend months sobbing in your own home because or this woman - that will certainly affect your DD and your relationship with your DH.

A two year old is not a reliable witness.

In a legal sense? No. But they don’t come up with things out of nowhere. If she’s saying that one grandma is slagging off the other? That’s sure as hell the truth one way or another....

Nannycam!!!!

Young children let alone toddlers really do make things up out of nowhere.You would do well to remember that

With the sudden change in your child’s behaviour to your mom in conjunction with your MILs presence it’s very coincidental that they happened at the same time. Her saying that your MIL said your mom was not nice could have been suggested by you accidentally depending on how you questioned her, children are very susceptible to the power of suggestion.

I would be very suspicious of your MILs intentions due to her previous manipulative behaviour. I wouldn’t doubt she has used your daughter as well. I would substantive proof from a nanny cam or similar. She is probably the behaviour regularly ie grandma lovesyou more then your mom. Or even more then mom or dad... Who knows! You should get something soon for your Dh to believe it and as back up.

Also, 6 months is too long. It will affect your relationship with DH, daughter and your mental health. If she doesn’t like her home in America she can sell and buy one she likes or sell and move back. There are better options then living with you for half of the year!!!

My 2.5 year old fell over in front of me and cut his nose - when DH asked him what happened he said "Gran cut his nose with a pair of scissors" we hadn't seen Gran for a few weeks haha!
Toddlers aren't the most reliable source of info!

My brother was about this age when he told someone that my mum smacks him and gives him stones for his dinner 🤣

My mum is the most gentle woman you could ever meet and although some of her meals have been god awful, I can categorically say that she has never fed any of us stones.

Moral of the story - some 2yo's talk bollocks.

5 year old grandson dropped off at school, my daughter, me and 3 year old grandson dropped into local attached church. Woman there, arranging flowers. "Hello small boy, etc. I see you've come from school, is your brother there?" Grandson "No. I haven't got a brother, I've got a sister but she doesn't live with us, she lives in America". Absolutely untrue. Yes brother, no sister, no America. Exit embarassed daughter now convinced she will forever be known as that woman who sent her daughter away to live in America.

Young children let alone toddlers really do make things up out of nowhere

I disagree. Some make things up, of course. But that’s as a result of an overactive imagination sparked by something they’ve seen on TV, heard in a story etc. This little girl is saying that the MIL is saying something specific and, by the sound of it, eminently plausible, about her own mother. It’s a very different kettle of fish from her saying that her Granny lives in a spaceship.

How long is left of the visit? If more than a month you need to ask her to leave early. Doesn’t sound like a happy environment for any of you.

In the mean time I’d just say to her that the next visit won’t be longer than 2 weeks and no more frequent than every 6months.
Tell her this hasn’t worked out and you’re sure she must feel the same. Plus you are both aware of what she has been telling DD and who she’s been saying it about.

Don’t reveal anymore than that or the nature of what was said. Don’t be drawn on it, just keep saying that you know and see if she hangs herself with any justification.

poppop Are you the MIL?

Yesa because anyone who sides with a MIL must clearly be a troll.

As a MIL I have bad feelings about this story. Despite the famous unreliability of little ones, some things don't stack up. The child's behaviour is changing to her previously loved grandma, The trouble is if you start to question a toddler they will try very hard to tell you what they think you want to hear. I think you should assume its true, go for preventative measures and certainly stop hosting her for 6 months

And this is why abusers get away with it!
You should always listen to a child albeit with a pinch of salt but never EVER dismiss what a child has told you!

Thanks so much to everybody who posted advice here. In the end, I decided to blow off some steam with my dad, but ended up spilling my guts to my mum who was amazing. She said the following;

“Well, either it’s true, in which case it’s very sad for *** that she has such little security in her own ability to be loved as a grandparent, or it’s not true, in which case you’re going to make yourself look foolish in pursuing it. I have my own relationship with GD and, when you finish your maternity leave, we’ll get our closeness back. I couldn’t care less.”

I don’t think I’ve ever had so much respect for my mum. She told me absolutely not to pursue it and reminded me that my DH and I are completely united in not letting her spend time alone with DD anyway. AND we’re laying down crazy house rules next time she comes to stay. She left this morning (YAAAAASSSSS) so my week of being ignored and snipped at is at an end. GOD BLESS US, EVERYONE

Good outcome, ZoeRose. Would still consider getting a nannycam as well for next time though!