Need helpful opinions on difficult Grandmother

[DippyDiplodocus]

Warning: Long.

I'm finding myself in an increasingly difficult situation due to my Grandmother's behaviour.

She's 86 and my Grandfather is 89. They still live together in their own house, GF still drives and they get out and about when they need to for shopping etc (relevant). My parents also visit them weekly and spend an evening with them.

I have a 5 month old DD(1) and a DH - recently married. We live in the same village as GM & GF, around a 2-3min drive/10 min walk.

In recent years GM's behaviour seems to have deteriorated/changed. She will often make strange or unnecessary remarks, say things that are intentionally goady or things that are just plain hurtful.

I have tried to maintain the relationship between me and my grandparents, for DD (although I know she's too small to know any different currently) and for them too as (to be honest) I'd feel bad if I was to prevent them knowing their Great Grandaughter. (Not that I ever have done that - also relevant).

Because of the way GM speaks to me and the things she says makes me feel as though I want to avoid her, GF is fine and he isn't ever a problem.
I do go to their house when I can and I take DD to see them, although I admit this has been a little sporadic due to busy home life and feeling like I'd rather avoid the whole situation.
They very rarely come to my house. I have lived here for five years and they have visited perhaps five or six times total.
They drive past my house every week to go to the supermarket and never call in, even though I have told them countless times that they are welcome.

Anyway. Yesterday we had a family gathering. Grandparents were attending.
DH, DD and I went along too. There were around 10 of us total.

Throughout the evening GM kept dropping in remarks about how she wishes she had seen DD more and that I never go to see her and it's basically my fault she is missing out on her growing up. My GF had dropped into our house a couple of days previous to this without her - she was invited but didn't come. I mentioned this to her and she shrugged it off. I also mentioned that they know where we live and she replied "where do you live" and smirked.

Throughout the evening GM kept telling me that things I were doing were wrong, "well, I never did that" or asking other family members if they would do what I was for DD, do they think that's right, etc.

DD was getting a bit overwhelmed and tired during the evening and so we decided to leave. GM then pipes up about how she hasn't held her and that it's a shame that we are taking DD home, etc etc. It's all very "woe is me". I explained that DD was tired and cranky and that we should meet again and she could hold her then. I just get an unimpressed face back.

She makes out as if I passed DD around everyone and kept her away from her, which is absolutely not the case.
I know after we left that she made more remarks about this as my sister informed me.

All of it is starting to piss me off to be honest. I am conscious that I should probably see them more due to their age but I am having to force myself because of the way she behaves and I get anxious before I go.

I have wondered if there is something going on mentally or if she's just like this. By all accounts she's always had a bit of a mean streak but it seems to be getting worse.

I don't know what to do. My parents are struggling to cope with her too and they have said they visit every week because they feel like they have to,

I just feel guilty I guess.

I would question whether she has early stages of dementia but also, some people are just unpleasant and have no excuse for it.

I suppose the question is, do I just put up with it? She seems to get worse every time I see them.

Guilt is a waste of emotion. Also, elderly people often become very self centred and can find it very difficult to see the bigger picture outside of their little "me" bubble.

As you say - they know where you live. You have extended several invitations. if GM is really that bothered she would take up your invitation.

And I really couldn't be doing with the remarks and the sniping.

Leave it - she knows where you are. Park the guilt and carry on with your life.

I thought early stage dementia too if it’s a change of character. Might be something to be mindful of. If not, and you can’t just ignore it for the sake of the grandchildren seeing them, just don’t go.

Personally, no - I wouldn't put up with it. If she really is developing dementia there is nothing you can do and it will only get worse. It's hard but you have your own life and your own family to put first.

If visits are unpleasant, then don't visit. If they ask why, tell them. Nothing to be gained by being dishonest.

I have considered that it could be dementia playing a part in it too.

I think I mostly feel sad about it as I have fond childhood memories of time spent with our grandparents and now it's just horrible and I dread it.

You GM is very elderly and tired, probably a little confused and maybe a little jealous of the new baby, be patient, caring and tolerant it will stand you in good stead when you DD is trying your patience in a few years time. Don’t avoid contact with your GPS you may regret it one day, I still miss mine so much 20 years on and have a little guilt. you are a new Mum and new Mums can also be a little self obsessed, due to hormones, intense love etc. Bite your tongue and give her a hug

Could she be depressed? It's very common amongst older people and might explain why she feels unable to come to your house. She may worry she'll be expected to come often and may not feel she can cope with that.

As for tips, I can would try to keep visits short and activity-focused. So, rather than sitting around with a cup of tea, do something at her house or with her. Without knowing more it's hard to say what but popping round with some extra bits of shopping they might need, engaging with her hobby, doing the crossword. All the while (fingers crossed) baby gurgles on a playmat on the floor. These will take up time and stop the conversation becoming personal but will keep up contact.

If you think she may be depressed or otherwise unwell you could perhaps watch and the wait for a little longer and then have a quiet and gentle word with your GF telling him what you have noticed?

Above all though, you have a very small baby. Conserve your energy for her - it's a very demanding as well as rewarding time. Hopefully you'll have a few more years for your relationship with your GM to work out. Your little one will only be a tiny baby for a very short time and it is totally acceptable to focus almost exclusively on being her mum for now.

Similar observations here, with my DM of the same age as your DGM, and DM being hostile to her DGD (my much loved niece).

My DM is hostile and says overtly passive-aggressive things to DN, and when challenged, DM says “oh it’s just my sense of humour, I don’t mean it” type of thing.

DN has developed a brilliant coping strategy, she visits DGM regularly but as soon as DGM says something unpleasant, then DN just quietly gets up and leaves, to remove herself from the situation.

DGM certainly notices when she just quietly leaves, and the visits become less frequent - and DGM is now learning to adjust her behaviour accordingly!

I don't put up with this shit from my GPs. I literally only see them around their birthdays and at Christmas now. One has always been negative and offensive and I've kept my distance for over 20 years now. The other was ok with me but really hateful about another grandchild, out of whose arse the sun now, apparently, shines. I cut my losses with her when I walked in on her slagging my DB off to my cousin, something she denies.

Age is no excuse for being an unpleasant human being and you don't have to feel guilty.

Oh another thing I've just remembered -

I went to visit with DD a couple of months ago, so she was around 3months old.

GF held her and she woke up after about 5 mins and started getting a little cranky, so I took her back, no drama.

GM then wants to hold her a little later. I pass her over. 30 seconds in GM claims that DD is uncomfortable on her and she doesn't want to sit with her and she just wants me. DD isn't doing anything out of the ordinary, just sitting there, looking in my direction. I say "are you sure? She looks ok to me"
No - she wants you, she doesn't like me.

So then all I hear for the rest of the visit is that DD doesn't like GM. She then tells the whole family the same and then the milk woman and the dentist. While she recounts the story she pulls the "woe is me face".

FFS

GM has also asked why I don't ask them to baby sit when I have asked my parents on the odd occasion.

OP they are way beyond babysitting age so don't entertain that. Also they are your DDs great grandparents so with the best will in the world she will barely remember them and she has other grandparents.
I would limit contact a bit and try to banish the guilt. As PP said if asked why be honest. Reward good behaviour by including them, punish poor behaviour by withdrawing.
She has probably always been a bit mean but is even more insular now. If dementia is also a factor that can make them more badly behaved (for want of a better description).

I have witnessed a great grandparents progression through 8 years of dementia. With my first child they were really quite engaged and supportive. 5 years later I didn't really trust her to hold my 3rd baby unattended. It's sad 💐

I absolutely 100% would not have them baby sit. I wouldn't trust them at this stage. Not that I think they would do anything out of malice, they're just incapable and it wouldn't be safe.

Why not sit down and have a chat with your GF.
A very soft approach explaining how you feel and ask his advice.

I could try.
He's very much a keep calm
And carry on sort, so I'm not sure how far we would get but, if you don't try...

Many very elderly people become difficult unfortunately. Miserable and hard to please. There are probably a myriad of causes including possible depression, pain, memory loss, loss of inhibition.

If you had a nice relationship before and still do with your GF I would probably bite my tongue and visit for half an hour on a semi regular basis. Durtgat time try to rise above the comments. The episode about holding the baby sounds more linked to her desire to cuddle her vs the realiwhich is that babies are heavy, awkward to hold in arthritic arms and a bit scary.

Many very elderly people become very egocentric and want to be in the limelight. I would personally let her be. Ask her questions and make a fuss of her. It would also be good for your GF if she is kept happy occasionally.

Sadly getting really old is a horrible business. You don’t need to do a great deal but I would keep going and rise above. Yes, I do know how hard this is.

To add to what Matilda says, many elderly ppl don't actually do that much to talk about, so the little tale of the baby not being comfortable with her is probably magnified and repeated to everyone she speaks to. My DM repeats every slightly interesting (ie out of the ordinary events) thing that happens numerous times, and she hasn't got dementia - she just doesn't do much.
Some ppl are not comfortable with just dropping in, especially as your DD is still so young, maybe you could specifically invite them round one afternoon a month or so?

Don’t take it to heart OP, I’m sure the rest of your family don’t. Old people just seem to lose their filter sometimes, it’s quite common.

My relative of mine has travelled literally half way round the world this month to make sure her father has had a nice Christmas. By way of reward he has been telling her all the things her late DM never forgave her for, some of them very hurtful (and I’m sure, not true!). I don’t pay any regard to them, and neither does anyone else.

Just keep doing what you can do, roll your eyes if she starts and don’t feel guilty about the things you can’t do. Try and have a laugh about it with your mum and dad if you can, it can help to bond and chuckle over these things! 😄

I know this might sound wacky but does she realise who you all are?

My Nana’s dementia only really became apparent when it dawned on me that she thought I was my mother. And it was ages, in hindsight, that I realised that was the case.

Her getting offended about not being asked to babysit her ‘granddaughter’ (my cousins child) was one of our lightbulb moments

Is her behaviour really the end of the world?
It's not ideal but it's manageable atm.

I find the lack of love and compassion on these threads very sad.

I would suggest trying to ignore her hurtful comments. I doubt if anything you do will change her attitude especially if she is in early stages of dementia, which sounds possible. I suggest you just do a regular brief visit (eg one hour) once a week/fortnight at a set time so that you are ensuring GPs do see DD regularly but you spend limited time with GM. As others have said old people get very stuck in their ways and are not likely change, so try not to let it bother you too much.

Have a chat with your GF. See if he has noticed anything different about her - forgetting things, change in personality, difficulty in doing things.

History of dementia is much more likely to come from people around the person than the person themselves as being a problem with memory, they may not remember all the times they have had a problem with memory.

If GF has noticed changes then it is time for a trip to GP and referral to memory clinic.

Some of what your GM is doing could just be classic cranky old lady but others - denying things that have actually happened are typical of Alzheimers. She may just be getting rude or she may be covering up a memory problem (and your GF may be covering it up for her).

This is so common it's practically normal. You have to learn to deal with it as she is on the last run in. There are parts of the brain in older people to do with empathy and inhibitions that can get less active so they get more difficult. Be kind and tolerant and know that it is not her fault. There is nothing you can do to change her and it would be unkind to try. Make the visits short and sweet. Sometimes you could write a sitcom! There is a similarity in the brains of adolescents. Hey ho

I can’t say if this is dementia or not in your case. But wanted to say DS (6) has never met my maternal grandparents, nor will he ever, unless he asks. They were abusive, physically and mentally to my DM, mentally abusive to me and DB, controlling and generally vile people who shouldn’t be walking this earth. I stopped that cycle at 14. He knows the truth, he knows they are not nice people but if he should ever wish to meet them I will take him. So far he’s not interested.

As for my paternal GPs. DGM died before he was born, DGF knew him and saw him regularly, over the past few months, I backed DS off as he got progressively worse. It was not something DS should have been around, he wouldn’t have understood and DGF wouldn’t have wanted DS to see him like that. He died five weeks ago.

As far as I’m concerned he has two sets of grandparents and that’s all he needs. Do what’s right for your DD. If that’s reducing visits then so be it.