Need helpful opinions on difficult Grandmother

[DippyDiplodocus]

Warning: Long.

I'm finding myself in an increasingly difficult situation due to my Grandmother's behaviour.

She's 86 and my Grandfather is 89. They still live together in their own house, GF still drives and they get out and about when they need to for shopping etc (relevant). My parents also visit them weekly and spend an evening with them.

I have a 5 month old DD(1) and a DH - recently married. We live in the same village as GM & GF, around a 2-3min drive/10 min walk.

In recent years GM's behaviour seems to have deteriorated/changed. She will often make strange or unnecessary remarks, say things that are intentionally goady or things that are just plain hurtful.

I have tried to maintain the relationship between me and my grandparents, for DD (although I know she's too small to know any different currently) and for them too as (to be honest) I'd feel bad if I was to prevent them knowing their Great Grandaughter. (Not that I ever have done that - also relevant).

Because of the way GM speaks to me and the things she says makes me feel as though I want to avoid her, GF is fine and he isn't ever a problem.
I do go to their house when I can and I take DD to see them, although I admit this has been a little sporadic due to busy home life and feeling like I'd rather avoid the whole situation.
They very rarely come to my house. I have lived here for five years and they have visited perhaps five or six times total.
They drive past my house every week to go to the supermarket and never call in, even though I have told them countless times that they are welcome.

Anyway. Yesterday we had a family gathering. Grandparents were attending.
DH, DD and I went along too. There were around 10 of us total.

Throughout the evening GM kept dropping in remarks about how she wishes she had seen DD more and that I never go to see her and it's basically my fault she is missing out on her growing up. My GF had dropped into our house a couple of days previous to this without her - she was invited but didn't come. I mentioned this to her and she shrugged it off. I also mentioned that they know where we live and she replied "where do you live" and smirked.

Throughout the evening GM kept telling me that things I were doing were wrong, "well, I never did that" or asking other family members if they would do what I was for DD, do they think that's right, etc.

DD was getting a bit overwhelmed and tired during the evening and so we decided to leave. GM then pipes up about how she hasn't held her and that it's a shame that we are taking DD home, etc etc. It's all very "woe is me". I explained that DD was tired and cranky and that we should meet again and she could hold her then. I just get an unimpressed face back.

She makes out as if I passed DD around everyone and kept her away from her, which is absolutely not the case.
I know after we left that she made more remarks about this as my sister informed me.

All of it is starting to piss me off to be honest. I am conscious that I should probably see them more due to their age but I am having to force myself because of the way she behaves and I get anxious before I go.

I have wondered if there is something going on mentally or if she's just like this. By all accounts she's always had a bit of a mean streak but it seems to be getting worse.

I don't know what to do. My parents are struggling to cope with her too and they have said they visit every week because they feel like they have to,

I just feel guilty I guess.

Her short term memory does seem to be worsening.

For example she will be nasty with mr because "I haven't visited in ages" when in reality I saw her two weeks previous - when I tell her this she says she can't remember.

@ExFury I'm fairly certain she knows who I am. She doesn't seem to get me confused with my DM at all.

And to the Pp who mention trip to GP & memory clinic, I very much doubt she would go. She's only just recently had a medical complaint dealt with, after living with it for 56 years

She hates any medical professionals and avoids them as much as she possibly can.

@DippyDiplodocus then you have your answer. She can't remember.

Have a chat with GF - this may need to be a family intervention. He is going to be needing a lot of support in the months and years ahead and there may be a family member better placed than you to get her to go to the GP.

Obviously she won't necessarily want to go to the GP - she can't remember there is a problem.

It took a lot of work over many months for us to get my FIL there, firstly in getting MIL to see it wasn't just that FIL was odd but it was worth it when we did as ultimately MIL needed a lot of help, FIL deteriorated fairly quickly once the problem was obvious and we only got important things like LPOA and wills done just in time.

I know they have their wills sorted, they did those a fair few years ago I believe.

I have spoke to my mum about GM getting assessed before but she just said she wouldn't go 🙄 not a lot of help really.

I feel like a lot of people in the family tip toe around her so as not to upset her because she can be, well, horrible.

I'll be honest, I don't think I am best placed to try to deal with getting her assessed etc. I can't force her to go and I feel that's what it would probably take.

Are there things that can be done to help her regarding if she does have dementia? I know there is no cure and it will get progressively worse but are there things that can be done in order to slow the process or exercise the brain to make it more healthy?

She needs a diagnosis first - depending on what sort there may be medication.

A diagnosis would also help access support for your GF as she deteriorates such as day care, and also support to help him understand why she does what she does and cope with day to day living.

Getting her to go would really be down to your GF and her children. We thought FIL wouldn't go but he did eventually. It is important they go with a relative as otherwise the GP won't get the proper story.