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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if my DDs (10 and 5) need to wear all black at their DGFather's funeral

44 replies

Helpmepleasenow48 · 27/12/2018 14:47

Just that really... they were close to their DGF but he was quite a strict man and maybe for his funeral it's appropriate they wear black or even their school uniform?
FYI - funeral is next week - I don't really fancy going out and buying them new outfits. Also, their coats are bright and colourful!

OP posts:
eurochick · 27/12/2018 14:48

I don't think it really applies to children. Darkish colours if they have them or school uniform if they want to. Don't worry about the coats.

Paradyning · 27/12/2018 14:49

No. Maybe their school uniform? That's what I've seen before. Or just darker colours

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2018 14:49

I've never been to a funeral where kids are expected to wear any particular colour.

Even most adults will go with darkish clothing if they don't have black to wear.

The school uniform would look weird though. Just let them wear what they're comfortable in.

Magmatic80 · 27/12/2018 14:49

Yes I’ve seen school uniform. Or muted colours would be fine

Hohocabbage · 27/12/2018 14:50

My dc’s - wore school trousers (dark grey) and for one funeral had navy jumpers and the other grey jumpers. I needed to buy some of those. Also last minute rush for some boys shoes that didn’t have a large swoosh on them! Try not to worry

Soontobe60 · 27/12/2018 14:52

Let them wear what they want. It's a somber occasion, but also a celebration of his life. School uniform? Are they in a Dickens novel?

Littletabbyocelot · 27/12/2018 14:53

I think I would go with what the deceased and their immediate bereaved would want. My dad would have wanted them to be comfortable, his widow saw black as default but honestly clothes were unimportant. My mum when she goes would be horrified if anyone wore black. My MIL would turn in her (eventual) grave if they wore anything else. It may be worth checking Facebook/gumtree for second hand stuff.

amusedbush · 27/12/2018 14:54

School uniform sounds very weird for a funeral.

I think dark colours are fine. The last funeral I attended was in February this year and most people were in dark colours, not just black.

Confusedbeetle · 27/12/2018 14:56

No dress code for children, just respectable and comfortable. This will be emotional for them and clothes are the last thing to worry about. I don't think I would favour school uniform personally. It might be nice to talk to them about it. Children often feel not involved in decisions at a funeral and feel a little overwhelmed. You should also be giving them chance to understand that this is an occasion to remember him. For the 5-year-old, I would recommend a picture book called Badgers Parting Gifts, od Grandads Island. Both help them understand and cope with a loss. As adults, we sometimes get hung up on details. For a parent losing a parent, it can be easy to miss the children's needs. This can be an ongoing thing after the funeral. Let them take it in their own time

Topofthehills · 27/12/2018 14:57

School uniform? I would find that truly bizarre to be honest.

Haven't been to a lot of funerals recently, but when I was 10 I wore a black skirt and white shirt to my granny's funeral. (My mum asked what I wanted to do, and I decided to buy a new black skirt for the occasion.) My three year old sister wore a pink and white dress - I think this really cheered a lot of people up somehow.

I would ask the ten year old what they preferred, but wouldn't have a five year old wearing black.

TeacupDrama · 27/12/2018 15:00

children used to wear school uniform or sunday best at funerals as historically it would probably been the only formal clothes they had
As practically every school in the country has black or grey trousers for boys, I would let them wear their school trousers with a white shirt and their normal coat on top

3boysandabump · 27/12/2018 15:00

My ds's 8,7&3 wore a black jumper with a white shirt underneath and school trousers for my dads funeral.

He was quite a traditional man and would always wear a suit for a funeral so I felt that was appropriate. If it was the funeral for someone who wasn't as traditional themselves I wouldn't have been so formal about it

HolesinTheSoles · 27/12/2018 15:04

I think school trousers are fine as that's just grey but probably not school tie. I think generally dark colours should be fine.

KC225 · 27/12/2018 15:19

Another one who thinks you should ask wahr the family think is appropriate. I remember my elderly neighbour telling me how disrespectful it was for her granddaughters to turn up in a colourful mini dresses and how typical it was of her DIL. I was at the funeral the granddaughters wore long sleeved burgundy skater dresses with a white peter pan collar a couple of inches above the knee. It was entirely appropriate for a 10 and 13 year girls.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/12/2018 15:22

For my father’s funeral, my boys (aged 7, 5 and 3) wore navy trousers and dark checked shirts.

Original poster
Helpmepleasenow48 · 27/12/2018 15:38

Thank you all. I did think the school uniform might be a bit too 1950s but can't think of any funerals where there have been youngsters. Going to check with my MIL to see xx

OP posts:
Satsumaeater · 27/12/2018 15:41

Nobody needs to wear black to a funeral. I don't have any black clothes except black trousers. Children: definitely not. Something sober and smart if they have it but if they don't, nobody will care.

WeirdCatLady · 27/12/2018 15:44

If they don’t have dark colours then put them in their school uniform.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 27/12/2018 15:48

Any dark smart clothes will be fine. My ds did wear school uniform to one but it was black blazer and trousers with white shirt and school tie. If it's a bright sweatshirt type uniform that would be odd.

AppleJuiceFlood · 27/12/2018 15:49

My son (11) wore a navy suit that he had been bought for a wedding and my daughter (7) wore a burgundy velvet dress for their grandfathers funeral. I think the main thing is that the children are comfortable. The same rules don’t really apply for children.
I’m Sorry for your loss. My children handled the funeral really well and they were a good distraction for the adults. We were worried they might be awfully upset but I really think it helped them process their loss Flowers

pasanda · 27/12/2018 15:52

School uniform??? They're not going to school are they.

How very weird!

luckylavender · 27/12/2018 15:55

I think school uniform would be very appropriate.

Purpleartichoke · 27/12/2018 15:56

Black is not necessary. Honestly just simple clothes will do. Skip the graphic T-shirt’s and go with a plain polo and it will be fine.

Dd wore a navy blue sundress to my Mom’s recent funeral. It was weather appropriate, reasonably simple, and comfortable. When I had to take her to a funeral as a baby, I ended up dressing her in all white. Again, I went for simple and plain and maybe a step up in formality from daily wear.

YourEggnogIsBetterThanMine · 27/12/2018 15:57

We wore school uniform to our GPs funerals in the 80s and 90s. It was the only smart, muted outfit we had and in order to buy a new outfit we'd have gone without food. So, maybe that's why some are suggesting it.

I'd go with whatever you have or can afford that is reasonably smart and dull (given the spec).

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 27/12/2018 15:59

Purple is also a mourning colour.