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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Domestic toys

52 replies

Kismetjayn · 27/12/2018 14:23

OH thinks I am being completely unreasonable. I am irritated.

PIL know DD(3) likes superheroes, various cartoons, ballet. They asked for vague ideas pre-christmas.

She was given a toy washing machine.

She did have other toys, but I am irritated that she has been given a domestic appliance toy that she didn't ask for and isn't related to any of her interests. The feminist aspect bothers me and I hate giving little girls domestic toys generally, but also the fact that they've not listened to her interests at all. Not to mention it's fairly large and we don't have space for it.

OH thinks taking away her toy will have a more negative impact on her, I think she won't even notice (I put it in the cupboard, it hasn't been asked for since.)

OP posts:

Nothisispatrick · 27/12/2018 15:58

Children like toys like that as they like doing things that adults do and pretending at ‘grown ups’.

Montessori education has a whole area called Practical Life where children (boys and girls) polish things, wash dishes that have been used for snacks, hand wash the polishing clothes etc. It’s lovely and teaches them to care for their environment.

whatsnewchoochoo · 27/12/2018 15:58

If she's not into it, give it to charity. DS LOVES his domestic toys (kitchen, washing machine, feather duster!) but he has them because he loves them. In your situation I would probably get rid of it

KC225 · 27/12/2018 16:29

Everyone needs to wash clothes. I think you are reading too much into it. A domestic appliance is not make up or fairy princess dress. My son loved a toy hoover at that age and age he and his twin sister pushed buggys for longer than they should have, so based on your assumtpion that would imply early teenage pregnancy? Nah. Relax OP. Its a toy.

HeebieJeebies456 · 27/12/2018 17:38

The feminist aspect bothers me
Bet she has dolls and you'll be indulging in all other gender specific toys for her?
I'd be giving her other domestic appliance toys too, she is going to have to learn to use them for real one day so why not?

I think you're just pissed the in-laws didn't get what you wanted them to choose from and decided for themselves.
I'm sure your dc has been spoiled with plenty of gifts that you deem appropriate so what's the big deal with this one gift?

gimmeadoughnut123 · 27/12/2018 18:05

So you're happy with her enjoying ballet but not having a toy washing machine?

It's a toy. I loved my toy washing machine when was a kid. I used to play launderette and hang my knickers out the window!
My nephew, who is 2, loves his toy hoover.

I'd stop worrying about the feminist aspect and just let your kid be a kid. She might like playing with it, if she doesn't, you can donate it later. If she was 19 and had asked for some perfume for Christmas, and was bought an actual washing machine, it's a different story.

Chances are when your GPs were younger that sort of thing was a great present for a child. I certainly wouldn't have any issues with mine being bought anything like that.

Is your issue more with the fact they asked you what to get and then got something totally different?

Amanduh · 27/12/2018 18:12

Ds got a hoover and a kitchen 🤷🏼‍♀️

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 27/12/2018 18:14

Do you have other issues with your ILs, because honestly, I can’t see the problem.

If they’d handed it over saying “oh well she’s a girl so we thought we’d get her started early since she’ll have to be chained to the kitchen later” aye fair enough, I would agree that was shit.

But without backstory your reaction does seem OTT.

I’m a feminist, my kids have all kinds of toys. What I do do, is challenge gender stereotypes as and when they come up. I wouldn’t take a toy away from them because of my own preconceptions, that’s just spite.

SoupDragon · 27/12/2018 18:31

I don't think it's a big deal but, on the other hand, I bet the GPs wouldn't have bought a toy washing machine that a grandson had no interest in.

How can you possibly know that? Are you acquainted with them?

You do understand that stating a personal opinion isn't the same as stating a fact don't you? I don't have to be acquainted with them personally to be able to form an opinion as to how these things usually work.

Tfoot75 · 27/12/2018 18:40

The fact that she’s been bought it and is a girl will have no impact on her world view of girls and domestic toys whatsoever. What is relevant is whether the real washing machine is an appliance that is equally used by you and your dh. I’m guessing from your reaction that it perhaps isn’t? But this is what will ultimately colour your dd’s view of whether washing machines have any link to sex or gender. Domestic appliances are used equally by myself and dh in my house and I couldn’t care less what type of toys my 2 dds play with. FWIW they veer pretty exclusively towards so called girls toys as the majority of girls seem to, but I really think this has virtually nothing to do with the personality or opinions they’ll have as an adult. It certainly didn’t for me.

Original poster

Kismetjayn · 27/12/2018 22:58

Ah, I can see it's hit my own nerves then and I am being unreasonable.

As PP said, what bothers me is that similar aged grandson gets action figures (that she then spends the time playing with) while she gets a washing machine. She doesn't see my DP do chores and I am (unwillingly and temporarily!) A housewife so she is growing up in a stereotypically gendered household. DP also temporary as we are STBX, and FIL/BILs in particular quite sexist so plenty of backstory I didn't realise probs affecting it.

I had domestic toys as a child and I watched my housewife mother slave away and it repelled me so much, the idea that one person's function could be to serve as the family dogsbody, I guess it's hitting on a personal sore spot rather than having any bearing on reality. I'm fine with all other toys, including dolls and dressup, just not domestic cleaning toys. Will try to loosen up!

In all fairness we stuck it in the corner next to her trainset when tidying up today and she completely ignored it.

OP posts:

posthistoricmonsters · 27/12/2018 23:05

YANBU. We provided our firstborn (girl, though she always shied away from traditional girls stuff) with a mix of cars, dolls, a toy hoover, art stuff, books, Lego. She never played with the dolls or with dress type dress up clothes (always preferred being a fireman etc). She loved the hoover though, in fact she got through two or three.

My youngest is girly af. She would kill to have domestic toys but we have a space issue and they both make believe a lot.

We asked for no big toys or teddies this year because of the move into a tiny flat.

A toy washing machine would be a nuisance.

Can you ask your PIL if you could keep it, plus a few things to go with it, round their house because of the space issue so that she can play with it there?

My kids books have stayed round my mum's since our move because a) we don't have space and b) the girls don't respect books well enough, so we work it like a library where they can only have a couple at a time. Mum doesn't mind.

HopeGarden · 27/12/2018 23:05

We have a toy washing machine and all 3 of my DS’s have loved playing with it, they’ve had great fun with it.

Having said that, it does annoy me if people ask for present ideas and then give a present that is completely unrelated to any of the present ideas. Why ask for ideas, even vague ones, if you’re not going to listen to them?

PengAly · 28/12/2018 00:03

Op your latest post seems a bit unkind and judgmental of stay at home mums. Why does being a housewife/sahm equal dogsbody & slave?? Certainly if one member earns money the other can contribute in the house and with kids if thats what both partners decide? I understand it used to be very sexist but it isnt like that as much in 2018. Maybe instead of being ashamed that you are currently a sahm/housewife you could raise your DD to understand that it really doesn't matter what gender does what "role" as long as everyone is happy and the family dymanic work.

Also i do think you a bu on the toy. Lots of kids boys and girls like playing with that sort of thing. Plus, denying a toy is just as bad as forcing one based on gender

agnurse · 28/12/2018 06:21

My husband does his own laundry. Has for years. YABU.

You saw your Mum do all the housework and decided that that's not what you wanted. One would hope that you'd raise your DD to think for herself and she then can decide if SHE wants to be the one to keep house or if she'll hire a cleaner or get her spouse to do it, if she has one.

One play washing machine isn't going to turn her into a domestic slave.

Original poster

Kismetjayn · 28/12/2018 11:32

For my mum, being a SAHM did mean being a dogsbody- it was my worst fear. And I ended up falling into the same role!

I wasn't being judgemental of SAHMs with partners who treat them respectfully and choose that option. I'm wary of the number of women who are pushed into the role and didn't want it- hence it's probably a sore spot for me as it happened to my mum, and happened to me despite my best efforts.

You're right, I've always said it would be just as bad to deny her 'girly' toys so this shouldn't be different...

OP posts:

BlueJava · 28/12/2018 11:36

YABU and over thinking it. Leave it out, if your LO plays with it then fine, if not also fine. You'll get way over-stressed otherwise - it's a plastic washing machine!

PengAly · 28/12/2018 12:14

If you feel pushed into it why dont you have an open and honest conversation with you DH about it? Sorry to go off topic but i dont think its reasonable to think a lot of women get pushed into it just because it happened to your mother and you. Im not trying to be rude, just think its best to avoid generalisations based on genders. I know a lot of women who are sahm and they love it. I hope daughters are raised to understand if they want to be a sahm then there is no problem with that as opposed to assume its wrong.

FishCanFly · 28/12/2018 12:28

YABU. she's only 3 and its just a toy

SciFiScream · 28/12/2018 12:42

Encourage your DD to think of the engineering involved in building a washing machine. Maybe she'll become an engineer or an inventor.
It's a toy. How she plays with it will be really interesting. Maybe it could be a TV or a spaceship to take her superheroes into space? Or a lift that goes deep into the middle of the earth? It doesn't have to be a washing machine.
Maybe it could be a prison for the baddies?
Or a fairground ride that spins her figures around and around.
Loads of potential!

AnnaMagnani · 28/12/2018 12:58

I know what you mean, nothing wrong with a toy washing machine except that your PILs would never ever have bought their grandsons one.

My ILs carefully put all their Lego away that they'd had out for the grandson before the granddaughters arrive because 'lego isn't a girls toy is it?'

Said GDs lived in a house full of Lego and went to coding club [confsued]

ErrolTheDragon · 28/12/2018 13:00

I've always said it would be just as bad to deny her 'girly' toys so this shouldn't be different...

You presumably wouldn't have minded at all if they - having asked for ideas - had bought her something ballet-themed (and of course, while ballet is for both sexes most kids ballet playthings are very 'girly').

YANBU to be irritated they ignored the suggestions and bought something large.

Encourage your DD to think of the engineering involved in building a washing machine. Maybe she'll become an engineer or an inventor.

Good idea.

I'm not very fond of domestic toys unless they actually function - a little dustpan and brush so they can (attempt to) sweep up their craft mess is excellent. A small real dishmop so they can wash up their teaset or plastic picnic mugs with warm water and bubbles can be more fun than a fake. DD's small outdoors broom is still in use as perfect for brushing out the porch!

If the washer is really in the way and your DD shows no interest, and if her playgroup would appreciate it then maybe ask your DD if it would be more fun to play with it with other children there. I used to regift things my DD really didn't want, with her approval.

ErrolTheDragon · 28/12/2018 13:03

My ILs carefully put all their Lego away that they'd had out for the grandson before the granddaughters arrive because 'lego isn't a girls toy is it?'
*
Said GDs lived in a house full of Lego and went to coding club [confsued]*

The practicals in the first week of my DDs uni course consisted of building Lego robots.

stayathomer · 28/12/2018 13:06

My ds has a toy Hoover he got as a present that he loves. In preschool they say he lives for the toy kitchen. We wrre going to get him one but he wanted something else. I think you're over thinking but then you have a girl so you have that right because my son being given eg a tool set isn't insinuating anything where it is possible your daughter being given something like that is.

AnnaMagnani · 28/12/2018 13:07

I had an ironing board toy as a child and bloody loved standing doing the ironing.

I do not iron now.

bobstersmum · 28/12/2018 13:11

My dd is only 1 but loves pretend play mimicking me basically. She cooks in her kitchen, washes in her washing machine, fusses over her many dolls and babies, 90% of all of these toys are ones that my boys (almost 5+6) already had. They have all loved playing with them. But they all play with superheroes, guns and lego too!
I believe that domestic toys are really good learning toys, children can explore, learn, copy and use imagination while using these.
The only thing I don't understand that you've said op is that you are relieved your dd doesn't want or hasnt asked for a toy kitchen, why is that?

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