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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like this from FIL

34 replies

Bigoystershell · 27/12/2018 13:10

FIL is a lovely man, get on very well. DH and I spent Christmas Day at his house with other family (he doesn't have a partner) and stayed over.

After everyone else had left, I said I was going to bed as it was really tired. DH was having another drink before bed, in living room with FIL. As I left the room, FIL said to me (in front of DH), bigoystershell you're staying in my room, first on the left, hahaha. I didn't say anything but then DH said to me "come on give him a kiss" (he meant the usual hug/airkiss), but I really didn't want to so went on up to bed after saying goodnight to both.

I'm leaving the next morning we exchanged cordial goodbyes but I didn't feel like the hug/kiss thing. DH commented on it and so I did it (I'm generally not hugely keen on it but mainly me nor doing it was because I felt a bit uncomfortable/peeved with the comment the previous evening).

I'll not mention it and won't make anything of it, but AIBU to feel uncomfortable with this sort of comment? I really don't want to think of my FIL thinking/saying this sort of thing to me, even as a stupid joke.

OP posts:
ScreamingBadSanta · 27/12/2018 13:13

I would feel uncomfortable with this. I don't think I would say anything if it was a one-off - my demeanour would hopefully discourage further remarks. If it happened again I would be asking DH to have a quiet word.

keepingbees · 27/12/2018 13:14

It was inappropriate but I would probably put it down to the drink/a distasteful joke if he is normally ok.
You are under no obligation to hug/kiss him though.

FortunesFave · 27/12/2018 13:15

Are you kidding? That's DISGUSTING and my DH would be horrified and would say something to his Dad. It's gross!

mimibunz · 27/12/2018 13:18

I hate entitled old men. Currently at lunch with DH and FIL who has taken 20 minutes after we finished eating to finish a half pint.

Marcipex · 27/12/2018 13:18

Inappropriate and unfunny. I'd be keeping my distance.
He's shown you what he really thinks.

littlecabbage · 27/12/2018 13:22

Yep, weird and inappropriate. Can't believe your DH didn't think so too. I think you need to sit down with DH and discuss it further.

raspberryjo · 27/12/2018 13:27

Had similar from FILS best friend Xmas day. I was wearing a top with a mountain on it and he made a remark about getting to climb me. Everyone just laughed. I looked clearly horrified and all went silent. Disgusting and won't look at him the same, regardless of it being due to drink.

DanglyBangly · 27/12/2018 13:27

Yeah, that’s grim. He shouldn’t even think of you in that way, let alone express it out loud.

HollowTalk · 27/12/2018 13:28

Ugh. Horrible.

Holidayshopping · 27/12/2018 13:30

Your DH is the one pushing you to hug and kiss his dad?

krustykittens · 27/12/2018 13:31

Comment is definitely creepy and inappropriate but why fuck is your DH also pressuring you to hug and kiss his father?! We are told not to do this with kids, why do people do it to grown women?!

justilou1 · 27/12/2018 13:37

Icky... Low level sexual harassment in your own home. Not cool.

mossyroundhill · 27/12/2018 13:40

Envy that is supposed to be a sick face
That's disgusting and very inappropriate

EchoCardioGran · 27/12/2018 13:46

Grim and creepy. Trust your own radar.

dorisdog · 27/12/2018 13:49

That's sexual harassment. Maybe 'low level' in the scheme of things, although, the fact that it's a family member makes it even more uncomfortable, because you're expected to be polite about it and not rock the boat.

Your DH should not be expecting you to hug/kiss anyone, if you aren't comfortable with it, let alone someone who deliberately made you feel uncomfortable with an inappropriate sexual remark. You aren't obliged to hug people to make them feel comfortable at ANY time. Fuck that. I'd be fuming.

righton55 · 27/12/2018 13:51

That is pretty yuk, OP. Has he done similar before? It's really inappropriate.

I hate entitled old men. Currently at lunch with DH and FIL who has taken 20 minutes after we finished eating to finish a half pint.

@mimibunz, am I missing something here, what has your FIL done wrong?

Aquamarine1029 · 27/12/2018 13:54

I would be horrified and would definitely confront my husband about it. I would want to know why he just sat there like an idiot and didn't say anything.

2rebecca · 27/12/2018 13:54

That's a really creepy inappropriate remark. If my husband said that to my son't girlfriend I'd be angry with him and she'd be mortified. Also why is your husband bossing you around re hugging and kissing his family? Would you make him hug and kiss your relatives. Your husband should have told him that was inappropriate at the time.
I hate the extended family hug/kiss thing and am hoping it will die out as my kids and stepkids don't do it except to parents or if they instigate it.

Original poster
Bigoystershell · 27/12/2018 13:59

Thanks everybody, I really appreciate all the responses.

I think what makes me feel uncomfortable mostly is that as a woman I'm expected to laugh off the comment, which really is inappropriate and especially in this day in age I would have thought he should know this, even with a few drinks. And yes I'm annoyed that DH thinks I should hug/kiss him straight after.

This is the first time he's said something like this.

I think I do need to speak to DH about telling me when to hug/kiss his dad. It's unfortunately having the effect of making me want to do it less - I hate any sort of forced contact and I only really like the huggy stuff with my own close family.

I know DH will react negatively to me saying any of this. He's massively protective of his dad

OP posts:
nosolnswoutproblems · 27/12/2018 14:00

I wouldn't have liked that from FiL at all, but to be honest I am just as or more appalled by your husband instructing you to give FiL a kiss.

covetingthepreciousthings · 27/12/2018 14:05

I wouldn't appreciate a comment like that from FIL.. but I'd also be massively annoyed at my DH for insisting I give FIL a kiss or hug, what's that about!? Confused

Bobbiepin · 27/12/2018 14:06

It's gross and you need to tell your DH how uncomfortable it makes you. Throw in that you won't see him again if something isn't said.

FWIW I had 3 inappropriate comments from DH's grandfather on Xmas day. I've said in the past its wrong and makes me uncomfortable but they all brush it off as "he's old (in his 90s) and doesn't know what he's saying". He certainly knew to wait until he was alone with me before asking me for "a dance".

diddl · 27/12/2018 14:06

Presumably the room comment meant in the room with him, not that he had given up his room?

And your husband said nothing & if anything condoned it?

That's creepy as fuck!

Original poster
Bigoystershell · 27/12/2018 14:08

Yeah I hate that sort of 'he's old/had a few drinks/doesn't know it's offensive' etc etc excuse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigoystershell · 27/12/2018 14:10

Diddl yes he thought it was funny to suggest I was staying in his room with him.

Yes DH really should had said something there and then. I'm trying to fast forward to a situation where we'd have DS's partner staying - no way would DH say something like this and if he did I'd go ballistic

OP posts:
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