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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How often do people really LTB?

28 replies

Rodenhide · 27/12/2018 11:38

I've seen quite a few threads recently, both in AIBU and relationships where the majority of responses are along the lines of " he's obviously not committed, LTB". Obviously, this will sometimes be relevant advice (and I'm not trying to diminish the severity of some op's situations) but how many posters who actually suggest this would really leave someone who they may have had many happy years with over one tiny agreement?
Maybe it's just me but I doubt that if a man posted here about minor marital issues, they'd be told to leave her if she was doing anything less dire than cutting off his testicles and using them as ping pong balls.
Aibu to think that LTB is just ever so slightly overused?

OP posts:
NameChanger22 · 27/12/2018 11:40

Sometimes people say it as a joke.

I've never LTB, I made him leave.

AloneLonelyLoner · 27/12/2018 11:41

It is. But I don’t think most take the advice. I avoid using it unless it’s someone who has done something really disrespectful or bad. But it’s worth remembering that even the smallest slights can be part of a bigger picture. It’s seeing that that is the trick.

Jazzhan · 27/12/2018 11:43

It took me six years to actually leave the bastard after the first hammering.

Original poster
Rodenhide · 27/12/2018 11:44

I guess you're right. I saw quite a lot of them in a very short space of time. I know it's unlikely that people take the advice but the advice often seems to be given quite sincerely. Sad

OP posts:
YoungLennyGodber · 27/12/2018 11:44

I agree. It’s so overused and presented as an easy solution to the problem, however minor.

piglet81 · 27/12/2018 11:44

Not often enough, judging by some of the depressing situations people write about on here.

Original poster
Rodenhide · 27/12/2018 11:45

Jazzhan
I'm so sorry, Flowers
Like I said, it is sometimes relevant advice, albeit often written in a very offhand way.
I hope your life is better now.

OP posts:
Jazzhan · 27/12/2018 11:48

The other side of it is so many women see this as some sort of episode of a soap opera where they can engineer the plot and they give idiotic advice as they want to be involved in the drama of the downfall of some relationships while they walk away from the laptop screen and couldn't give a fuck that someone has maybe thrown away the chance of finding love because of some spurious reason. No relationship is without faults and failings and shortcomings and arguments. But MN seem to think he must be nothing short of Prince fucking Charming. There is also one poster in particular who is constantly on the relationship threads, permanently posting 'Why are you putting up with this'. I suspect they were once in an abusive relationship and now see abuse in what is actually the typical dynamics of all relationships.

Jazzhan · 27/12/2018 11:51

Thanks Roden, it takes time I guess.

Jazzhan · 27/12/2018 11:53

And I guarantee you they'll be on here any minute now to tell me that I have the bar set so low that I'm willing to accept anything. Wink

FineIsAChanceThing · 27/12/2018 11:53

I LTB. Admittedly, it took a decade to do so while I strengthened my position, but I did it. The irony to some is that the B is seemingly less of a B than when we split and we get on very well, but I’ll never forget what he put me through all those years ago. And as sad as I may be for my DC not having both parents under the same roof, I’m glad that I left.

When someone posts on here, it’s more often than not the case that the incident they are referring to isn’t isolated. The fact that they are posting is typically because they are reaching the end of their tether with whatever shitty/disrespectful behaviour their OH is exhibiting or subjecting them to continuously.

I’m starting to understand that it’s very rare for people to fundamentally change who they are, so your options usually boil down to putting up with the shit or stop accepting it. You don’t need to LTB for the latter, but more often than not, that becomes the only way to escape what can quickly become a vicious/toxic cycle.

PortiaCastis · 27/12/2018 11:53

I did because he was an abusive violent arsehole, when he broke my arm dd and I fled but not because of an internet armchair relationship counsellor who doesn't know wtf they're chatting about but because of the violence

Jazzhan · 27/12/2018 11:56

*Waves to Finalsachancething and Portia!

Thewifipasswordis · 27/12/2018 12:05

I finally did. A few days ago. At 11.38pm on Christmas Day.

I packed a bag and ran with the baby to the car. 20 minutes earlier he had been screaming at me and hulking out, leaving me a sobbing mess on the floor.

I'd quietly mentioned before I went to bed that I was disappointed as he had gone to zero effort again for Christmas. Last year was my first as a mum and he never even got me a card or present off our son. While I was still recovering 6m down the line from a horrific labour and birth.

I'd had enough and thought I'd finally mention it I didn't like being taken for granted.

I've been at my Mums since. His name will no longer be on our new house and he will never live in it.

I'm done with being scared to say how I feel for fear of him smashing things up.

Jazzhan · 27/12/2018 12:05

Oh and my favourite is when someone has posted along the lines of 'DP is amazing, he is always kind and caring, but lately he's been working a lot and not pulling his weight at home'.
Solution? LTB. He's having an affair. I bet he's not amazing. He was just lovebombing you.
I feel like screaming NO. The guy is feeling the responsibility of raising children and all the financial responsibility that brings and he's working his ass off to climb the ladder to provide a stable future for you.
My beautiful god-daughter was born 16 years after her older brothers despite her Mum's tubes having been tied. Her Dad felt under enormous pressure to provide for this unplanned but most loved addition. He worked his ass off and blew off steam by drinking a lot. In the heel of the hunt, he was killed in a car accident coming home from a Christmas night out almost a year to the day from when she was born. We used to chat a lot, and he felt under tremendous pressure to provide for his family. He was a brilliant man, but I'm sure if MN had been around at the time and the Mum posted on here, she'd have been told to leave him.
It's just life. And there isn't always abuse.

Queenie8 · 27/12/2018 12:18

thewifi Well done. Its not easy making that decision. It will get harder before it gets better, but there is already light at the end of your tunnel. I was you 7 years ago.

FineIsAChanceThing · 27/12/2018 12:25

Bastards are always brilliant men to someone. When I split up with mine, everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) was stunned. Oh, he’s just trying to cope with having a new baby in the family. Oh, you know you can be moody, it’s no wonder he’s pulling away. Oh, he’s just so busy with work. Oh, but he’s so sweet and unassuming. When I eventually told them what had happened, their jaws dropped. Until now, there are several who refuse to believe me - they say I made things up or blew them out of proportion. I try my best to longer associate with those people (which is difficult as quite a few of them are my own family, but hey ho).

Munchkingoat · 27/12/2018 12:26

I LTB! I actually posted on here (had a different user name then) when things came to a head with my ex's temper looking for advice to find a way forward and overwhelmingly people here said i should LTB and I bloody well did. I'm now extremely happy with the loveliest man I've ever met.

slashlover · 27/12/2018 13:00

Jazzhan The affair thing pisses me off. "My DH has started a new hobby and has a female friend". Cue all the posts telling the OP that's he's DEFINITELY sleeping with her.

There was one a while ago where a shirt the OPs DH owned was delivered to their house. There were so many posts saying it was 100% an affair and the OW wanted OP to know and OP should LTB and kick him out, pack his bags and leave them on the doorstep. What had actually happened was that DH really liked the shirt and had bought another one from ebay.

53rdWay · 27/12/2018 13:16

I posted about a relationship on another forum (not MN) years and years ago. I got a round of “wtf that is awful, leave!” type of responses. It really shook me up because nobody in real life was saying that, everybody adored him, even though looking back now I can see just how bad a situation I was in. (Physical violence and stealing all my money so not trivial stuff.) I didn’t leave straight away but did about 6 months later.

posthistoricmonsters · 29/12/2018 00:12

Many of us know from experience that the issue being highlighted isn't the only issue.

I've LTB five times.

Each one took a varying amount of time. Two involved women's aid and refuges.

It's hard when people don't blindly accept advice to leave someone bad. But it isn't that simple at all.

JustABetterPlayer · 29/12/2018 00:34

A good number of the posts are not real people, and not real stories. As to do many replies of LStB misery loves company and this is a feminists board after all.

JustABetterPlayer · 29/12/2018 00:35

To so ^
LTB ^

Wine.....

RemindMeToMoveTheElf · 29/12/2018 00:40

Sometimes LTB is shorthand for ‘the relationship is not working for you; it is terminal, and you will be better off cutting your losses, exiting this current sorry state, and stating a new life.’

LTB might sound like a snappy meme, but often it’s a helpful bell being rung to say ‘my advice? Get out now.’

LadyBathory · 29/12/2018 01:04

I LTB although most of the time I wouldn’t call him that...we broke up a week ago although it doesn’t feel like he gets that right now as we can’t move out yet 😩 I got a lot of advice on mn under different names and it was a real wake up call.

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