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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No effort from DH for Christmas

49 replies

calculator123 · 27/12/2018 10:02

For context, it was my birthday a couple of weeks ago - DH didn't actually buy me anything, but did put some cash in my bank account. Unfortunately, he didn't even tell me that until the next day when I was already massively upset.
I had a bit of a rant at him, about lack of effort....and then Xmas comes along.
I hadn't asked for much, some perfume, chocolates etc, as we are having a weekend away in February which he is paying for, but I had to do all the googling and booking.
I bought him some beer, nice whisky which he loves, and some car-related stuff. I also bought some concert tickets, which was last weekend, so we had already 'used' that pressie. He took me out for Xmas lunch in local restaurant, so about the same cost wise.
Dinner was lovely, and will be looking forward to the weekend away, but AIBU because on Xmas morning, I had NOTHING to open. Not even a chocolate orange!

Yet again, he has made zero effort....I had to do all the planning and booking for the weekend away, I sorted out the concert and getting the taxi booked there n back...all he did was phone the restaurant to make the booking for lunch.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 27/12/2018 10:07

My ex also never made any effort whatsoever. After 2 decades we are divorced. i will never go out with anyone who makes no effort again, it's soul destroying.
So many men do this, get married then think they can sit back and do nothing ever again. It makes my blood boil OP.

madcatladyforever · 27/12/2018 10:08

They are the first to start whinging and moaning if they don't get enough sex.

Shoxfordian · 27/12/2018 10:10

That's shit
Why do you put up with it? Is he like this on your birthday too?

Shoxfordian · 27/12/2018 10:10

Sorry just read your post properly and saw he is

formerbabe · 27/12/2018 10:12

Yabu

He gave you money, he took you out for lunch, you're going away in February.

He hasn't made the type of effort you wanted him to...ie going shopping, buying something thoughtful and wrapping it up. However, men don't really see these things as important in the same way women do. He's done plenty but in his own way.

BIWI · 27/12/2018 10:24

However, men don't really see these things as important in the same way women do.

Only because they're allowed to get away with it!!!

ErrolTheDragon · 27/12/2018 10:27

He's done plenty but in his own way.

One money transfer and one restaurant booking? Confused The OP has made all the effort on everything else.

However, men don't really see these things as important in the same way women do.

Sexist bollocks. Many/most men are capable of better than that.

Snugglepiggy · 27/12/2018 10:27

YANBU .Putting money in your account.Big deal.I am not a huge Xmas fan tbh,think it's all overhyped.But that's the mass commercialism of it.I set more store by the kind and thoughtful small things DH has done throughout the year.However he has always given me a gift for Xmas -sometimes lovely jewellery- when we had a lot more disposable income.More recently much smaller gifts,but carefully considered like a book I have mentioned weeks before.Just as welcone.All my family know it's not the cost of a present ,it's the thought.Saying that's just what men do is a generalisation I hate.

formerbabe · 27/12/2018 10:29

I really do think men don't care about things like this. If I got my oh a gift, he genuinely wouldn't give a shit if I'd wrapped it. If I didn't buy him a birthday card, he genuinely wouldn't care.

Chloe84 · 27/12/2018 10:35

formerbabe there are a lot of men who get stroppy when they don't made a fuss of on birthdays and Christmas but who make zero effort for their partners. I've seen that in RL and on MN.

geekone · 27/12/2018 10:42

Men don’t care is sexist bollocks my DH buys spoils and wraps presents for me. Too much sometimes and would be gutted if he didn’t have some presents under the tree. Oh and he’s not a “sensitive new man” stupid annoying phrase hes a hairy gruff engineer, he just doesn’t think men and women have different priorities.

HolesinTheSoles · 27/12/2018 10:42

YANBU. That's really crappy especially after he knew you were upset on your birthday. What was his excuse?

Aragog · 27/12/2018 10:43

I really do think men don't care about things like this.

SOME men maybe, definitely not all. There are many men out there who do put in effort to make their partners happy, or chose lovely gifts to have under the tree.

And not having anything to open on Christmas Day morning is poor. He could have at least got a box of chocolates, or wrote a nice card for the OP.

mimibunz · 27/12/2018 10:43

Who are all these men who buy nothing for their wives and partners? Are they raised that way? I genuinely don’t understand.
OP, I hope you made your anger and disappointment very clear.

latebreakfast · 27/12/2018 10:44

What does he say when you mention it? He forgot? He couldn't think of what to get you? Something else? Suppose you put about 20 things on an Amazon wishlist, send it to him and ask him to get you something from it (even gift wrapped by them). What would his response be? If he was likely to forget could he agree to set himself some calendar reminders?

SunshineP · 27/12/2018 10:45

Ditto. Absolutely nothing. But also nothing before Christmas and no lunches or treats. I don’t expect it any more. The saddest thing is how much it upsets the kids.

SoyDora · 27/12/2018 10:47

I really do think men don't care about things like this

Mine does, he’s great at gift buying (although his wrapping leaves a lot to be desired) and he loves an excuse to show me he appreciates me. He’s not overly bothered by his own birthday.
You’re right OP it is shit. A bit of effort goes a long way.

Waddsup12 · 27/12/2018 10:49

Problem is unmanaged expectations.

My DH doesn't do presents, but is kind & thoughtful, so it doesn't matter. If it mattered & I was upset, I'm sure things would be different.

If he does nothing for you, don't run round after him.

ButteryParsnips · 27/12/2018 10:55

Have you asked him why he didn't get you anything, even a small / inexpensive thing, to open on Christmas Day? Do that if you haven't already and then ask him how he thinks you felt watching him open his presents from you when you had nothing in return to open. Spell it out and get him to acknowledge it. Then say you would like him to choose something (doesn't have to be big or expensive) as a late Christmas or New Year present instead.

melj1213 · 27/12/2018 10:57

However, men don't really see these things as important in the same way women do.

Bullshit. My dad spent Christmas on the other side of the world as he was working and he still bought my mum a beautiful necklace and managed to get it wrapped and under the tree on Christmas morning. He managed this by planning ahead, organising and employing one of my brothers and I to help. If someone wants to make the effort they will regardless of whether they are male or female.

OP it sounds to me like you and your partner have different gifting styles - you like to have a tangible gift to open even if it is a token because the "main" gift is an experience/event etc whereas your DH sees the action of arranging something as enough. Neither are right or wrong it's just different expectations.

You know he's not bothered about "having something to open on the day" and that he's unlikely to buy you something just for the sake of having something to open so in future you can decide if you want to make the same effort or not.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 27/12/2018 11:01

I’m another one who used to be married to someone like this. This type of man (or woman) is usually selfish and thoughtless in general not just at present buying. What is your DH like the rest of the time? Is he usually kind but just crap at buying gifts or is he a selfish man who expects you to do everything?

Now that he knows you are upset, do you think he will change his behaviour?

safetyfreak · 27/12/2018 11:04

If it makes you guys feel better to believe it's 'silly men' behaviour for being inconsiderate then carry on.

Me, my two sisters and my mother very much appreciate our gifts from our partners.

Oldraver · 27/12/2018 11:05

When I started to live with OH I knew he had form for not bothering with presents. I did make it clear I expected some aknowledgement at least on behalf of DC who was too young to buy himself

He is now a born again buying man and he loooks forward to his trips out with DS

Singlenotsingle · 27/12/2018 11:06

All this fuss over Christmas presents! They just aren't important unless you're under the age of about 18! He put some money into your account, took you for lunch and is paying for the trip in February. The fact that you had to do the arranging is good, surely? You chose where you go, any trips and how much you want to pay - i prefer to do it myself TBH.

Tell him next year that yo out will take your cue from him, and you won't be buying any presents if he doesn't think presents are important!

formerbabe · 27/12/2018 11:09

If it makes you guys feel better to believe it's 'silly men' behaviour for being inconsiderate then carry on

I don't buy my oh a Christmas present and he doesn't buy me one. Neither of us is inconsiderate. Seeing as I'm a 37 year old woman who can buy myself something if I want, I'm not going to throw a strop at not having something to unwrap.