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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No effort from DH for Christmas

49 replies

calculator123 · 27/12/2018 10:02

For context, it was my birthday a couple of weeks ago - DH didn't actually buy me anything, but did put some cash in my bank account. Unfortunately, he didn't even tell me that until the next day when I was already massively upset.
I had a bit of a rant at him, about lack of effort....and then Xmas comes along.
I hadn't asked for much, some perfume, chocolates etc, as we are having a weekend away in February which he is paying for, but I had to do all the googling and booking.
I bought him some beer, nice whisky which he loves, and some car-related stuff. I also bought some concert tickets, which was last weekend, so we had already 'used' that pressie. He took me out for Xmas lunch in local restaurant, so about the same cost wise.
Dinner was lovely, and will be looking forward to the weekend away, but AIBU because on Xmas morning, I had NOTHING to open. Not even a chocolate orange!

Yet again, he has made zero effort....I had to do all the planning and booking for the weekend away, I sorted out the concert and getting the taxi booked there n back...all he did was phone the restaurant to make the booking for lunch.

OP posts:

TheBigBangRocks · 27/12/2018 11:12

So when he books something it's "all he did was phone the restaurant" but when you book concert tickets it's a big effort?

You got a meal out on the day and are having a weekend away. That's two big presents. He likely thought that was enough. Most people would have been very happy with those gifts.

If you wanted physical gifts perhaps you shouldn't have agreed to the weekend away.

ScottyDog7 · 27/12/2018 11:12

Some people don't see these things as important in the same way other people do.

Some years I just don't have the same mental capacity for this stuff as other years. I know you said he was also thoughtless for your birthday but is he normally like this? Is there any other stuff going on?
Why did you do all the booking? Why not leave it to him?

TBH I am usually just happy with spending time with my loved ones, so maybe I have low standards or show/accept love in different ways (love languages and all that). But clearly this is important to you, so you need to sit down and tell him this, calmly and clearly, what you expect and how you feel.

Chloe84 · 27/12/2018 11:12

formerbabe that's fair enough because you have an arrangement with your DH that works for you both (I don't like presents myself, I prefer to buy what I need) but OP's DH is happily accepting presents from OP and making zero effort.

Either he needs to step up for OP or OP needs to stop the gift buying too.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 27/12/2018 11:16

formerbabe to say men don't care is sexist rubbish and gives them an excuse to get away with not making an effort. The men I know do care and make an effort not only with their partners but children, extended family and friends.

Puggles123 · 27/12/2018 11:20

I know how you feel, for me it is about the thought rather than the monetary aspect. My OH suggested as it is our last Christmas as a twosome going for some of the bigger things we had mentioned previously; so I spent ages finding a few bits and bobs that are hard to find as they are now out of production (and cost a fair bit, but somewhat beside the point). He got me something he had bought me last Christmas and was ordered the day before Christmas Eve. Zero thought and in honesty, something cheap but thoughtful would have been alright- selfishly slightly gutted it wasn’t something bigger just for the fact I’ve bought all of our baby stuff up until now and not anything for myself for a good few months.

Nevermind though, it’s just one day, but continued thoughtlessness does get boring, and I am now just going to do the same although it’s petty.

Biancadelriosback · 27/12/2018 11:29

This year I spent way more on DH than he did on me, however my present was perfect! He went to so much effort and did research and I was really wow'd. DH got really upset that on Xmas Eve we ran out of wrapping paper so he couldn't wrap mine even though I told him I didn't care! (That was my fault though, as buying the wrapping paper is one of my Xmas jobs) so not all men are the same. I do think that perhaps OPs DH considers what he did to be enough, then clearly there is an imbalance of expectations here.

JumpingJunipersBatman · 27/12/2018 11:31

Every year:

I tell him how upset he made me last year when he didn't get me anything.
He doesn't get me anything or gets me something like a mug.
I tell him how upset he made me.
He grunts at me like a stroppy teenager and acts like I'm nagging.

I don't expect anything anymore but it still upsets me.

I've had enough of having to lie so I don't get the pittying looks off people.

So next year I'm not getting him anything. I love the idea of not telling him and letting him be disappointed but I won't do that. When I'm less cross I'll tell him. He'll act like a stroppy teenager again.

The thing is, I'll still be upset when he doesn't get me anything PLUS I'll feel guilty for not getting HIM anything. Sigh.

HolesinTheSoles · 27/12/2018 11:34

So when he books something it's "all he did was phone the restaurant" but when you book concert tickets it's a big effort?

There's a massive difference between ringing up a restaurant you've already decided on and booking an entire weekend away (researching where you will stay, looking up hotel reviews, deciding on travel plans etc).

Original poster

calculator123 · 27/12/2018 11:35

Thanks for the replies.

Weighing it up, I do feel a little ungrateful in that he has spent some money on the Feb trip and the xmas day lunch.

But, and its a big but, its not the money that is the issue here - its the time and effort he put into it. It took him 30 seconds to book the restaurant. Big deal.

I went into town, searched out the things for him, wrapped them etc. Not a great monetary cost, but costly in effort. It took me ages to find the right deals for the trip and sort out the doggy care etc. He could easily have nipped out and got me a lttle box of chocs or something to put under the tree. It was embarrassing when everyone else was opening pressies and I had nothing to open! A d to make it even more annoying, he hasn't actually opened 2 of his yet - he said he would open them later, put them under the tree and they are still there. Grrr.

OP posts:

OopsInamechangedagain · 27/12/2018 11:35

So he gets to enjoy his presents to you (i.e. meal out, weekend away) as well but anything just for you, he can't be bothered with. Selfish man.

HolesinTheSoles · 27/12/2018 11:37

I'm not going to throw a strop at not having something to unwrap.

But surely it's not that difficult to understand that other people express love in different ways and it's important for some people to have a partner who makes the effort to choose and wrap a present for you? Are you really so lacking in empathy that if it was important for your partner to have a present on Christmas day you couldn't take the time to buy and wrap something?

JumpingJunipersBatman · 27/12/2018 11:39

The one "saving grace"(?) Is that he just can't be bothered to put any effort in with anyone. I have always refused to get his family presents so every year he gets them a bottle of wine each grabbed from Asda the day before Christmas Eve. So it's not just with me.

I'd like to see what would he would do if I didn't shop for our son. I can't risk it though obviously.

OP, what's he like with other people?

Kikipost · 27/12/2018 11:43

You don’t say whether this is first year happened or a recurring theme every year?

MrsLucas · 27/12/2018 12:00

OP, hope he makes an effort in other areas of your life? ExH was much the same, and also started asking if we could stop giving the kids stockings (as he got fed up with the wrapping taking up time) . Sadly, he didn't seem to have the capacity to take pleasure from making others happy, so saw gift giving as an inconvenience.

CatnissEverdene · 27/12/2018 12:01

Then stop making the effort for him. HIs birthday - card and cash. No cake, no restaurant bookings, no special meals. Treat it as though it is just another day of the week. And same for Christmas. He doesn't value them so why should you?

My DH is really thoughtless at gifts, always has been - always will be. It isn't done with any malice, it just doesn't even come onto his radar. After such another awful birthday 3 years ago, and going to bed in tears at 8pm when he made no effort whatsoever, I stopped making the effort for his. No days out, no homemade picnics and cakes, no family meals. Nada. Just a card with some cash in. Same for Christmas. It doesn't make me feel any better about it, tbh, but what it does do is stop me resenting him for it. It's a small flaw in an otherwise very lovely human. And we all have them.

Windgate · 27/12/2018 12:03

But, and its a big but, its not the money that is the issue here - its the time and effort he put into it. It took him 30 seconds to book the restaurant. Big deal.

If he wanted to put time and effort in to gift buying then he would. Perhaps it's time you stopped making so much effort.

Purplecatshopaholic · 27/12/2018 12:12

My Ex came over to take the dog out and came back with a hastily bought bottle of prosecco in a Co Op bag - one of the many reasons why he is now my Ex....

Minniemountain · 27/12/2018 12:20

YANBU. He knew what mattered to you but didn't do it.

PoisonousSmurf · 27/12/2018 12:26

Me and DH decided years ago to only get presents for the children, If we want something special then we buy it ourselves. He might give me some money if I see something nice.
But we're over all the 'having something to open'.
I get more presents from my cleaning clients .

melj1213 · 27/12/2018 12:27

I went into town, searched out the things for him, wrapped them etc. Not a great monetary cost, but costly in effort

But that is your choice.

You can't hold it against him that you went to huge effort when he didn't when it was your choice to do so (and unless this year is out of character you knew he wouldn't put a huge amount of effort to buy a physical gift to open). You can't change others behaviour you can only change your own expectations.

You know he prefers to gift an experience - trip/meal/event/money etc and won't buy something just so you have something to physically open on the day.

So in future you can either accept that you wont get a physical gift and choose to scale back your gift giving effort to match or you can make your usual effort and accept that it will not be matched by your DHs effort.

RumbleInTheJungle29 · 27/12/2018 12:31

My DH does this. Tbf it’s his only real ‘fault’ and I’ve told him it upsets me and he agrees that he will try harder next time but it doesn’t seem to register for long. I now send him emails with links at Christmas and he buys the lot so I defo end up with more than I would if he was left to his own devices! He isn’t tight and does show love in many many different ways, present buying just isn’t his thing. I half accept it now. He did buy me a photo frame this year in the card shop on Christmas Eve when he realised as the kids were writing out cards for family he hadn’t bought any for me. I loved the frame as I didn’t tell him to buy it. I do remind him about upcoming events now and that I would like something and he usually gets something but it’s rarely really well thought out.

He does buy me flowers fairly regularly not for special occasions. On my 30th he took me abroad for a weekend on a surprise trip which was amazing and thoughtful but then didn’t get me a card so I was upset over that. He just doesn’t think like I do. I have not bought him stuff before just to prove a point and he genuinely couldn’t care less. He’d rather we just spend time together, have a meal out or night away etc. Maybe your dh is the same?

Is your dh wonderful in other ways? Do you know that he loves you? If so, maybe you need to come to an agreement over this. You send him a link of what you want, remind him to go to the card shop, etc. I know others will say he needs to do it himself and don’t enable this behaviour and I partly agree tbh but if your dh is great in other ways you may have to let this one go or train him up though it may take time!

Aragog · 27/12/2018 13:01

So when he books something it's "all he did was phone the restaurant" but when you book concert tickets it's a big effort?

To be fair it depends on the restaurant and the concert.

Many restaurants it is simply a case of phone and book a date and time. Depends if it's one of those or a trying a few times, having to phone at the right time and the right date type of sorting it out and making plans.

Most concert tickets I buy I do have to our more effort into. Per order codes, setting up devices in advance, being ready to be online at a set date/time, joint virtual queues, etc.

Again if it's just an easy concert to get tickets for - then same as phoning and booking a restaurant. But many other concerts take a fair bit more effort when sought after shows!

IJustLostTheGame · 27/12/2018 13:09

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.
Stop buying him anything.
It's not the money, it's the thought and effort. DH and I have a £20 cap of gifts to each other so it is only the thought that counts.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 27/12/2018 14:01

They are the first to start whinging and moaning if they don't get enough sex. what on earth has that got to do with being bought gifts? I mean no one would withhold sex (a presumably mutually enjoyable and important part of a relationship) over physical gifts would they?

OP your partner may just prefer to spend the time with you such as a meal or weekend away rather than buy stuff just to open. I'd be over the moon with a weekend away but then something like that is hugely extravagant for us, this may not be the case if you have loads of money. Similarly a meal out for us would be a huge treat!

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