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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask advice regarding termination

34 replies

Inbigtroublenow · 27/12/2018 09:08

Name changed for this. My intention is not to upset anyone with this thread, only to seek advice as I can’t talk to anyone about this in the real world. I’m expecting some harsh comments as this is AIBU and it’s a bear pit but it has the most traffic so I’ll take the rough with the smooth in order to get some responses.

I’ve confirmed what I suspected and I’m pregnant. I have 2 DC age 3 and 7 months. Right now I’m feeling I can’t go through it again. I had a hard pregnancy last time it pushed my body to the limit, and have I’ve been suffering with PND, my DH and I find it hard with two small children and are snappy at each other most of the time. I don’t know how we’d afford a third or if it would be fair on the others. Especially my youngest as he’s still so little and I haven’t had time to enjoy him yet. Especially as his older sibling demands so much attention. How on earth could I split myself three ways and keep everyone happy? I was also due to go back to work soon and looking forward to it and thinking ahead to trying to make a career for myself.

I’ve booked an appointment with Bpas for next week. I think this is the right decision but I’m so scared that with each day it will get harder and I’m scared for the termination itself. My anxiety is through the roof and telling me that if I get rid of this baby something bad will happen to my other children as punishment. Which is ridiculous as I don’t believe in Devine retribution.

Has anyone been in this situation and gone though with it with no regrets? I know most people do regret terminations so I’m expecting a lot of responses like that but it would be good to hear from the other side. I know it’s my choice at the end of the day and DH and I are yet to discuss properly. I’m just a bit numb at the moment and needed to write it down.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 27/12/2018 09:17

10 yrs ago I terminated at 9 weeks. It was my third pregnancy, completely unplanned and unwanted. I didn't want anymore children and asked my dr repeatedly to help with this, but he wouldn't do anything as I was a "new mother reacting to a traumatic birth" according to him. The truth is far far away from that!

Dd2 was 5mths, and the choice to terminate was easy. I knew as soon as I saw that second blue line. 10 years on I have no regrets. Not one single moment of "what if" or "if only" NOTHING. It was the BEST choice for me, and my children.

People will tell you that you will regret it for the rest of your life. You won't.
People will say that you never regret the children you have. You can.

Ultimately, no one can make this choice for you and views will be very polarized, especially on here. No one knows your circumstances, and lots of people think that it's meant to be, etc etc. But it is YOUR choice.

onalongsabbatical · 27/12/2018 09:17

Oh, OP, you poor love, that’s really difficult. I can’t give you advice as such except you need to find out what’s right for you and your family and whatever you decide is the right decision. Will they counsel you at BPAS before you finally decide? I imagine they will and you won’t be judged you’ll get nothing but sympathy and care, which is what you both need and deserve now. How pregnant are you and what does your DH say?
So sorry. Keep breathing.
By the way I wouldn’t say most people regret terminating, I think a lot of women are just pleased and relieved forever that they were able to make that decision for themselves. People’s responses are different and regret and pain can be worked through, too.
Flowers

Littlebluebird123 · 27/12/2018 09:17

I'm so sorry you're finding this hard. What a difficult place you're in.

I would urge you to speak to your DH about it all though. Whatever your decision it will be better if you're on the same page as you'll need support and he's better placed to do that than an internet forum.
I know that for me, those first few years of little ones placed an enormous strain on our relationship but now we've worked through it I wouldn't be without any of my children.
I've never had a termination and so can't comment on that side. It does sound like you'd be sad about doing it as you're unsure. I believe that bpas has a number to call so you can discuss it all with them. But certainly, try to sit down with dh, whatever you do, you are better to do it together.

Sh00tingstar · 27/12/2018 09:21

I had an abortion. I know that it was the right thing to do and I don't have regrets about it but I am still cross with myself for being silly enough to have to put myself through it.
I was still breastfeeding so had the surgical abortion. I had to go alone as DH was childcare as we told no one.

Avis7 · 27/12/2018 09:24

I've seen stats suggesting as few as 5% of women regret terminating pregnancies. You know your body and your family and you have every right to make whatever decision is the best for you. Your career matters. The time you want to spend with your children matters. Your mental health matters. I don't think you should have to feel obliged to push all those things away as some sort of punishment or consequence for becoming pregnant again.

namechange642 · 27/12/2018 09:26

Hello, I had a termination at 6 weeks pregnant in 2015.
I do bitterly regret it.
History has repeated itself as I'm pregnant again and need to have a termination, I have a 4 month old baby. I am already in bits about it.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 27/12/2018 09:29

It's not the case that 'most people' regret terminations. Where do you have this idea from?

The rhetoric of terminations being regretted in more cases than not is part of the 'pro-life' arsenal. Now shock and scare tactics are beginning to fall out of favour, they are trying emotional terror dressed up as compassion.

Of course some people do regret having a termination. It wouldn't be fair of me to tell you nobody does. But many, many more go ahead with no regrets and feel even decades later that they made the right choice. I say this even as someone who considered termination with dc3, went ahead with the pregnancy, and am very, very glad I did.

I only have your brief post to go on, but it sounds to me as if you really do not want this baby, and that the overriding emotion pulling you the other way is guilt, or, more precisely, anticipated guilt, and judgement. There is - properly (that is, barring the 'pro-life' talk) - no condemnation and there will be no punishment for this. As far as people telling you you will regret it (or, for that matter, those telling you you won't), their words are cheap, because they are not the ones who will live long-term with whatever you do. It sounds to me that the strain of a baby now would have a greater impact on you than a termination. And it is OK to prioritise the potential impact on you over the internalised judgement people bring to bear on women for their own, more or less nefarious, reasons. This is your life, nobody else's.

The termination itself - obviously it won't be a pleasant experience but you will be treated with kindness and compassion and it is survivable. I have had several ERPCs under general for miscarriages and also medical management of mc and I assume the processes are similar. If you care for yourself you can and will get through it.

GetYourRocksOff · 27/12/2018 09:29

I've terminated twice since having my youngest and turning 30. Not something I am overly proud of but I'm happy with my decisions. Contraception fails. The way I see it I made the decision not to have a baby when I use contraception. Terminating a pregnancy when it fails is the safety net we're fortunate enough to have.

We're kind of sold this idea of trauma and regret and anguish when it comes to terminations but it's not like that for most people. Every processional I encountered was understanding and respectful.

Bigonesmallone3 · 27/12/2018 09:30

Only u know what's best for u and it sounds like u know what's best for u and ur family on this occasion..
Doin something that is in the best interest of ur family is nothing to be ashamed of.
Of course ur nervous but u will be ok.. I hope ur DH is supporting u as much as possible

Pinguuu · 27/12/2018 09:31

Morning OP

I was in a very similar position to you this time last year.

I found out I was pregnant on boxing day last year and it was a complete shock and not what we wanted. I already have a DD who was 18 months at the time and had suffered terrible HG and PND. I was in my final year of uni and was barely coping as it was.

I had a termination 10th Jan with Bpas, very straight forward. It was the right decision for us and my mental health. I don't regret it.

Please feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk further Flowers

differentnameforthis · 27/12/2018 09:33

@namechange642 Flowers Be kind to yourself

differentnameforthis · 27/12/2018 09:34

Where do you have this idea from? Commonly voiced on here in threads regarding terminations.

DooBDoo · 27/12/2018 09:35

My mum had my brother (3) & me (1) when she fell pregnant again.

She decided to have an abortion because she felt couldn't cope with three kids under 5. Her DH was a shit dad to us 2 kids and no help whatsoever.

Of course she feels sad about it now, as she did then, but she never regretted it. She felt she had to take that decision.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 27/12/2018 09:35

differentname, tbf it was more of a rhetorical question - so the OP might think about where she has got that idea from, who/what is telling her that and why.

Churchillian · 27/12/2018 09:39

I’ve had 2 terminations in different circumstances, but equally where I felt that I couldn’t have a baby, and whilst it was a difficult decision and I felt sad and emotional immediately afterwards, in the longer term I don’t regret or feel guilty for having them and know that it was the right decision for me. Talk to your friends if you can - you will find that many of them have gone through abortions and are ok about it.

Twillow · 27/12/2018 09:42

I've had 2 terminations for very different reasons and with very different feelings. The first when I was very young and feckless, not regretted at all - a great relief. The second when I found myself unexpectedly pregnant during a traumatic break-up. I was heartbroken as I knew I wanted children at that point and I never fully recovered from it until I did later have a child. SO if you're anxious about managing and happy with the number of children you have now, I would certainly go ahead with a termination in your shoes.

jamoncrumpets · 27/12/2018 09:44

I have a 6mo and a 4yo with additional needs. If I found myself pregnant I would terminate without a shadow of a doubt. It would be disastrous for our family, and I refuse to put myself through another awful pregnancy.

abbsisspartacus · 27/12/2018 09:44

Can you get counselling before and after? You should be fine xxx

kaytee87 · 27/12/2018 09:48

I don't think most people regret terminations at all. If the pregnancy isn't a wanted one then a termination should be a relief and it's the best thing to do.

Rainshowers · 27/12/2018 09:52

I fell pregnant earlier this year when my DD was only 4 months old, I already have a 4 year old. I was on the pill and it failed. We went back and forth and decided on a termination. The waiting between appointments was horrible and I ended up having to have a surgical abortion as I’d just missed the cut off for tablets. But when it was over I just felt relief. And although it’s not an experience I’d want to repeat I’ve come to terms with the fact it was definitely the best decision for all of us.

ErickBroch · 27/12/2018 09:54

Had 2, never regret them for even a second.

Guacatrole · 27/12/2018 09:58

I had three under three and I found it very difficult. It doesn't get easier either, they just get bigger and the arguments change I now have three teenagers to look forward to as well Hmm

When I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with a fourth a less than a year after my third was born I thought my life was over and was devastated. I knew I'd regret and resent the child. It is simply not true that "No one regrets a child". Lots of people do, and people who spout that are not capable of empathy.

What very few people regret is a termination. The reason we fear terminations is that we tell women they will regret them. It's a mantra repeated by the pro life charities and it's shit. Because it is simply not true. I don't even think about the termination except when threads like this appear.

I nearly didn't have the abortion though, I was so scared I'd be full of regret that I nearly had a fourth child I was incapable of taking care of. And I do mean that I was not capable of looking after it, my mental health was failing. I was a shambles.

One good thing did come out of it the whole debacle, I told Dh that after watching me give birth three times and watching me terminate he might want to think about doing the decent thing and get himself a vasectomy. Best thing we ever did. Definitely consider it if you think you might not want more in the future. It was very much his turn to take responsibility for our fertility.

Guacatrole · 27/12/2018 10:02

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/features/1-in-3-women-have-an-abortion-and-95-dont-regret-it-so-why-arent-we-talking-about-it-10392750.html

The numbers of women who do have abortions are staggering when you consider how little we discuss it. We're all so afraid because it's a taboo subject and you are supposed to feel guilty and like a terrible person.

Biggerknickersagain · 27/12/2018 10:13

I have had 2 terminations, both for very different reasons. Now, I honestly do not regret either, because it was the right decision at the time. The first one were circumstances out of my control and for various reasons I didn't access emergency contraception - I should have but didn't. That I regretted for a while but I now understand better why I didn't and although wish I'd either not been in that position, or had seen things differently then, I don't regret it.
The second was contraception failure after DD and PND and I wasn't coping with life at all. Again, it was the right decision but I do regret having to make it because I wasn't thinking clearly at the time and maybe I could have avoided the whole situation.
It did take me a long time to come to terms with the first one tbh, but I never doubted or regretted the decision, just the circumstances and how I could have handled it differently with support or maybe maturity.
It is hard, your hormones do play havoc for a while after and looking back I can see that now.
If you're sure it's the right decision, and have support from DH then do what you feel is right for you. If you don't have support then make sure you tell the clinic because they can provide, or point you towards councilling which will help put it into perspective.
I hope everything works out for you Flowers