To ask advice regarding termination

[Inbigtroublenow]

Name changed for this. My intention is not to upset anyone with this thread, only to seek advice as I can’t talk to anyone about this in the real world. I’m expecting some harsh comments as this is AIBU and it’s a bear pit but it has the most traffic so I’ll take the rough with the smooth in order to get some responses.

I’ve confirmed what I suspected and I’m pregnant. I have 2 DC age 3 and 7 months. Right now I’m feeling I can’t go through it again. I had a hard pregnancy last time it pushed my body to the limit, and have I’ve been suffering with PND, my DH and I find it hard with two small children and are snappy at each other most of the time. I don’t know how we’d afford a third or if it would be fair on the others. Especially my youngest as he’s still so little and I haven’t had time to enjoy him yet. Especially as his older sibling demands so much attention. How on earth could I split myself three ways and keep everyone happy? I was also due to go back to work soon and looking forward to it and thinking ahead to trying to make a career for myself.

I’ve booked an appointment with Bpas for next week. I think this is the right decision but I’m so scared that with each day it will get harder and I’m scared for the termination itself. My anxiety is through the roof and telling me that if I get rid of this baby something bad will happen to my other children as punishment. Which is ridiculous as I don’t believe in Devine retribution.

Has anyone been in this situation and gone though with it with no regrets? I know most people do regret terminations so I’m expecting a lot of responses like that but it would be good to hear from the other side. I know it’s my choice at the end of the day and DH and I are yet to discuss properly. I’m just a bit numb at the moment and needed to write it down.

Thank you all so much for your replies. MN at its best. It’s very reassuring to hear that people have not regretted going ahead with an abortion. I think I worry because my mental health is fragile and I feel between a rock and a hard place. If I go ahead with the pregnancy I could plunge further into PND and put strain on the family, if I terminate I could get more depressed anyway regretting my decision. I think it’s hard as I’m not totally opposed to another child in theory. But not right now. It’s such bad timing and I think my body would fall apart at the end of another 9 months. If I could click my fingers right now I would not be pregnant so I guess there is my answer. At the moment I’m more sad and angry that me and DH let ourselves get in this situation.

I don’t know where I got that most people regret abortions. I guess from just years on forums and people seeking advice for regret. You don’t tend to post about things you don’t regret!

I didn’t realise that 1 in 3 have an abortion. That is so much higher than I imagined. Thanks for posting that link.

In September I terminated at 6 weeks. I found out I was pregnant unexpectedly and had a 9mo son. My reasons for terminating were very similar to yours. I just couldn’t imagine how I would cope with two under 18 months, I wasn’t sure I even wanted another at all. I went through BPAS and I was terrified, but the staff working there couldn’t have been more kind or professional. I had a counselling session beforehand which really helped. 3 months down the line and honestly I have no regrets. I think about it every day and I probably always will, but whereas at first I was sad and angry and all those negative feelings I can now look back and know it was actually a decision made out of love for my family.

It’s the hardest thing emotionally I have ever gone through so I feel for you, OP. It does get better though I promise. All the best whatever you decide x

I have an 11 month old and a 5yo. I’m just dealing with PND and thought I was pregnant last month.

Thankfully I wasn’t (paranoia and fear) but if I had been I’d have had a termination. It would’ve been hard but I know I’d not have regretted it as my mind and body would not survive.

Much love to you. Such a difficult time.

I had a termination in 2015 at 8 weeks. I’ve never regretted it. I have 2DC and I know I couldn’t have another - I could barely function during my last pregnancy and my body just couldn’t cope with another. I’d have termination if need be.

I think it’s hard as I’m not totally opposed to another child in theory.

And you still can, when the time is right.

I think even women who see themselves as pro choice still fall victim to the myth that there is a right kind of abortion.

Abuse, or being left and struggling financially, too young.

Having an abortion when you already have children and want more, and are with the dad etc, it's the "wrong kind", the kind you can't justify. And that's bullshit. The only wrong kind is the kind where a woman is pressured into terminating.

Caitlin Moran writes well about this in one of the chapters in How to Be a Woman, I think.

@AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo Thanks for clarifying.

I had a termination nearly five years ago, and don't feel any regret. I also don't feel the need to provide a "good" (good enough for whom ?) excuse for it. I didn't want a baby.

I think of it very, very rarely, though my mum, who does not have the experience of having one, seems to think I ought to be suffering from some deep trauma relating to it. Whenever I'm upset, she'll always say, "Is this because of the thing that happened?" No, mum!

My SIL and several friends of mine have also had terminations (it's not rare), and none of the men have expressed regrets that I'm aware of.