To feel jealous of my sister?

[Jodielie]

Basically she doesn't work because she doesn't want to, so lives off benefits, but has managed to buy her dd everything she asked for for Christmas. Then posts pictures on Facebook of her dd and all her new toys.

Me and dp both work but don't earn a lot so after paying bills and rent we aren't left with much spare cash. Our dd didn't get even half of what her cousin got.

They are both similar ages and into the same things. Those familiar with LOL dolls will know how expensive they are. We got dd 3 capsules £15 each and her cousins got the LOL big surprise £60 and a few capsules and a biggie LOL Pets too. She makes whatever we buy look pointless!

She's very generous with gifts too and ours look worthless compared to hers .

It's really got me feeling down as she also has been able to spend all Christmas with her dd as she doesn't have a job. Yet me and dp only have Christmas Day and Boxing Day at home with dd. At least one of us is working every day now.

I know it's petty to feel jealous but why does she have to show everyone on social media too?

No wonder she doesn't want to work when she can live a life like this!

I do believe the OP as I have a friend in similar circumstances. She is 40 and has never worked. Her and her children want for nothing.
When my children were small, I was a single parent working 50-60 hours per as a childminder to keep us all afloat. We weren't a great deal better off than her, and that was difficult to explain to my children, especially when on school holidays she was free to go places with her children at the drop of a hat, and my children had to wait til I was off work/ could afford it.

Most of us know of someone who seems to live amazingly well on benefits, but there's always a tale under the surface. Outside of London benefits do go further btw and little chance of capping unless a massive family, but I'm not talking about that.

My husbands cousin is on benefits, manages to pop a kid every 4-5 years, but I know her dad gives her money every week, pays for holidays etc, my neighbour on the other hand I know works off the record, whereas my old neighbour just run up more and more debt. You can manage money in different ways but at some point the job centre will sanction her or make her do courses etc to get work ready etc dont be jealous, but do think about what you can do to earn more/improve your job

I would also think this is perhaps due to maintenance payments from her ex, rather than benefits

It's not just the money I'm talking about it's the time they get too. My sister did work full time from the age of 19 - 32 then she had dd and hasn't worked since. She knows what it's like to be earning vs on benefits.

I'm jealous of the fact she can do stuff with dd whilst I'm working.

I have no idea why she feels the need to show the world on social media!

There’s a cap, unless she or her child are disabled she’s getting less money than you two are making. So the likelihood is that she’s going into debt to do these things. That’s not something to feel envious of. Living on benefits is almost impossible now - there is not heaps of surplus cash for expensive gifts. Some benefits claimants still need to use food banks.

So do the same as her if you think it’s so much better - I suspect you won’t and you know why.

My twins are two, i now Work extremely part time only as childcare fees are too much - my twins start nursery in January two mornings a week and that’s only because one is funded due to disability.

This is the same as my Dsis and her kids. Turns out she was racking up debt on store cards. Many thousands of pounds of debt. There’s no way your sister can afford to not work, live on benefits and pay for all of that. Unless she’s getting money from elsewhere that’s not legal. Selling cannabis that type of thing. Lots of people do that and make several hundred a week extra. You’re assuming her only income is benefits.

It’s truly ok to feel jealous. It’s a completely normal human emotion and I personally think that the problems come when we try to suppress it. I’ve struggled with it a lot, to do with siblings and peers and it was really getting me down until I thought about it and came to the conclusion that it’s just a normal reaction to the pressures of life to feel jealous and gave myself permission to just feel how I feel. I still struggle with these feelings (it doesn’t make me feel like a very nice person) but I guess we should stop expecting perfection from ourselves. Relationships with siblings are very complicated and that’s ok. I think you can give yourself permission to feel how you feel.
A note on social media- you never really know what the true picture is. I remember a few years ago feeling so jealous of someone I knew because her pictures presented three happy children and loads of material belongings. I found out later that at the same time this person was experiencing major mental health problems to the extent she was eventually sectioned and you would NEVER guess this from her social media updates. I’m not saying this made me feel better about comparing my life but it did make me look at social media differently.
I think what I’m trying to say is just be a bit kinder to yourself. You love your children. They will remember that more than how many LOL dolls they got x

Pretty sure she's not selling cannabis

Maybe she is thousands of pounds in debt!

Thank you unusualusernames

OP, people shouldn't be better off on benefits than working, that's a given. But that's an issue for the Government. But as PP have said, it's likely she's raking up debt to afford all that rather than getting so much on benefits that she can splash out. The time you will have to let go - nothing you can do about that. Just know you are setting a better example for your daughter than she is.

I believe you ok. I know a couple of people who are on benefits but have far more available spending money than me.

Sometimes I feel shit that we has to go to school at 7.30 til 4.15. I am knackered and never seem to have time for me.

But then I think there is more to this. Benefits aren't alot. They must be good at saving or in debt. Though I do suspect at least one is claiming she lives on her own. I couldn't live with that amount of stress.

One of my best friends, because of her upbringing, has got in debt for Christmas. She can't stand the thought of the kids not having what they want. She grew up with her parents money for alcohol coming first. She is an amazing parent and doesn't need to do this. Her kids don't expect alot. But it causes her anxiety and stress. I wouldn't want to be in her shoes either, where Christmas is based on how big the pile is. She is a truly amazing parent and doesn't need to do that.

On mn you can't comment on people on benefits without being accused if benefits bashing. It's as though, on mn, you can't comment on the issue or your feelings about it. People want to shut you down.

I would like to add that I am also a but jealous of people who get to study and have kids too. I don't get how they can afford that either.

Being totally honest, there was a time when you could live a good life on benefits.

That time has gone though. Lone parents are expected to work once their child is school age.

Being jealous is not helpful, jealousy is an ugly emotion. So your sister has found a way of making her benefits work, some are very good at managing finances but it's far more satisfying and, ultimately, better financially, to go out to work.

If you love your sister you'll put the green eyed monster aside and count your blessings. No-one knows what the future holds for her. At least your kids have the advantage of two good, working parents who set a good example/

Happy new year.

My sister was the same. Spent years on benefits. She spent 100's on her kids at Christmas.....cause she wasn't paying her bills when she should have been. She would wait for the red letters then pay bits of the bills rather than in full. She also had credit cards (bigger limits than I was allowed and I was working!). You don't know that she's not doing the same. I'd rather my bills were paid first.

Don't believe everything you see on social media. It's all shite. My next door neighbour posts all this stuff on social media about her perfect family, perfect kids etc. In reality, she never takes the kids out anywhere. They get palmed off onto which ever relative will have them every weekend. She spends most evenings screaming at them for one thing or another and if it's not the kids it's her partner she's arguing with, threatening to kick him out of 'her' house (which make me think she's not told the HA or benefits people he's living there).

I'm not parent of the year, by any stretch of the imagination. But then I'm also not pretending to be on social media.

Just a thought, but is it possible that she may not be telling he truth on facebook about all the trips out and everything. Also, she could have got the toys through some catalogue scheme or offer or also through some dodgy means. She could also have some savvy means of working from home, ie matched betting or something. She may be savvier with money than you realise but the showing off is not on. Either way, I could never envy someone on benefits, all the sanctions business must be truly shitty to deal with. Try and give your Sister a wide berth and stay off facebook

A close family member gets near on £700 a month (and doesn’t pay rent or council tax) to spend on just water, gas/electric and food; so I can quite believe this, although it appears it isn’t the same for everyone on benefits. This isn’t a benefits bash, just that if you believed everything you read in the papers it would be easy to believe that every single person is on the breadline. FWIW there is no way you could afford rent and that disposable income in a low paid job!

You don't get that much benefits so got to be credit or good saving. He

My sister also managed massive piles of presents at Christmas when on benefits, including Gameboys, bikes, and the like, oh and the annual all-inc fortnight in Majorca in August. I never knew how she did it!! Her annual ‘income’ was more than me working full time. She never paid a penny in rent, council tax etc. A lot of MN will pile on and say it’s ‘no fun’ being on benefits but let me just say she had a great time.

I think some people, whether on benefits or not, spend money on shite. Don’t compare yourself.

I’m temporarily on benefits due to ex walking out (I was going to be a sahm to the baby so gave up work after mat leave)

Including income support, child tax credits, housing benefit and council tax support, I get around £20,000 a year (that’s with the 2 children cap)

I was on £22,000 working full time! But I now don’t have the associated costs of petrol and parking, childcare, we even get free school dinners and subsidised school trips.

I can see the allure of staying on benefits as it’s basically the equivalent on a full time job on minimum wage, plus getting to do the school run for the older kids and being a SAHM to my toddler.

But it’s not how I want to live, and I start my new job on the 14th January (if DBS comes back by then)

Oh for goodness sake.

I was a single parent on unemployment benefits for 3 years. You get £150 a week with one child. That is to pay for all bills, food, clothing.

She will NOT be able to afford to buy all those presents on benefits. I know because I was in that situation myself. So she must have some other source of income.

I work now and get working tax credits and I am better off by over £100 a week as DS is now school age. So your sister most certainly will be too if she gets a job. You are certainly not better off on benefits once your child reaches school age and childcare costs drop.

Pmsl. Sorry, but this is a load of steaming turd. Everyone can see how much benefits are. Go on entitledto and work it out. And then have a good long think about whether or not that amount stretches to what you are describing without massive debt.

And good luck with the "can work a few hours now kids are at school" too.