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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me with my in laws please!

38 replies

skyfullofstars · 27/12/2018 02:51

Please help my with my in laws! Husband and I have been together for over 5 years now.
At the beginning we all got on great however both his Mum and Dad have now upset me on separate occasions and I don't know how to move forward.
His Mum upset me when I invited her wedding dress shopping (She has no daughters herself, and my mum had died 6 months previously) and she turned round and said she wanted a surprise - No thought that I might need someone. I let this go at the time but 2 1/2 years later it still upsets me and we don't get a long as well, I tolerate her.
They invited themselves to our house on boxing day as it suits them to stay on their journey up to Scotland. Fil was working Christmas day so we ended up cooking a full Christmas Dinner (we had ours on Christmas Day with my family). They turned up as the food was ready, sat the table, he started eating before everyone was served, ignored the 'toast' and crackers, ate his dinner super quickly and then left the table and went for a nap. 2 hours later went to the pub. I was brought up to see this as really bad manners so it upsets me and I was embarrassed in front of my family. The only excuse he has is that he has an allergy to our pets but I've talked to him about antihistamines previously. His behaviour also meant there was no present exchanges etc. His wife said nothing. I feel like I need to tell them I'm upset we made the effort and spent a lot of money so that it doesnt bubble away and ruine the relationship the same way as it has with mil, but I don't want to fall out with them for my husband's sake. Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
Whateverletmepost · 27/12/2018 02:54

Can your husband speak to them? Perhaps act as a mediator?

Weenurse · 27/12/2018 02:55

What does DH say?

Original poster
skyfullofstars · 27/12/2018 03:13

Husband just shrugs at me. He will go out of his way to avoid any kind of conflict though. Any other scenario he would go out of his way to make sure I'm happy but I understand with his parents it's awkward.

OP posts:
Anothermothersusername · 27/12/2018 03:16

I think something needs to be said and it should come from your DH. You need to put on a united front. If there are any signs of this not being the case then they will think that they can walk all over you. I speak from bitter experience.

BumbleBeee69 · 27/12/2018 03:20

Your DH needs to address this issue, not you OP.

Lovingbenidorm · 27/12/2018 03:27

I have been dealing with in-laws that I have found rude, thoughtless, unkind, bigoted and generally unpleasant for about 30 yrs.
Shrugging DH who hates conflict (with his family) is par for the course.
If you love DH and your life is generally happy and good, I’d say ‘suck it up girlfriend!’
Not being mean op ,honest.
My tip is be you, be honest, be strong, stand by your man, don’t take no shite, smile when necessary, try not to bark.
Good luck xx

HirplesWithHaggis · 27/12/2018 03:28

Your MiL is considerably more diplomatic than I when it comes to shopping for wedding dresses. I would not have been able to contain my horror at the very thought (I didn't even shop for my own, just borrowed my sister's). So if you're still fuming about that two and a half years later, to the extent you're allowing it to damage your relationship with MiL, I do think yabu.

FiL I'm less sure, though if he's driving such a long way that it requires an overnight stay en route I can understand his need for a nap after a big meal. Did he actually take antihistamines (they can affect driving/tiredness) because of his allergies? If not, I can also understand him wanting/needing to leave the house for a while and a pub would be a logical destination. So you may be being U with him too.

Skittlesandbeer · 27/12/2018 03:47

Start planning for next Boxing Day now. Sandwiches with leftovers, soft drink, paper plates, then you go off and have a good long nap too (preferably with Netflix and a glass of bubbly). A nice packet of biscuits for their drive, as a gift. No stroppiness, just breezily announce things and move things along. Take no notice of comments.

Leave your DH & MIL to enjoy each other’s company, while FIL snores. That’s obviously how they do xmas, so why try for more? Stop trying so hard. If your DH wants to do more, let him do it alone.

Or plan something for yourself, elsewhere. Welcome them, big Xmas hug, pour a drink then leave them too it. Byyyyyyeeeeee!

lboogy · 27/12/2018 04:40

You shouldn't have expected mil to support you choosing a good wedding dress. Did you expect her to be a surrogate mum to you? If so I think it's an unreasonable expectation on your part. She may have been worried that you and her may fall out over opinions on your dress choices.Yabu to still be upset about that

The FiL behaviour is bizarre and rude but it's for your DP to address not you. If he doesn't want to address it then you need to let it go

Didiusfalco · 27/12/2018 04:48

I don’t know, the wedding dress shopping is a shame but doesn’t seem worth holding a grudge over and the thing with your fil sounds unfortunate but could have been due to a number of factors including the length of the drive or him feeling unwell. If I was your dh I would approach it by asking if fil was feeling okay. I’m not sure any of this makes them terrible people or is worth falling out over.

tillytrotter1 · 27/12/2018 05:13

His Mum upset me when I invited her wedding dress shopping (She has no daughters herself, and my mum had died 6 months previously) and she turned round and said she wanted a surprise - No thought that I might need someone. I let this go at the time but 2 1/2 years later it still upsets me and we don't get a long as well, I tolerate her.

So you were demanding that she jump to your tune! Not everyone finds other people's wedding endlessly fascinating. Very noble of you to 'let it go at the time' but you didn't, you're still whining about it two years later! Maybe she feels that she has to 'tolerate' her self-centred DIL!

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 27/12/2018 05:22

My IL's do the same with starting eating before everyone has their food, this year was especially bad as there was a kitchen mishap. They also leave the table before everyone is done, as the slowest eater it drives me crazy. It's irrational as I always tell people to start so their food is hot, and they don't need my 'permission' but it still irritates. They are lovely other than that though!

Stardustinmyeyes · 27/12/2018 05:27

So you had Christmas dinner with your family on Christmas Day then on Boxing Day you were embarrassed in front of your family, your post doesn’t make sense time wise.
Exactly what were you brought up to see as bad manners? Having a nap? Or going to the pub?
I think that you are looking for ways to cut contact with your in laws. If your DH normally will do anything for you, I’m sure that you’ll be able to persuade him to cut them off

Ibizama · 27/12/2018 05:30

Chebby, what was the kitchen mishap?

PickledChutney · 27/12/2018 05:33

Wow. You like to be upset over absolutely nothing then OP!! What a drama llama!! I'm not surprised that your DH won't tell his parents off. They haven't really done anything particularly wrong, have they?!

BoomBoomsCousin · 27/12/2018 05:41

You are totally unreasonable about the dress incident. Their boxing day behaviour was very rude though. It sounds like you want a much closer relationship with them than they want with you and you're all misstepping a bit in trying to achieve your ideals.

If that is what's happening, you need to let it go. Not because YABU to want a closer relationship, you're not, but neither are they in wanting something less close. However, relationships are limited by the person wanting the least closeness. That's just how it is. You can either get a relationship at the level they are interested in or a dysfunctional mess where you all resent each other.

Birdie6 · 27/12/2018 06:22

Sorry but I can't understand why you expected her to go dress shopping when you got married . I can't imagine anything worse ! And in fact I thought she came up with a good excuse for not going ! The idea that you'd still be stewing about this 2 years later, makes me wonder if you are quite grown up . Time to move on , I'm afraid.

And maybe FIL was super-tired after a lot of driving - surely you can give him the benefit of the doubt.

Why did you think you had to cook an entire Christmas dinner on Boxing Day ? Didn't you and they have Christmas the previous day ? You need to lower your expectations and stop expecting them to appreciate something they didn't want or ask you for.

Bibijayne · 27/12/2018 06:40

Going to go against the grain here. I think OP was likely upset over the dress incident because she has recently lost her mum. The comment from MIL was tactless at the time - though perhaps a quiet convo about why it upset you might help things mend OP? You wanted her support and to feel like she wanted you in her family. I strongly suspect she did not mean to reject you though!

Boxing Day rudeness. Perhaps say something yourself? Not too barbed, but let them know that you wanted to do a proper gift exchange etc. I'd also be inclined to follow PP guidance on future scenarios like this and just gave a scram lunch madden from leftovers. Less stress, less expectation all round.

Shoxfordian · 27/12/2018 06:47

I don't think it's worth holding a grudge over wedding dress shopping, life is short op! I think you're making a big deal over the lunch thing too.

Silkie2 · 27/12/2018 06:56

I would try to move on from the wedding dress situation. Imagine you take DMIL who thinks 350 is enough for a nice dress, or has very firm views on how demure a wedding dress should be, you have saved up to 3,000 and want to make splash on the day. Lots of room for conflict there. Better on your own, but a good friend is best imv.
I would go to less trouble. Perhaps have leftovers and salad on the day of their visit. Rude behaviour is ignorable if it does not effect you but if you have cooked a full dinner with trimmings for them to behave like that then I would make sure I cared less. And you are an adult, can you skip or minimise the gift giving on a second day?
If DH complains tell him he can do all the work in future.
Yes, they are being rude but you have the option to minimise your effort and set your sights lower, would you prefer to go out for a run/walk whatever, do what you want to do to have a nice day, they probably won't notice!

malificent7 · 27/12/2018 07:20

Yes...i din't get why the no dress shopping thing is an issue. She is not your long lost mum sadly and wanting a surprise is lovely.
Your fil sounds a bit thougjtless but why not exchange gifts without him?

Laureline · 27/12/2018 07:36

Let it go, OP. And next year do things simply. It makes for less stress!

Gina2012 · 27/12/2018 07:40

Your outrage is caused by your expectations

Lower the expectations way down - and you'll be fine

Dress - let it go.

FIL - bit odd, quite rude, DH won't deal with him so you remember not to expect any plaudits and niceties next year and you do less - or let DH do all the PIL cooking

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/12/2018 08:08

I think OP was likely upset over the dress incident because she has recently lost her mum. The comment from MIL was tactless at the time If my DIL asked me to shop for wedding dress, my dress sense is such that it wouldn't occur to me she'd asked me for support, merely that she was inviting me as a favour to me, in the thought I might enjoy it. I really don't understand why OP is so upset by this incident.

If she'd have said "I need someone to help, I'd love it if you could" she'd probably have got a different answer.

It just makes life unnecessarily complicated if people go around asking one thing, meaning something different, and getting upset when the person answers the question that was asked and not the question that wasn't.

BertrandRussell · 27/12/2018 08:11

Who’s idea was the big Boxing Day dinner?

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