Help me with my in laws please!

[skyfullofstars]

Please help my with my in laws! Husband and I have been together for over 5 years now.
At the beginning we all got on great however both his Mum and Dad have now upset me on separate occasions and I don't know how to move forward.
His Mum upset me when I invited her wedding dress shopping (She has no daughters herself, and my mum had died 6 months previously) and she turned round and said she wanted a surprise - No thought that I might need someone. I let this go at the time but 2 1/2 years later it still upsets me and we don't get a long as well, I tolerate her.
They invited themselves to our house on boxing day as it suits them to stay on their journey up to Scotland. Fil was working Christmas day so we ended up cooking a full Christmas Dinner (we had ours on Christmas Day with my family). They turned up as the food was ready, sat the table, he started eating before everyone was served, ignored the 'toast' and crackers, ate his dinner super quickly and then left the table and went for a nap. 2 hours later went to the pub. I was brought up to see this as really bad manners so it upsets me and I was embarrassed in front of my family. The only excuse he has is that he has an allergy to our pets but I've talked to him about antihistamines previously. His behaviour also meant there was no present exchanges etc. His wife said nothing. I feel like I need to tell them I'm upset we made the effort and spent a lot of money so that it doesnt bubble away and ruine the relationship the same way as it has with mil, but I don't want to fall out with them for my husband's sake. Sorry for the long post.

Yabu about the wedding dress. Yabu about it at the time but even more so because you have held it this long and her it effect your relationship.

The fil thing wouldn't bother me but then I rather people eat while it's hot, i'd feel pressured if I knew people were waiting. Yes he should wait until everyone has finishes eating. Sleeping wouldn't bother me either tbh or the pub.

Overall I think you sound a bit petty tbh, it's definitely not worth getting yourself worked over and you definitely need to let the dress thing go

The wedding dress shopping, you asked out of kindness but you were expecting much more firm MIL. I understand that's down to the loss of your Mum but put yourself in MIL's shoes for a moment, you don't have a close relationship, she doesn't have daughters & was aware of your mum, obviously, but as you won't have shared your true feelings with her, she wasn't on the same page & gave what I think was a genuinely nice answer...she was looking forward to seeing you in the day.

Boxing Day, again you've had expectations that PIL hadn't a clue about. FIL could have been more gracious but I strongly suspect they feel very uncomfortable in your company.

You need to stop seeing it all from a hurt perspective & start again with them. I'd really look at how you are with them OP.

My DIL to be invited me to go along when she chose her wedding dress because I only have a son and she knew I’d therefore never have another chance. I was so very touched at her thoughtfulness. Both her parents were there too so it was entirely for my benefit bless her. And it was good because she accepted my offer of jewellery to match the dress.

It never occurred to me to want the surprise of seeing the dress for the first time at the wedding. And anyway she looked quite different on the day with make up etc. The new part was seeing the look on DS’s face as he turned to look at her. 12 years later I’ve never forgotten it.

An added bonus was that DS later loved the photos I’d taken, with her permission, of her trying on the dress in the shop

Your father-in-law sounds quite tactless, rather than deliberately rude, on the face of it. However, was there an element of differing expectations from the visit? Did your kind gesture of a re-run of Christmas dinner go unappreciated because he thought they were stopping by for a quick visit and a snack on a long drive? The phrasing ‘gift exchange’ is also quite formal; were you perhaps expecting a bit of an event, with everyone opening presents together one by one, whereas he was happy to give you a bag of presents and take one away?

I have to say that if a dil posted saying she had been expected to eat an unexpected Christmas dinner in the presence of animals she was allergic to, she would have been told she was absolutely right to get out of there as quickly as possible!

I don’t get why you did another full roast on Boxing Day when you clearly didn’t want to. I’d have done picky bits instead. You sound like you are being a bit of a martyr about it.

What was the ‘toast’ all about?!

if a dil posted saying she had been expected to eat an unexpected Christmas dinner in the presence of animals she was allergic to, she would have been told she was absolutely right to get out of there as quickly as possible!

Or just as likely that if she wants to invite herself for a convenient stop off with food thrown in then its up to her to get some antihistamines.

We don't know whose idea/expectation it was to have a full Christmas meal but really, this is just boorish behaviour. Its basic table manners to wait for everyone to be served and for people to finish. At the least make apologies and beg to be excused as you have a long journey (although apparently time to spend a couple of hours in the pub).

I think the dress thing was probably a misunderstanding. She probably didn't consider dress shopping as a big emotional event and assumed you were just asking her as a courtesy. Obviously from your perspective you were reaching out, especially after loosing your mother, and she knocked you back.

The meal thing was rude and tactless. He should have noticed that effort had been made and been grateful. I think you probably need to lower your expectations. Next time they come round don't spend time and money on a nice meal - just chuck some baked potatoes in the oven or whatever. If Fil has gone for a nap just carry on with whatever you were going to do without him..

I have to say that if a dil posted saying she had been expected to eat an unexpected Christmas dinner in the presence of animals she was allergic to, she would have been told she was absolutely right to get out of there as quickly as possible!

Not if she had invited herself round on Boxing day knowing there would be pets there and hadn't bothered to take any OTC medication. Even if the pets were a huge issue he could have excused himself politely and explained he was having an allergic reaction/was tired etc.

Yes-he behaved boorishly. My point was that the behaviour would have been interpreted differently if it had come from a different person.

Lovingbenidorm - Jesus love go back to the 40s

So next year do a buffet style lunch on Boxing Day much less stress
Then straight away do the present thing. - in our family we give everyone their gift and all open together rather than one at a time

Btw I’d be very offended if I invited someone over and they went to the pub. That’s bad manners

It was nice of you to invite the mil to go dress shopping but she may not have felt it was her place I think you’ve got to let it go

With all due respect, you tolerate your mil because she wouldn’t go dress shopping with you? She told you she wanted a surprise (fair enough) and you still hate her for that 2 1/2 years later? Completely understand your own mother had passed 6 months earlier but you need to let this grievance go after this long. Have you thought that she may just have assumed you were ‘just’ inviting her to be polite, rather than as support for you? Have you ever even told her this?