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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel doubtful now he's proposed

42 replies

FrenchFox · 27/12/2018 00:13

First time posting as need some perspective..
I'm a mum of 2 (12 and 7) turning 40 this year and finally got divorced earlier this year from an abusive relationship of 18 years. I met a nice guy just over a year ago - he knows I'm in a bit of a mess emotionally because of my ex and the divorce but he proposed to me Christmas day anyway.

It wasn't a huge surprise because he's mentioned that he doesn't want to waste time, but the way he did it was at his sister's house before dinner with all his family and my kids there doing their own thing, drinking etc, his sister was in kitchen so missed it all anyway ..
He gave me a gift to open and it was basically an empty box. He then mumbled something holding a ring out and expected me to say yes and be over-joyed etc.. well I was already getting upset because I felt humiliated opening an empty box in front of my kids and people looking so I said you need to get down on one knee and do it properly.. so he did get on one knee and put the ring on my finger but now I'm feeling doubtful.

All the old memories and fears are coming back of dealing with empty promises over the years, ongoing humiliation and feeling not worth the effort.. I promised myself I would never beg someone to love me ever again, or to want to spend time/effort etc.. I have a lot to give, great job, nice car and house so it's a big step forward and I have so many hopes and dreams and I want to made to feel special and appreciated.. but now I just feel let down because it was so ad-hoc and wondering if I'm signing back up to be taken for granted/used all over again?

OP posts:
MoodyMagda · 27/12/2018 00:18

You don't sound ready. Take some time and decide if this is really what you want. If he's serious about you, he'll understand and will be happy to wait.

Thewifipasswordis · 27/12/2018 00:19

Not ready. He is also not the right one. He is a rebound.

Run.

OneStepMoreFun · 27/12/2018 00:23

Just take as much time as you need to come to the right decision.

It doesn't sound exactly ad hoc. The empty box was because he'd planned to present the ring, and chosen Christmas day to do it. You may be projecting trouble from previous relationship onto him. But if you aren't ready, then you aren't ready. talk it through with him.

FineIsAChanceThing · 27/12/2018 00:23

He sounds immature and thoughtless at best, and manipulative at worst (as if he was counting on you not feeling able to say no in front of HIS family so as not to ‘spoil’ the mood).

You’ve been with him just over a year and you are clearly not ready to commit in this way. You need to sit down and spell this out to him clearly. If his response is to pressure you to change your mind or grumble about being embarrassed in front of his family now that he’s proposed, I’d strongly advise that you leave the bastard and spend some time thinking whether this is the sort of person you want to be in a relationship with, let alone married to, given everything you’ve been through already.

Singlenotsingle · 27/12/2018 00:25

Give him the ring back and say no, you're not sure and not ready

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2018 00:28

Please do tell him how you feel and that are not ready to committ to anything at all yet.

Then take your time.

What he tells his family is up to him. He instigated this odd situation and it's up to him how he gets out of it. He could always say it was a bit of joke and then just let it lie.

Certainly his doing this doesn't mean you need to say Yes or go through with it. At all. Ever. Thanks

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2018 00:29

Or take Singlenotsingle advice...
"Give him the ring back and say no, you're not sure and not ready"

Returnofthesmileybar · 27/12/2018 00:32

Definitely give him back the ring and say you aren't ready.

Maybe he didn't mean it but a surprise proposal after only a year in front of his family and your kids at Christmas is one shitty fucking proposal designed so you couldn't say no.
Definitely do not be pressured into anything else!

Ethel80 · 27/12/2018 00:33

You're recently divorced and you haven't been with this guy that long really, give yourself some time.

It might be that he's the right man but you're just not ready to commit yet or he might not be and that's ok.

Just be honest and if he's a good guy, he'll listen and understand.

Storminateacup1 · 27/12/2018 00:33

What a horrible way to do it, in front of his family at a gathering. Some people are so tactless.
I’d have a chat with him about how you felt pressured and that you’re not ready to take the next step yet.
If he gets angry then you know he’s not for you.
If he gets upset, but understands, you can go back to how things were and decide if you have a future with this man.
I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship for a few years, and it really does do a number on you, it’s hard to open up and trust again, but when the time is right you will get there.
Good luck OP Flowers

Hofuckingho · 27/12/2018 00:34

It’s perfectly understandable feeling as you do. However, don’t be too hasty in turning him down. Mumnetters love to jump in immediately and say LTB, etc.

He may be the right guy, so don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. My advice is to get engaged and see how it goes. Congratulations 🥂.

FishySea · 27/12/2018 00:37

Neither of you are ready. He does not know you well enough yet to see this was not the way to propose. He is rushing you into commitment. Don't allow him to take control of how and when the next steps in your relationship happen. If he loves and respects you he will try to understand. If he can't wait for you to be ready, he is not right for you.

CoughLaughFart · 27/12/2018 00:42

You’re in a strop that his sister didn’t see? You felt ‘humiliated’ opening an empty box?

You’ve probably made the decision for him.

user1485609714 · 27/12/2018 00:47

Forget the proposal - it could have been awkwardly sweet or it could've been manipulative and insensitive - do you want to commit to this guy for the rest of your life? If you definitely don't or aren't sure then back out now. Is he someone you can talk to and come out feeling better or worse for sharing your thoughts and feelings? It's better to back out now if it's not right but give it some time and discussion if you genuinely feel that it's right. Trust your instincts. Xxx

Original poster
FrenchFox · 27/12/2018 00:56

Thanks for the opinions, I know he'll be upset and I know he would try to understand if I say anything. I also know once I've said something, I can't un-say it.. the proposal wasn't what I was expecting and I worry it's a bad omen for the future.. you're all likely right that I'm just not ready right now 😔

OP posts:
tittietinsel · 27/12/2018 01:00

Just over a year wouldn't be long enough for me to bring someone into the day to day life of my 12 & 7 year olds tbh. I would only just be establishing more contact at that point, maybe that's why you have doubts?

Notmyrealname85 · 27/12/2018 01:28

Agree on trusting your instincts - when in doubt, don’t. Consider taking time just for you and your kids.

Anyway a year isn’t long enough to be engaged, especially considering you’ve had your focus elsewhere (divorce). (Cue posters saying they were engaged after less time, but they’re the exception)

Itisnearlybedtimeyet · 27/12/2018 03:27

It sounds very much like you don't want to marry him - it sounds like you know this isn't right. I know it's difficult but if you know it isn't what you want then back out. It will be hard, but so much better in the long run!

Joey7t8 · 27/12/2018 06:23

He sounds a bit insecure by trying to rush into marriage, even without taking your recent divorce into account.

Also, you describe him as a nice guy. Nice is a bit of a meh adjective to be using for someone that you’ll be spending the rest of your life with. He should be someone you find ‘amazing’, ‘incredible’, ‘fantastic’ etc., especially after only 1 year when you still have the early relationship giddiness.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 27/12/2018 07:07

You say you've got a lot to offer, great job and nice home etc, does he also have a good job and his own home?

Original poster
FrenchFox · 27/12/2018 08:29

He has been renting a house and has a reasonable job so if we moved in together can contribute to mortgage and bills etc. He's had his own fair share of ups and downs so he does understand how tricky things can be, especially where children are involved, he has full custody of his 6 yo too.

I wasn't very assertive in my last marriage because I was scared of the consequences so I've managed to survive since I moved out and went to women's refuge place.. had a lot of help from domestic abuse team and am just getting back on my feet now. My house is my fortress and I don't really let him come round, I go to his and visit so I can leave when I like.. I know that probably doesn't sound very normal and yes I do still feel needy but I don't want to live alone in the long term.

Obviously I've little experience in dating although I've been on dating sites, nothing has worked out any further than initial convo and he really does tick all my boxes.. He's authentic, never lets me down, knows how to cook and clean, always answers when I call, knows how to spoil me and look after me when I'm tired from work or ill so I'm still disappointed that the proposal was very nothingy..

I know that even tho it's a relatively short time we could make it work really well. Just don't understand why I feel so conflicted.

OP posts:
InappropriateGavels · 27/12/2018 08:45

Christmas is not the time to do a proposal - everyone's already emotional, stressed and highly strung and people feel pressured into saying yes.

If you're not ready, then you're not ready and you need to be honest with both yourself and with him.

13 years ago I was proposed to, out of the blue and I said yes because the guy was really nice (I was young) and at the time saying yes seemed like the right thing to do even if as I was looking at him holding the ring the words going through my head were "say no, say no" and it just ended up being as massive disaster. Domestic abuse, a divorce, lost all my life savings to the man and was left with nothing sleeping on my friends' floors. I had those doubts from the first moment he proposed, throughout the engagement and right up to the wedding, if only I'd listened to my instincts.

Only you know how you truly feel and what is best for you.

Doyoumind · 27/12/2018 08:54

I think your reaction to a proposal says a lot. A long time ago I was in a situation where I thought it was what I wanted and it was only when it came I realised it wasn't.

This is way too soon. You might feel differently further down the line but there is no need to rush.

Moonstoned · 27/12/2018 08:58

OP, what strikes me about your posts is not what you describe as a ‘nothingy’ proposal — though I find it complacent and manipulative to propose to a domestic violence survivor not long out of an abusive marriage in a crowd of family at an emotionally-loaded time like Christmas — but that you sound entirely unenthusiastic about him.

Is ‘authentic’, can cook and clean, answers when you call, looks after you when you’re tired or ill, doesn’t let you down — that sounds to me like a very minimal set of requirements.

And this is a man you don’t yet trust enough to let into your house. Honestly, OP. Trust your doubts here. At the least hand the ring back and slow things right down.

RandomMess · 27/12/2018 08:59

If you don't want to tell him you're not ready and hand the ring back tell him you want a long engagement and you are far from ready to move in together.

It's clear you're not ready, why is he in such a rush, he already is a parent do it's not like time is running out???

I would be wary too tbh!