Feel doubtful now he's proposed

[FrenchFox]

First time posting as need some perspective..
I'm a mum of 2 (12 and 7) turning 40 this year and finally got divorced earlier this year from an abusive relationship of 18 years. I met a nice guy just over a year ago - he knows I'm in a bit of a mess emotionally because of my ex and the divorce but he proposed to me Christmas day anyway.

It wasn't a huge surprise because he's mentioned that he doesn't want to waste time, but the way he did it was at his sister's house before dinner with all his family and my kids there doing their own thing, drinking etc, his sister was in kitchen so missed it all anyway ..
He gave me a gift to open and it was basically an empty box. He then mumbled something holding a ring out and expected me to say yes and be over-joyed etc.. well I was already getting upset because I felt humiliated opening an empty box in front of my kids and people looking so I said you need to get down on one knee and do it properly.. so he did get on one knee and put the ring on my finger but now I'm feeling doubtful.

All the old memories and fears are coming back of dealing with empty promises over the years, ongoing humiliation and feeling not worth the effort.. I promised myself I would never beg someone to love me ever again, or to want to spend time/effort etc.. I have a lot to give, great job, nice car and house so it's a big step forward and I have so many hopes and dreams and I want to made to feel special and appreciated.. but now I just feel let down because it was so ad-hoc and wondering if I'm signing back up to be taken for granted/used all over again?

OP, I think you need to just give yourself some time. So you’re engaged. That’s fine. You don’t have to get married next week! Some people are engaged for years.

Don’t give the ring back - as you say there are some things that can’t be undone. Just have a long engagement. Time will tell if you settle into it or not. If he’s understanding, as you say he is, he’ll understand that you need to take things slowly.

You both have DC who are presumably excited / surprised? What about the impact on them if you give the ring back?

Yes, the proposal was a bit awkward for you. I get that you felt pressured and put in the spot. However, at least he’s clear about what he wants, that says a lot. There are many women whose DHs never bothered to propose to them at all (you only have to read MN for countless examples)!

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Being engaged is not a legal contract. Take your time and see how you go. Nothing is set in stone. This relationship is NOT the same as your previous one. Don’t sabotage what could potentially be a good thing.

I'm not surprised you feel conflicted. This is way too soon. Especially after your last marriage. You are not recovered yet. Not quite at full strength. Give the ring back. Tell him it is too soon. Your ability to do this and his reaction will be an important milestone for you both, potentially making you both stronger.

To be honest if I was going to get married again it would have to be with someone who was my financial equal.

You don’t have to marry him or be engaged to him or move in with him or do anything at all just because he wants it. You have a choice in this and what you want is just as important as what he wants. I think your experience of an abusive relationship has made you so used to going along with what your partner wants you no longer realise you have control of your own life.

The details of the proposal are unimportant here. If you deeply loved him and wanted to make a lifetime commitment to him right now you wouldn’t care how he proposed, you would just be happy that he had done it and you would have said a heartfelt yes without a second thought. Your criticism and hesitancy seems to show you know this isn’t right for you at the moment.

Engagement isn’t a legal contract. It doesn’t commit you to anything. If you like him and want to stay with him tell him you want a long engagement and want to live separately for the foreseeable future. Then see how it goes. There is absolutely no need to rush into anything you are uncertain about. You are the boss of you now!

Hi OP. Please think carefully..
I hate to be the boring voice of financial reason but you sound like you have assets and he has not much. If you get married and it doesn’t work out he willbe entitled to half of everything.. no matter how badly he behaves. I speak from recent experience and consider my self lucky to be free. It could cost you your children’s home. Is he worth the risk?

A long time ago I was proposed to, I was expecting it, we'd been together four years - since teens and it was the natural next step. I said yes. As soon as the words left my mouth I had doubts.

Six months later I postponed the wedding, a further 6 months I broke it off completely.

I consider it once of the best decisions of my life. It was one of the hardest, but definitely one of the best, for both of us.

If you are doubting already, it's not the right thing for you right now.

I won't repeat all the sensible advice from PPs, but I agree with them.

Just wanted to add - please do the freedom programme if you haven't done it yet.

Another boring voice of financial reason here.

I think it depends what your doubts are. Certainly don’t start planning the wedding. Certainly talk about why you feel doubts.
If you think it’s just too much, too soon but you might want to marry this man eventually I would hold on to the ring and suggest a long engagement. Men sometimes behave differently when there is a ring on a finger and it’s an opportunity to see whether you really do want to commit fully.
If however, in your heart you know you don’t want to marry him. You don’t love him, you don’t want to marry at all then you need to do the honourable thing and hand the ring back. That might well be terminal for your relationship though.

Op you have a way to go before you're ready to marry anyone. That's completely ok. You've clearly come through a lot. The fact that you don't even want people coming to your house actually suggests you would benefit from being single for a while and putting all your effort into getting yourself feeling stronger and safer before you date properly.

Breaking off an engagement is hard but it's so much harder to marry the wrong person or marry too soon. To marry someone after one year of dating when your marriage was abusive is, in all honesty, very unfair on your children too and puts them at risk. One year is nothing. You can't really know this man.

Have you done The Freedom Programme? Have you had any therapy?

Yes I think I need a serious chat with him today.. 😬

I agree he's not the one. He's a rebound. Your op doesn't mention love or how you feel about him at all. I also agree, you don't sound ready.

I don’t sense love, confidence and happiness coming through your post when you write about him or the relationship. I sense mutedness, frozenness and distance.

That could well be because of the proposal, but I’d have a think about it. It could be you’re focusing on damage avoidance rather than positive pull together?

I think it's absolutely understandable that after a traumatic relationship you'd be looking for dependable, kind and safe. They are all lovely qualities and there's nothing wrong with that but you need some spark too.

Gendercritter yes I've done the freedom programme, I do love him and he is very much a decent guy.. Im just damaged and feel so guilty writing all this because I don't want to hurt him and I know I am a big part of the problem.. yes WellThisIsShit I am sad from the proposal and my defenses are up for damage limitation.. in the past when I've talked about him everyone says my face lights up and i seem so happy and settled now. I'm probably over thinking a lot of it but need to be sure before I agree to anything..

So many things in your posts point to this being a mistake for you.

You don't feel comfortable having him in your home because you are still adjusting to being independent and finding your feet. You have known him only over a year.

His proposal was with his own family and I would be so wary of this. If I had my time again I would want my relationship to be independent of either family and have taken it's time to flourish as just a couple. Also, the proposal didn't seem to involve or take your kids in to account. How will they feature in a new marriage? And what would his relationship be with your children and would you want him to /he want to have any responsibilities towards them?

And as someone has said, you have your own home and are financially independent. It would take some almighty catch to be able to tempt me away from it. You have worked hard to move on from your last relationship, don't be hasty to give it up.

Lastly, if you don't share your thoughts and feelings with him, you are starting out on completely the wrong foot together. And setting yourself up for a bad marriage.

Take some time in the coming days and speak to him calmly when you know exactly what you want.

Thanks Poglets, you're right, pretty much sums up what everyone says and how I'm feeling. Never a good time for these convos but am thinking sooner the better and hopefully I won't be too emotional.