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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Throw Them Out, Don't think IABU, but need to prepare for the fallout .

37 replies

usefulChianti · 26/12/2018 23:04

My first thread, been reading for years, but felt too fragile at times, so never posted here before.

Short background to this situation: I have lung problems, granulomas, sarcoidosis, at times breathing issues. Because of this I got rid of most chemical cleaning products, perfumes, etc.

Husband loves his microwave popcorn, and I have banned it when the windows in the house are closed (cold weather times). Chemicals in the microwave popcorn cause serious breathing issues. Google if you want to verify.

A new (for past few months) problem are his frozen breakfast potatoes. Hash browns, tater tots, etc. They are covered in fatty stuff and the fumes from these chemicals (?) are making my lungs seize. The odors don't stay in the kitchen, there is no place to escape. This morning I opened the kitchen window in the freezing cold temps.

About a week ago I bought him some hash browns which are not coated with whatever the factory puts on them, but he wouldn't eat them, they are not greasy enough for him. I ate them myself by adding the fat/oil/butter whatever at that time.

So, since I know that he won't consider my health in this and other issues, I threw out the bag of the worst potatoes and he won't realize until tomorrow morning that they are gone.

I know this was a rash move, but I have asked him several times to consider my difficulty and he doesn't give a crap. Well, that's all he gives. This is not a one-off response from him.

What I am asking for are some words to say when he starts yelling. His potatoes are more important, well, everything is more important than my request. He could have eaten the other potatoes, just too much work, I think.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Babooshkar · 26/12/2018 23:08

What’s in this relationship for you?

ChristmassyContessaConSparkles · 26/12/2018 23:08

He sounds like he doesn't care about you very much, OP. I'm sorry Sad does it feel like that to you?

agnurse · 26/12/2018 23:10

I'd be advising him that he can put a microwave in the garage or shed, if you have one, and he can cook his food out there.

SittingAround1 · 26/12/2018 23:13

The words to say are written in your post:

'I have asked you several times to consider my difficulty and you don't give a crap'.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/12/2018 23:14

@usefulChianti - the line I would use is this - “hash browns and microwave popcorn are not necessities for you. Oxygen IS a necessity for me. I cannot understand why you can’t grasp this simple fact.”

arranbubonicplague · 26/12/2018 23:14

Whatever those foods cost, the costs to your health and your relationship are substantial.

It doesn't sound like you're in the UK but if you are, have you taken a look at the Freedom Programme (also available in other countries)?

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

ILoveChristmasLights · 26/12/2018 23:22

Any bloke who prioritised microwave popcorn and tater tots over my ability to breathe would be gone. I’m not sure why you’re looking for words to say when he starts yelling?!

He doesn’t love you, why stay together?

Neverender · 26/12/2018 23:24

He can buy popcorn ready pooped or do one and go to McDonalds for hash browns. Tell him to sod off!

Singlenotsingle · 26/12/2018 23:25

What are tater tots?
And have you got room in your house to put in a second kitchen? Or a utility room where he can cook his tater thingies?

agnurse · 26/12/2018 23:30

Tater tots are a type of very small hashbrown common in North America. They're usually bite-sized and in a cylindrical shape.

To Throw Them Out, Don't think IABU, but need to prepare for the fallout .
LoudJazzHands · 26/12/2018 23:31

"He can buy popcorn ready pooped"

I don't think that's how it works...

I think my response would be "Your shitty, unnecessary food or me. Take your pick"

Original poster
usefulChianti · 26/12/2018 23:37

Thanks for the replies. I don't know how to copy here to respond to each poster.

But to answer: He doesn't care. Hasn't for many years. I am in the US. I've lost a lot of my fight, because fighting is against my nature and I'm tired.

I don't want this thread to be about my wasted years. That's what I meant in my opening in that I felt fragile.

The responses re the microwave and oxygen are good. I will give him the oxygen line tomorrow when he starts up.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Wed 26-Dec-18 23:14:19
@usefulChianti - the line I would use is this - “hash browns and microwave popcorn are not necessities for you. Oxygen IS a necessity for me. I cannot understand why you can’t grasp this simple fact.”

SittingAround1 Wed 26-Dec-18 23:13:29
The words to say are written in your post:

'I have asked you several times to consider my difficulty and you don't give a crap'.

Broken record, that's me, told him multiple times, in one ear and out the other. I couldn't continue to eat the stinking potatoes if I was doing this to his lungs.

Thanks, I appreciate the help.

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 26/12/2018 23:38

Why are you with this vile knob OP? He clearly doesn't give a toss about you.

You can do much better than him. You deserve better too.

Touchmybum · 26/12/2018 23:38

Can you not reach some kind of compromise?

WisdomOfCrowds · 26/12/2018 23:41

I wouldn't even grace him with an ultimatum. What kind of person needs to be asked to not repeatedly jeopardise their partners ability to breathe? And over fucking hash browns? I mean, who actually needs an ultimatum to do that?! Just leave him OP. Seriously, just leave the bastard.

WisdomOfCrowds · 26/12/2018 23:45

A compromise? Like what, the OP just has access to oxygen for some of the day? Give over! It's frozen breakfast bollocks. Tell him to eat a bowl of cereal and as a compromise you will consider not leaving him then do it anyway

Iflyaway · 26/12/2018 23:48

His potatoes are more important,

As MN would say, You have a husband problem.

Original poster
usefulChianti · 26/12/2018 23:50

Only one kitchen and no room for another, not unless I win the lottery and renovate the basement.

No, upon winning the lottery- I AM OUTTA HERE!

I did try and compromise, showing him how to heat them quicker and reduce the fumes. But, he does not like being ushered, ever so nicely into a better way. If you understand me. He knows better.

OP posts:
Original poster
usefulChianti · 26/12/2018 23:52

Eating these potatoes is a new thing in the last couple of years. Before them, it was always some kind of cereal, toast, pancakes, etc.

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 26/12/2018 23:53

you need to leave this man. what is stopping you?

Andro · 26/12/2018 23:54

Can you not reach some kind of compromise?

Where is the compromise?

Option 1 - OP can breathe (no tater tots etc)
Option 2 - OP can't breathe (Tater tots etc cooks as wanted)

The food item, much beloved by my dh and dc, that can stop me breathing is banned from the house. My dh and dc would rather I'm alive and safe than in hospital or dead. In a healthy relationship, this would be a no-brainer.

Skittlesandbeer · 27/12/2018 00:01

I was talking to a (very forthright) friend and mentioned your dilemma.

She said she’d have no qualms at all replacing his food with a far older, refrozen packet. Perhaps once he’s 2 days into violent D&V, a conversation about your health concerns would get more traction??

Now I’m not advocating the poisoning of husbands, but I did think I’d happily use any naturally-occurring health issue he has to make your point.

Frankly I’d be dragging him in front of a counsellor, let him see the shock on someone else’s face at hearing his actions. And counselling might just give you the strength to make a new life without him. I mean, I’ve been known to hold pretty low expectations in my marriage, but ‘don’t actively try to kill me’ would be a boundary!

OyOy · 27/12/2018 00:02

Eating these potatoes is a new thing in the last couple of years. Before them, it was always some kind of cereal, toast, pancakes, etc.

I'm so so sorry OP.

I think he is doing this on purpose. He's doing it because it causes harm to you.

It's domestic violence - physical, emotional and mental abuse.

Are there DV resources near you?

Wishing you strength.

Original poster
usefulChianti · 27/12/2018 00:08

Skittles that made me grin. I won't be doing that, but the image, lol.

Many of you see the problem is bigger than the potatoes. I agree.

Thank you, you've given me a boost.

I am signing off for now.
I will be back tomorrow to let you know what happens when the chips don't hit the pan. Bad pun.

OP posts:
OyOy · 27/12/2018 00:09

What I am asking for are some words to say when he starts yelling. His potatoes are more important, well, everything is more important than my request.

I worry that it may escalate into more traditional forms of violence.

I think those Freedom programme online resources give you advice on how to deal with these situations.

From my limited knowledge you need to keep yourself safe and there are different ways to do that.

Please try to have a look at the links from a PP.