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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop going

32 replies

DooBDoo · 26/12/2018 21:26

I have one blood relative, (DM) who is quite toxic and she fell out with every other member of the family by the time I was a teenager. I've tried mending bridges but that side of the family want nothing to do with me.

My DH has a very small family, just a mum and a sister. They're not close & contact is frosty at best.

My DM re-married so I have a step dad. His family is large and lovely.

Christmas was spent just DH & I. Today, like every boxing day for years, we visit my step dad's family. They're warm, kind and always happy to see us.

But....I'm not a blood relative, and always feel like an outsider. DH & I aren't included in the cards/present giving (though I buy for them, as I have no one else to buy for.) Now I totally understand they've got each other to buy for so they have to draw the line somewhere!

There's a wall of photos with everyone's weddings at the step-family member's house and it made me sad my wedding two years ago didn't make the wall.

It just makes me feel sorry for myself to not really have a family.

AIBU to stop going on Boxing Day because I wouldn't be missed anyway and I always come home feeling more alone?

OP posts:
Keepingthingsinteresting · 26/12/2018 22:51

Didn’t want to read & run. If you think you will feel better not going, then do that. It may be sad to lose out on what seems to be a valued family connection, but if it just makes you feel worse then you may need to accept that.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 26/12/2018 22:58

If you are invited every year then they obviously like you and enjoy hosting you

IMO you would be cutting off your nose to spite your face by stopping going

Surely it is nice to be part of this family, even if only on the periphery than to sever all ties and have no family at all?

arranbubonicplague · 26/12/2018 23:04

They're warm, kind and always happy to see us.

AIBU to stop going on Boxing Day because I wouldn't be missed anyway and I always come home feeling more alone?

YANBU to stop attending if the feeling when you return home more than offsets the pleasure you get from being around a family and their warmth and conviviality.

As for the wall of photographs: my PILs have photographs everywhere of their golden child and not a single one of DH, far less any of us (his family). It's just one of those things. To this day, people who've known them for some time are startled to learn that golden child has a sibling as they've literally never heard him mentioned.

Sometimes, being a blood relative doesn't mean that much.

If the step-family welcome you with loving and open hearts then that seems like a good gathering to attend. Would they understand if you told them why you no longer wished to spend any time with them?

SezziBaybee · 26/12/2018 23:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

Original poster
DooBDoo · 27/12/2018 07:38

Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate the response.

Maybe because it's so painfully obvious that it means much more to me than it does to them, and because of my turbulent family history I'm over sensitive.

I just....feel like an intruder on their family day.

OP posts:
Chloe84 · 27/12/2018 08:21

So you get them all presents every year? I would just buy the hosts one gift (Chocs etc).

Cherries101 · 27/12/2018 08:34

Honestly I think it’s a bit mean that despite inviting you every year and accepting presents from you, they never return the favour. I agree OP that they don’t view you as family — if I were you I’d start trying to make new family traditions with your DP. Be kind to yourself.

Original poster
DooBDoo · 27/12/2018 08:34

Yes, only small-ish gifts (wine, scarf, DVD) and I bake a cake to take over.

I did get a card from one of them.

OP posts:
Funkyslippers · 27/12/2018 08:49

Do you not visit them any other time of the year? If so, how do you feel after those visits?

Returnofthesmileybar · 27/12/2018 08:54

What age were you when your mother married your step father? I think that's important, if you were a child and you lived even part-time with the kids then yanbu but if you were all adults and never lived together then yabu

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 27/12/2018 09:02

Wait hang on. You get them gifts every year and ONE of them has given you a card?! How hard is it to pick up a bottle of something/flowers/fancy chocs? It’s a massive kick in the teeth. I disagree - they don’t sound lovely at all. No wonder you feel like an intruder.

I think you have to do what’s best for you. It makes you sad and lonely to go. Don’t go. Concentrate on being happy with dh Flowers

Original poster
DooBDoo · 27/12/2018 09:12

They married when I was a young teenager, I'm mid 30s now. I've been going every Boxing day for years, minus a couple when I was working.

I see them at their family events, like weddings and Christenings. Maybe three times year at most, so not often. They all live 1 hour away. I go to anything I'm invited to, basically.

They are nice people, I think because I'm not a blood relative and their family is big, me & DH just don't get thought about.

They're so lucky to have each other, I don't begrudge that. I just feel sad not to be included in the family presents or be on the family photo wall. Puts me in my place, on the outside looking in.

I feel shit about it today.

OP posts:
Chloe84 · 27/12/2018 10:30

What's your step-dad like? I would have thought he would have ensured you were included in the gift giving.

Has your DM fallen out with these in laws?

Original poster
DooBDoo · 27/12/2018 10:57

Step dad is a nice, placid guy but definitely not the assertive type, he wouldn't notice or want to say anything.

DM hates seeing them, but she's a toxic narccisist she hates everything outside her bubble. (last year she didn't come because she had fallen out with Step-dad's mum. My DM was being utterly ridiculous.)

Maybe they think I'm like her? That would be my worst nightmare.

OP posts:
Chloe84 · 27/12/2018 11:09

It's possible that they keep you at arm's length because of your DM, but the fact that they invite you to family events 3 x per year shows that they know you're not like your DM, so it doesn't excuse them happily accepting your presents but not even giving you a small gift in return.

I really would just take the host a gift next time and stop the individual gifts. It doesn't solve the problem but it may make it feel less unequal.

IAmRubbishAtDIY · 27/12/2018 11:22

When you say the step dad's family, who are they exactly? His siblings and their children? His children from a previous relationship? How many of them?

Soconfusedbylife · 27/12/2018 11:25

They wouldn’t invite you if they didn’t want you there. The photos are hard, my DB and SIL have loads of photos of SILs extended family but not one photo of any of my DBs side. It stings but we keep going.

Drum2018 · 27/12/2018 11:29

I don't see why you'd want to spend any time with your mother at all. Does your step dads family know how you feel about her or do they think you have a great relationship with her? I'd say they see her for who she is and probably want to keep you both at arms length. I wouldn't put myself through the visits on Boxing Day or any other occasion where you feel left out. Don't put on a show for your mother's sake - let everyone know that you realise she is toxic - they may have more respect for you if they see you as a separate entity, so to speak.

Original poster
DooBDoo · 27/12/2018 11:35

Thanks Chloe, I hadn't thought about that but you could be right.

God, I really don't like my DM. I've lost every aunt, uncle and grandparent due to her going NC with them over stupid stuff, and now she's probably the reason the step family hold me at arm's length.

Oh well. I'm an adult and I know I need to strap up. I have a lovely DH and we're trying for a baby, so I hope I can start my own happy family unit soon. I'll focus on that. I'll keep going on Boxing day but will just buy for the host.

IamRubbish, step dad has 2 siblings, with 5 grown up children between them, those adults have 3 v young children. Step dad's mum hosts.

My step dad's father had a soft spot for me when he was alive, he was lovely. In his will he left some money (£500) to each of his grandchildren and I was included. I tried to give the money back to step dad's mum as I felt undeserving but she said I was his grandchild too and it's what he wanted.

So I thought I was considered family but being excluded from gifts and no photos of me/wedding at the house hurts - like I'm not really.

I'd rather her want just one of my wedding photos up than have thousands of pounds, you know?

OP posts:
Original poster
DooBDoo · 27/12/2018 11:40

@Drum2018 oooh I'd love to never speak to her again. But because that would make me like her, I won't do it.

We're low contact and I have strict boundaries after years of practice. I'm also in trauma therapy because of the shitty mother job she did.

Yeah. I'm being over sensitive because of my history aren't I?

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 27/12/2018 11:46

It really wouldn't make you anything like her if you went NC. It would preserve your sanity and probably in time make for an easier life. But then I suppose you might lose contact with step dads family so you'd have to weigh up the pros and cons of that. It's a shame she has practically banished you from your aunts etc.

Original poster
DooBDoo · 27/12/2018 12:07

Well, she fell out with two of her sisters who sadly have died now. And fell out with her mum so I had no contact with her or my grandfather and they sadly died.

My aunt's daughters know my mum was batshit crazy so want nothing to do with me. Fair enough. The rest of any family I'm related to live in Oz. Father's side I'm completely estranged from, haven't seen DF for 18 years. There's no one.

Yeah, if I did go NC with DM then it'd make contact with step family almost impossible, and it'd look like I was the bad guy. But because I'm super sensitive to all of it, it's hurtful when I'm with the nice normal step family but I'm still very much on the outside anyway. No-win, sort of thing.

I crave family. Crave that feeling of being wanted.

Tell me this level of shitness in families is unusual?!

OP posts:
CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/12/2018 12:14

I wonder if the issue here is that they see you as a welcome relative, someone they like and who's company they enjoy but to them it's more like the relationship one might have with a cousin, whereas you have a strong desire for something more, to be seen as and treated as a sibling?

I think if you weren't raised together then that closeness just isn't there as it didn't evolve in childhood. It's not something that can be forced, not that I think you're forcing it but in your own head you're putting an expectation on this relationship because you're so aware of what's lacking in your life. Reality doesn't live up to that so you understandably feel deflated.

I think you need to try to adjust how you view this so that your interactions with them don't leave you feeling flat just because it's not quite what you wish it was. They're not really doing anything wrong. You say they're nice and you like them so I think just enjoy it for what it is rather than focusing on what it's not.

You said you hope to start your own family and actually you may well find that you get closer to the step family when you have your own dc as that can tend to open the door to more interaction eg the dc attending each other's parties, play dates, hosting a christening/naming ceremony (if that's what you're into) and so on. So greater closeness could develop over time but even if it doesn't I don't think you'll feel better for cutting contact.

Choosegopse · 27/12/2018 12:22

No, this level of shit is not normal. Not unusual but not normal. I think you need to accept that your family is difficult and focus on creating a new one for yourself. If you want a lovely family Christmas then make one.

How about also focus on being loved and part of other groups? Families are not the only people who love you.

LunaTheCat · 27/12/2018 12:26

It is hard when you lack extended family. It is especially hard this time of year when expectations and emotions run high. I am in a similar situation. There is a saying that you can choose your friends but not your family. Theses people obviously like you and they invite you every year. They are family by association rather than blood - but that is fine. I think you need to take them for what they are and what they offer without expectation - hard I know. Some people are not huge present givers but show their love in other ways.
Don’t let your sadness about your immediate family affect other relationships. Create your own family of those friends, neighbours, co-workers who care for you. Look to expand your circle and don’tshut It down.
Maybe consider some counselling or talking more about your own family of origin. Be proud about who you are and what you have become despite a very rocky start.
Take care and sending you love. 💐