To stop going

[DooBDoo]

I have one blood relative, (DM) who is quite toxic and she fell out with every other member of the family by the time I was a teenager. I've tried mending bridges but that side of the family want nothing to do with me.

My DH has a very small family, just a mum and a sister. They're not close & contact is frosty at best.

My DM re-married so I have a step dad. His family is large and lovely.

Christmas was spent just DH & I. Today, like every boxing day for years, we visit my step dad's family. They're warm, kind and always happy to see us.

But....I'm not a blood relative, and always feel like an outsider. DH & I aren't included in the cards/present giving (though I buy for them, as I have no one else to buy for.) Now I totally understand they've got each other to buy for so they have to draw the line somewhere!

There's a wall of photos with everyone's weddings at the step-family member's house and it made me sad my wedding two years ago didn't make the wall.

It just makes me feel sorry for myself to not really have a family.

AIBU to stop going on Boxing Day because I wouldn't be missed anyway and I always come home feeling more alone?

They don't buy you a gift but welcome you into their house and I assume, feed you and provide hospitality, that can be seen to be their 'gift'.
With regards to the photos, I don't think this is anything personal.
My mum only has pictures of her dgc , herself and me on display downstairs.
The vast majority are of her dgc and that is perfectly fine.
She has other relatives but no photographs of them on display.
Your step father's family have to draw the line somewhere.
Take the positives, they obviously like you or they wouldn't invite you.
Look at you giving them a gift as an exchange for the hospitality they provide.

@CantSleepClownsWillEatMe thank you so much for your post - I suspect you're right. Completely. My expectations are unrealistic, I'm very much a welcome 'cousin' but you're right, without being brought up together I'm not going to be part of their tight unit. And there are lots of positives spending time with them, especially now there are gorgeous babies and toddlers about!

I remember when I was around 8 years old, (toxic DM was still with narcissistic DF then) and I began searching for my adoption papers in my parents paperwork. I was sure these people couldn't possibly be my parents and there was some mistake and my real family must want me back.

I think that feeling has never gone away.

@LunaTheCat you're right - I think I need to start expanding my social circle. I have DH and two close friends but they live abroad now so my life is very quiet, no social events really.

I don't know where to begin but I'll try. Is it possible to make new friends when you're in your 30s? Would others think I'm weird?

Is it possible to make new friends when you're in your 30s? Would others think I'm weird?

No people won't think you're weird at all loads of people in their 30s don't have a massive gang of friends and indeed there are plenty who don't have any and wish they did, regular threads about that on MN.

If you want to build a circle of friends then of course you can but I would only (gently) caution that you try not to put similar expectations on friendships as you maybe have on the step relationship so you don't end up feeling disappointed. As I'm sure you know, friendships take time to evolve too and the 'I could tell them anything/phone them at 2am/they'd help me hide a body' kind of friends are few and far between!

Accept invitations, attend work dos, take an interest in other people, suggest outings, invite people over, join clubs or classes that you're interested in. Be aware that sometimes people will decline invitations and some friendships don't go beyond work friend/study buddy/quick drink on Thursday after sport. That won't be any reflection on you it's just how things are.

Thank you, I'll take all that on board.

And you're right, I need to not project all these missing pieces/expectations as I try to make some new connections.

So...I can't turn up to a new art class or something with expensive gifts for all the strangers - "Please like me. Please be my BFF?" Not cool, huh?

I'll be mindful to keep expectations within the normal realm!

I've turned things down in the past because of anxiety over actually being wanted. But I'm fed up of feeling sorry for myself and if I'm lucky enough to have kids, I want them to be surrounded by loved ones.

Sigh. 2019, new year, new start. I'll put my big girl pants on. Thanks again

Sounds like a plan, good luck!

Some very good advice in here for you.

If you like your step family, perhaps try to meet up with some of them at other times? Are there any of them that are similar age to you, that you could try to get together with? Keeping it to a younger age group, you could leave your mum out of it. So something like a theatre trip?