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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel confused about no contact with GP’s

37 replies

Imustbemad00 · 26/12/2018 21:25

So there’s a bit of a long backstory. I don’t want to give too much detail but some is needed for clarification.

I split from my ex when son was a baby. Ex was abusive. His parents only met the baby once or twice as a newborn as my ex manipulated both them and me to make sure we hated each other. It worked. I despised them and wanted them nowhere near and they also despised me and wouldn’t have anything to do with my son if it meant communicating with me.

Obviously as my son was a baby I wouldn’t let his abusive Dad take him round there so it made contact difficult.

Years went past, my hate grew as their stubbornness was obviously more important to them than seeing their grandchild. Although I think they always bought him Xmas and birthday presents he often never got them as they wouldn’t bring them round and his dad didn’t bother half the time.

I can’t express enough how much the my ex manipulated all of us. He wanted it this way. Dont ask me why.

Anyway, my son is six. Doesn’t have much to do with his dad, not regular contact. About 9 months ago I made the decision to try and repair the relationship for my sons sake. I took him to their house one day, as I knew they wouldn’t see me on my own. They let him in, I picked him up in an hour and there was little contact between us. My son seemed happy.

This has happened maybe 5 or 6 times now. Always instigated by me dropping him off. We are now civil too each other on the doorstep. My ex was sometimes aware I was going to drop him off and was there once or twice.

One time my ex told me to drop my son off, when I arrived, ex wasn’t there, parents were on their way out and knew nothing about it, son was really upset. So I gave them my number (they weren’t comfortable giving me theirs) and said please call or text me so we can sort something out and avoid the upset.

I haven’t heard from them since. Ove r2 months. I’ve messaged them both on Facebook. They both then blocked me. Ex phoned and told me to leave his parents alone. I messaged his sister (who I’ve never spoke to but lives with them) she said she wasn’t sure what had happened but they love seeing my
Son and she’d find out and let me know. She never did. I’ve messaged her since, no reply.

Ex phoned last week and said can I bring my son to his parents on a specific date. I said no. I don’t want contact with the grandparents to go through my ex. He is a liar. He lets my son down. He causes trouble, shit stirs and manipulates.

Now whichever way I look at it, it seems grandparents don’t want any further contact. But it jist seems so strange. They seemed happy to see him, after so many years. I guess I shouldnt be surprised as they didn’t seem bothered for the first 5 years but a part of me can’t help thinking my ex has something to do with this and is somehow pulling the strings. But why? And how? And more so, what the hell do I do??

My son is asking to see them. I’m scared if we just turn up they’ll turn him away.

Ex is evil. Probably jealous about parents contact and annoyed he wasn’t in control. Done it to spite me somehow.

Well done if you read this far. Apologies.

OP posts:
Caselgarcia · 26/12/2018 21:31

Could you write a letter to them explaining that DS would like to see them and if they want to see him could they contact you directly.

CandyCreeper · 26/12/2018 21:31

Not sure why
you keep chasing? They have made their feelings clear.

Imustbemad00 · 26/12/2018 21:33

@CandyCreeper Because my son loved his time there and keeps asking to see his nanny, and cousins? Clearly not ‘chasing them’ for my own benefit.

It was all going fine, and then suddenly nothing. It’s really odd.

OP posts:
Subtlecheese · 26/12/2018 21:34

How awful for your son.Sad the ex has obviously threatened or fabricated something. How horrid. Maybe send a fb to the aunt to double check the plans? (As he has a history of twisting plans to his advantage)
Othereise
I would send birthday and Christmas cards, with your contact details saying your son would love a chat/ Skype.

Imustbemad00 · 26/12/2018 21:35

I basically did that on FB and put my mobile number. They blocked me.
I feel so hurt for my son. I wish I’d never brought him round there. He was fine not knowing them. Now he will be heartbroken if he stops seeing them. It’s too much, with his dad keep letting him down too. It’s so upsetting.

OP posts:
CandyCreeper · 26/12/2018 21:36

Im not saying you are but youve sent them several messages and theyve ignored you. Time to leave it now.

CandyCreeper · 26/12/2018 21:37

Infact they not ignored theyve blocked you. Surely its better for your child not to see people that dont want to see him?

Absofrigginlootly · 26/12/2018 21:37

Why do you want your child to have unsupervised contact with these highly dysfunctional people/family?! Confused Don’t forget these people produced your ex...! They don’t seem bothered about contact or they would have instigated it themselves.... I just don’t understand why you think this is in any way in your sons best interests?

Imustbemad00 · 26/12/2018 21:37

@Subtlecheese they sister also hates me and is close to my brother. I was quite shocked when I got a friendly reply back. Then suddenly nothing. Makes me think something changed once she told her brother I’d been in contact.

OP posts:
WomanWithAltitude · 26/12/2018 21:38

Write a letter. And print the address on the envelope so your ex can't tell it's from you from the handwriting (and therefore won't intercept it).

Keep it simple. Explain that you'd like your son to have a relationship with his GPs. Then leave it with them.

Imustbemad00 · 26/12/2018 21:39

They have other grandchildren my son has cousins. I just wanted him to be part of that family. I have a no brother or sister ect very small family.
I felt like it was all my exes doing and my son deserved a chance to get to know them.
But yes, it is very dysfunctional. I should of known better and I hate myself for it. I thought I was doing the mature sensible thing.

OP posts:
Imustbemad00 · 26/12/2018 21:41

It was never going to be a massive part of his life. Just a quick visit once a month or so just to maintain contact and benefit my son. He knew they existed.

OP posts:
CandyCreeper · 26/12/2018 21:42

I dont think its all your exes doing. They are obviously not nice people as they would want to see your son regardless of you. Tbh if I was you I would be more worried about how they would treat my son knowing they dislike you so much.

Imustbemad00 · 26/12/2018 21:43

What on Earth do I tell him?

OP posts:
coconutpie · 26/12/2018 21:44

Why on earth would you want to subject your innocent 6 year old to such a horrible family? Because they are blood relations? That's all they are. Your child deserves better than this and doesn't need such horrible people in their life. Just focus on you and your son and building his friendships in school.

Imustbemad00 · 26/12/2018 21:45

@CandyCreeper I agree. Which was my issue all along. Yes he manipulated and shit stirred in ways you can’t imagine. But they are adults with their own minds. If I could rise above it, put myself and my son out there many times and make contact. Why couldn’t they...? Because they were never that bothered. A part of me always knew that. But they seemed so happy to see him (from what he tell me, botnfrom what I’ve seen, because I littlerally just drop him on the doorstep and exchange a few words)

OP posts:
BottleOfJameson · 26/12/2018 21:46

Did you literally just turn up on their doorstep and drop DS off without prior arrangement in the past? In that case it's not surprising they were sometimes not in. As sad as it is they've made it clear they don't want anything to do with DS :(. I'd protect DS from the upset and not try to push it. It is sad he doesn't have family on his dad's side who care, but better no one than someone who will pick him up and drop him without him understanding why.

CandyCreeper · 26/12/2018 21:47

The truth? my ex is absent so I do get it but I tell my children the truth. No point
lying.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 26/12/2018 21:47

I think it might be time to speak honestly to your son and say that they don't seem to want to/be able to see him at the moment and you don't know why. You can do it quite gently and make it clear that it isn't his fault, but getting his hopes up isn't going to help him. With my parents who blow hot and cold with my kids I just say "I don't know why they don't want to see you, because you're fabulous and they are the ones missing out".
It's totally natural to want to make it all better, but really you are just giving them and your ex a stick to beat you with. The only other thing I can think of is writing to them to suggest a contact centre, with arrangements made through a third party (friend, family member, vicar, whoever really). Since the issue seems to be having to contact you, that might work.

Imustbemad00 · 26/12/2018 21:48

@coconutpie I thought i was doing the right thing. My son wanted to see them and with my ex (mostly) out of the picture I thought things might be different. Maybe I wasn’t right, but the point is, it’s done now and I don’t know what to do to make it better for my son.

OP posts:
Imustbemad00 · 26/12/2018 21:48

@CandyCreeper. You have no idea what that would do to my child.

OP posts:
Imustbemad00 · 26/12/2018 21:51

@BottleOfJameson pretty much yes as they didn’t want to give me their phone number because of stuff in the past. But each time I went they would happily say, bring him back round next week or whenever. I tried not to make it to regular though, jist in case it all went wrong..

OP posts:
Imustbemad00 · 26/12/2018 21:51

It had got to a point where we were civil with each other

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 26/12/2018 21:52

No offence ment here OP but I wouldn't want my child around people that hated me and actively avoided having contact with him. I'm surprised you just turned up on the doorstep with your ds and handed him over to people he doesnt even know at 6 years old!
Honestly I would just give up.

Subtlecheese · 26/12/2018 21:54

Well. You have to consider that abusive people don't magically appear. The gp's are quite probably very flawed / have normalised a dysfunctionAl dynamic.
Just leave it. The ex can be told you'll look forward to an invite from them. Then leave it in the long grass for them to put the effort in.
As for your son, tricky age appropriate might be to explain angry people sometimes push the wrong people away. But I don't know, I imagine the relationships board might yield some suggestions