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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel confused about no contact with GP’s

37 replies

Imustbemad00 · 26/12/2018 21:25

So there’s a bit of a long backstory. I don’t want to give too much detail but some is needed for clarification.

I split from my ex when son was a baby. Ex was abusive. His parents only met the baby once or twice as a newborn as my ex manipulated both them and me to make sure we hated each other. It worked. I despised them and wanted them nowhere near and they also despised me and wouldn’t have anything to do with my son if it meant communicating with me.

Obviously as my son was a baby I wouldn’t let his abusive Dad take him round there so it made contact difficult.

Years went past, my hate grew as their stubbornness was obviously more important to them than seeing their grandchild. Although I think they always bought him Xmas and birthday presents he often never got them as they wouldn’t bring them round and his dad didn’t bother half the time.

I can’t express enough how much the my ex manipulated all of us. He wanted it this way. Dont ask me why.

Anyway, my son is six. Doesn’t have much to do with his dad, not regular contact. About 9 months ago I made the decision to try and repair the relationship for my sons sake. I took him to their house one day, as I knew they wouldn’t see me on my own. They let him in, I picked him up in an hour and there was little contact between us. My son seemed happy.

This has happened maybe 5 or 6 times now. Always instigated by me dropping him off. We are now civil too each other on the doorstep. My ex was sometimes aware I was going to drop him off and was there once or twice.

One time my ex told me to drop my son off, when I arrived, ex wasn’t there, parents were on their way out and knew nothing about it, son was really upset. So I gave them my number (they weren’t comfortable giving me theirs) and said please call or text me so we can sort something out and avoid the upset.

I haven’t heard from them since. Ove r2 months. I’ve messaged them both on Facebook. They both then blocked me. Ex phoned and told me to leave his parents alone. I messaged his sister (who I’ve never spoke to but lives with them) she said she wasn’t sure what had happened but they love seeing my
Son and she’d find out and let me know. She never did. I’ve messaged her since, no reply.

Ex phoned last week and said can I bring my son to his parents on a specific date. I said no. I don’t want contact with the grandparents to go through my ex. He is a liar. He lets my son down. He causes trouble, shit stirs and manipulates.

Now whichever way I look at it, it seems grandparents don’t want any further contact. But it jist seems so strange. They seemed happy to see him, after so many years. I guess I shouldnt be surprised as they didn’t seem bothered for the first 5 years but a part of me can’t help thinking my ex has something to do with this and is somehow pulling the strings. But why? And how? And more so, what the hell do I do??

My son is asking to see them. I’m scared if we just turn up they’ll turn him away.

Ex is evil. Probably jealous about parents contact and annoyed he wasn’t in control. Done it to spite me somehow.

Well done if you read this far. Apologies.

OP posts:
Imustbemad00 · 26/12/2018 21:57

I guess the consensus is Aibu. I probably was. I’m so annoyed with myself. Tried to do the right thing against my better judgement because I thought it was in my sons best interests and now I’ve hurt him more Sad

OP posts:
AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 26/12/2018 21:59

OP as a PP suggested write a letter and hide your handwriting by either getting someone else to write the address or type it. State simply that their grandson, your son, loved seeing themand wants to see them again then enclose your contact details. Then leave them to get in touch with you.

If they never do contact you again then when your son is a teenager tell him clearly that you tried to maintain contact with his father's family and you actually wrote them a letter when he was 6 with his details but for some reason they didn't want to stay in touch.

I suspect if your ex is manipulative he manipulates his own family and tell lies - so he's told lies about the boy.

In the past few years I've found I know adults some are OAPs who have found they were estranged from family members their own age - mainly cousins but nephews and nieces - because an older family member - normally a parent - had lied and manipulated them. However when this person died they discovered the truth.

CandyCreeper · 26/12/2018 22:00

I would be very wary about lying and painting them out to be great people who just cant see him as I have just witnessed this with a family member. Dad wasnt involved, she tried her best to protect her
son from knowing dad just didnt want to see him. Years later now a teen dad shows up and makes out he was stopped from seeing him. Child now believes it as mum never told the truth now hates his mum. Up to you what you tell him but I would be honest (in a gentle as
possible way.)

Imustbemad00 · 26/12/2018 22:05

@CandyCreeper yeah I’ve been there with my eldest. I don’t think there’s any right way to be honest. I tried to shield eldest from the worst of it to protect them. Zero contact for 8 years and that hasn’t worked either. Still has issues because of it. That probably paid a part in my decision to try and maintain contact thisntime round.

OP posts:
Allalittlebitshit2019 · 26/12/2018 22:21

imustbemad00
Its so tricky but i think sometimes we have to stop being idealistic and except that re igniting a relationship with ex family isnt a good idea. Its brings more drama than its worth!! The truth is that your ex should be facilitating contact, its not your job.
I have a different but equally difficult situation. My ex was abusive and continues to be very very difficult. He has stopped his whole family seeing our children. They have come to me asking to see the children through me. I have thought long and hard about it but regrettably said no. Its just not worth the back lash from my ex. Im also aware that his family dont really care about me. Their just using me to see the children (which is kind of fine) but their son puts enough drama in my life with out them adding to it. Im also concerned about re starting the relationship and them not continuing, my kids have excepted a more detached relationship with him family, and maybe it should stay that way. I think your trying far too hard, you carnt force a relationship, let it go.

Imustbemad00 · 26/12/2018 22:34

It’s all well and good everyone saying just leave it, shouldn’t of bothered ect. But I did. Now I’m stuck in this situation and not knowing what to do. My son will be so confused and upset. He’s been through enough. It’s going to affect him badly.

OP posts:
Allalittlebitshit2019 · 26/12/2018 23:06

Honestly. Leave it. Just explain when or if he asks that unfortunately you havnt heard from them. He may be a lot less bothered than you think!!
It sounds as if he's going to get hurt at some point anyway. Rather now than it be prolonged. X

Imustbemad00 · 28/12/2018 20:50

Well i messaged the sister again Wednesday to say we would be popping by at some point over the holidays and that I hope it’s ok, and I’d rather someone tell me if it’s not. I’ve had no reply. Messages delivering but not read. Very very strange.
I probably won’t bother going round, as even if they see him, it’s not looking good long term. It’s been months, nobody is bothering to get in touch or answering messages. Can’t see this working for another 10 years Sad

OP posts:
DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 28/12/2018 22:25

Sounds like you've been marked as spam, or your messages are sent to a folder to be ignored. I think that's the clearest message you're going to get.
You've tried and you can't be blamed in the future for keeping your son from his father's family. There really isn't anything more you can do without risking legal trouble for harassment.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 28/12/2018 22:33

Without meaning to be harsh- they’ve made their feelings, for whatever reason, very clear.

You’re wasting your time and energy trying to make this work and if you keep your son’s expectations up then he is only going to keep getting disappointed. Find a nice way to say ‘nanny and grandad need some time to themselves so we won’t be going there for a while’.

I wouldn’t write a letter, I would leave them come to you. Do stop with the messages though, you could land yourself in trouble.

MarcieBluebell · 28/12/2018 22:33

I don't think he needs the drama. Family really isn't everything if it's toxic. Leave it. He'll be better without it.

Imustbemad00 · 28/12/2018 23:01

It’s not like I’ve sent 100’s of messages. One to the parents ( which I had a feeling my ex somehow got into and blocked) one to the sister which she replied to, so then another 2 tonthe sister. Hardly harassment.
I believe the sister is now deliberately not opening my messages which is weird as she is very rude and would happily just tell me to F off if she wanted to.
It’s very hard to explain to my son that I can’t contact them ect as he knows I’ve never contacted them in the past and we have simply gone to their house. He will want to know why we can’t just pop round. They love 10 minutes away.

I have listened to the advice and won’t be making contact again. Coming to terms with the fact my son will probably never see his grandparents m, cousins and probably half brother too, again and how much it’s going to hurt him. No idea what I’ll tell him. Just wished I’d never introduced him to them all.

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