Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want family staying "to help" to actually help?

26 replies

lookingouttosea · 26/12/2018 18:22

I have my mother and younger sister to stay with me for 3 weeks until after my baby is born. This is because I have pregnancy hypertension/being monitored for preeclampsia and I'm in-and-out of hospital and my husband works long hours. So they're here to help look after my toddler.

Problem is, they'll entertain her, sort of...if she's in a good mood but won't do any of the hard things like dress her, bath her, put her to bed, make sure she eats something. Then they'll half-cook and half-clean up but bare minimum stuff...like washing dishes but leaving saucepans, putting away food,wiping surfaces, cleaning floors and so on to me.

I'm finding I have more housework now than if they weren't here, along with extra clothes in the laundry. I have asked that they do a bit more than the bare minimum but they don't, saying they don't know where things are kept or that they don't know how x, y, z works.

They mostly sit and take over the TV meaning I can't watch whatever I might have watched anyway.

On the plus side, if they weren't here I would get no break from my toddler at all. I'm exhausted so at least I can sometimes sneak up to bed or for a bath. If they weren't here I'm not sure I could cope, plus my husband would have to take time off work to look after her when I'm in the hospital.

AIBU??? Thanks.

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 26/12/2018 18:29

They’ll need to know where everything is/routines when you’re hospital though. It sounds like your mum and sister are thinking of their stay as a holiday, to benefit them.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 26/12/2018 18:32

Can you get them to take her out? Won't get any messier and you will have the remote!

Crimbobimbo · 26/12/2018 18:32

Send them home and pay someone (if you can), to take your toddler out.

createdSane · 26/12/2018 18:42

I wonder if they are getting mixed messages from you somehow? If you haven't already, be explicit about what you need - ask them to put a wash on etc. Tell them very clearly they can put anything wherever they want and treat your place like theirs, then make yourself scarce whenever you feel the urge to do stuff/take over. Reinforce by sneaking away far more often - when mealtimes are approaching, when they are over.

You need to keep your mobile/laptop/tablet in your bedroom so you can watch what you want too - this keeps me sane when living with others.

CatnissEverdene · 26/12/2018 18:46

Stay in bed and leave them to it. Even if you don't feel like it. Doing too much is risking your own health and that of your baby. Don't be a martyr, just say you've got a headache and need to rest.

If you're hovering around, they won't take over. And if you are upstairs, you can't see the mess. So win win.

Hope everything goes OK Flowers

CripsSandwiches · 26/12/2018 18:50

I would just not step in. Maybe delegate more e.g. "DM can you do DC's bath today while Dsis clears the kitchen - I need to lie down."

Alpacanorange · 26/12/2018 19:22

Pen paper lists allocate or thanks please leave

MaverickSnoopy · 26/12/2018 19:27

Can you afford a childminder for a while? Perhaps for some of her awake periods. So if she naps 12-2 then 8-12 or some such.

I can relate somewhat having recently been incapacitated for the last month of pregnancy with a toddler. It's a short period of survival. Do what you need to survive.

I had various people help me as well as periods of no help and it's swings and roundabouts. Agree that often they create more stress than they help. For me it helped to think about how I felt when they left - relieved or stressed. That helped me to decide when to have people over and who to have over. Two things helped me - 1) alternating days of help and no help and 2) planning my time at home. DH used to set up activities for DD so that she could help herself throughout the day. He used to also make us lunch the night before so I could just get it out when needed. He'd also prep dinner so that I could just put it on to heat through. I also adopted the organised mum method for housework (or an adapted version to suit me) which I did as and when I could manage, but honestly it changed our lives.

Do what works for you.

GrowThroughWhatYouGoThrough · 26/12/2018 19:46

Are you actually asking for help or just hinting? Eg mum can you put the washing on, sister will you clear those pots away please be direct but polite

ChristmasFan2018 · 26/12/2018 20:03

That sounds really tough! I think you should tell them it's not working out as you hoped and get outside help. Thanks

Original poster
lookingouttosea · 26/12/2018 20:21

Thanks everyone. I have actually said on numerous times that I'm struggling with the housework end of things, and struggling in general. My sister (rightly, to be fair) pointed out that they're not here to be nannies or servants. We don't have the money to hire outside help either so I get that I am beholden to them to some extent. I want to be grateful but just struggling...what I really want is to be alone for the next 2 weeks until I have my baby. I stayed in hospital for a week and it was so nice just to escape everything. I love my toddler and my husband and I would just be with them together if he wasn't working all the time, but I can't manage toddler on my own without him. Actually feel so depressed, hormones raging, bad weather, cabin fever...only 2 weeks to go! Ugh :-(

OP posts:
melj1213 · 26/12/2018 20:35

My sister (rightly, to be fair) pointed out that they're not here to be nannies or servants.

Then what exactly are they there to "help" with if they have no intention of doing childcare or housework? Obviously they aren't there to do 24/7 childcare or housework but if I stayed with someone to help them then I'd be taking over as much as possible so that they could rest/relax.

You need to sit them down and say "If you are here to help, ABC and XYZ need doing but I can't do it all so I need you to help with XYZ. If you can't/won't do XYZ then I need you to take over ABC so that I can do XYZ instead. If you can't/won't do either of those things then I need you to leave as you are not actually helping and are just creating more work and stress for me."

ReanimatedSGB · 26/12/2018 20:40

Yes, why are they there if not to help? Helping means doing some of the fucking work not sitting on their arses expecting to be waited on.

MatildaTheCat · 26/12/2018 20:43

I’m guessing you have an appointment tomorrow with the mw??? (The answer is yes regardless of the truth).

It will take quite a while so leave detailed instructions and when you get back ( rested from a lovely long hot chocolate and cake etc with a book) you need to glumly explain that the midwife has ordered that you get MUCH more rest and many more appointments. You can look quite worried and say you don’t know how you can possibly manage all of this unless!!! Might they be willing to help?

Then grab that help and put your feet up. Continue to write lists, offer great thanks and rest up. And get your DH on board- what’s he doing to support all this nonsense?

Oldraver · 26/12/2018 20:44

Helping is not making more work for you. You should not be doing thei laundry FFS

Send them home

ChristmasFan2018 · 26/12/2018 20:51

So it sounds like they think they are helping? Do they not understand how dangerous pre-eclampsia is? If you can't cope and can't afford to get in help you need your DH. Can he take some leave from work? Or WFH but reduce his hours short-term?

TorchesTorches · 26/12/2018 20:54

I have had both my mother and my MIL offer to help at times when things were insane for me. Both times they did and it wld have been vastly better without their 'help'. You will be a lot more relaxed without them. Say the overhead is too much and they need to leave. Or stay in your room and leave then to it completely (or get them to take your toddler to their house for a week). People never see the hassle they create, only the imagined help they give.

BedraggledBlitz · 26/12/2018 21:52

Oh God I had this. My mum and her husband would arrive every day with their sandwiches (nothing for me). Straight in the living room, telly on for their programmes, I was then invited to place baby in their arms as they sat down, ten minutes later would be asked to remove baby from their arms. Zero help.

Agree with others suggesting give them specific jobs to do.

Lindy2 · 26/12/2018 21:58

Send them home.
Can you afford for a childminder to take your toddler for even just a couple of mornings a week?
That would give you a bit of a break without the extra cooking, washing etc (that you shouldn't even be doing for people who are supposed to be helping you).

Mascarponeandwine · 26/12/2018 22:15

Yep my MIL was the same when my kids were really little. “Helping” with the school run after my c section = hopping into the passenger seat while I chauffeured her down to the school, watching me put the buggy up, then proudly pushing it into the playground and back while I carried all the kids rucksacks.

Would’ve been so much easier without her. But commenting that x y or z would be more helpful would’ve caused offence. I never found the answer apart from putting her off, I felt really cruel denying her grand parenting time, but I was struggling and it was easier without her.

itsalmosthere · 26/12/2018 22:20

They are there to help, and should be helping, maybe give them a list. Quite frankly wtf are they there if "they are not there to help with the toddler" & the house. Stay in bed, and let them get on with it. My MIL has been called on a few times to help due to health, and she is awesome, properly helps, tidies, looks after the kids, baths them and is quite frankly a Mary Poppins angel. They sound like they want to say they are helping... but doing a bare min.... mmmmm all the glory, but not real work.....

itsalmosthere · 26/12/2018 22:22

On a more practical note, is there anyone you can call on who will properly help out? As you do seriously need to rest.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/12/2018 22:30

My gobby midwife would have been receptive to a home visit and a loud bollocking if I asked via text.

TakeMe2Insanity · 26/12/2018 22:35

Ok so your sister says she isn’t here to be your servant/nanny but you in turn need to tell her that she isn’t here to be a guest either. I would tell one of them to go home and come back in a week. With the remaining person just give them a list of things that need done that day eg mum can you take toddler to class/library for x time , heres shopping list and dinner list for way home, heres money for it etc.

If they aren’t willing to rotate, then think about who would b willing to help out.

Mascarponeandwine · 26/12/2018 22:41

The thing is, “help” means very different things to different people. My MIL would definitely have said she was helping by pushing the buggy. The fact was, she was actually net negative help, with all the other factors that made her more work than her not being there at all.

Do you have childcare for the actual birth? Or do you need to keep them on side to look after your toddler?