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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit miffed about this?

77 replies

KitKat1985 · 26/12/2018 13:32

DD1's 5th birthday is in the spring. PIL announced over Christmas that they will be on holiday again for her birthday. This will be the third year in a row they will have booked a holiday over her birthday and therefore missed it. AIBU to think this is quite hurtful? I could have understood occasionally having to miss her birthday for a holiday, but 3 years in a row feels a bit much.

There is a backstory here in that me and DH feel that SIL and BIL's children are favoured by PIL over ours, and I can't imagine them ever booking a holiday over one of our nephews birthdays, so this may be clouding our judgement a bit.

OP posts:
Hofuckingho · 26/12/2018 13:51

You can't expect people to arrange their holidays around birthdays, it's unreasonable.

Some families live at opposite ends of the country, or even in a different country. Grandparents often don't see their grandchildren on their birthdays in these circumstances. Get a grip OP.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 26/12/2018 13:51

Gosh what a nasty little person you are.

No, that’s not nasty, it’s an observation. If their grandchild is the most important thing in their life then they must have nothing of their own that’s important. No job, no partner, no mortgage to pay, no friends or hobbies, no dreams of being able to holiday without being restricted by school holidays or having to be available to adult children who demand their attendance at birthdays.

Missingstreetlife · 26/12/2018 13:54

Send them an invite early for next time

JacintaJones · 26/12/2018 13:54

No maxi my own mum has plenty of friends and hobbies.
No partner as my Dad is dead.
She prioritises her grandchildren. That's her perogative, I suspect many grandparents do so and equally many don't.

Chloe84 · 26/12/2018 13:54

The issue is that they wouldn't go away on their daughter's grandkids birthdays, so there is clear favouritism here.

I would be unavailable on their birthdays in future OP.

Chloe84 · 26/12/2018 13:55

*daughter's kids

starcrossedseahorse · 26/12/2018 13:56

OP not sure I see the issue here really.

MacarenaFerreiro · 26/12/2018 13:58

Some families live at opposite ends of the country, or even in a different country. Grandparents often don't see their grandchildren on their birthdays in these circumstances. Get a grip OP.

Exactly! We live a long way from both sets of grandparents. They will always call or facetime the kids on their birthdays but won't visit and certainly don't attend birthday parties. That's not the norm in our family. My inlaws have 8 grandchildren, all with birthdays in different months.

If they felt they had to be at home for every birthday, they'd never get away.

MamaLovesMango · 26/12/2018 13:58

YABU. My DCs rarely spend their birthdays with their GPs and I wouldn’t expect GPs to interrupt their lives for birthdays.

Probably stings me a bit as my Dad died 4 years ago and would have given anything to be there

This I get though. Although I’m not bothered about birthdays, I feel it quite keenly when the GPs my DCs do have, aren’t particularly attentive because I know my own mother would have been the most excellent GP. It does hurt, so I do sympathise Flowers

Original poster
KitKat1985 · 26/12/2018 13:58

The issue is that they wouldn't go away on their daughter's grandkids birthdays, so there is clear favouritism here.

I think that's it exactly. I'm fairly confident they would never go away over our nephews birthdays because they value seeing them on their birthdays too much. The fact that doesn't apply to our DDs just shows where we 'rank' in their estimation.

OP posts:
brizzledrizzle · 26/12/2018 13:59

It depends what they are doing, if it's a week at Butlins then they could easily choose another week but if they are going on a cruise to a specific location then they are tied to the dates that it goes.
They don't need to be at her birthday party - they are for the children; my 3 always saw my parents for a birthday meal on/around their birthday but they didn't come to their parties except their 1st.

nuttyknitter · 26/12/2018 13:59

You're getting a hard time here OP but I think YNBU at all. Unless there's a very good reason I would never be away for my DGC's birthdays. I love being part of their celebrations and would never deliberately miss them.

Somersetlady · 26/12/2018 14:01

If it bothers you that much just move the party date.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/12/2018 14:02

Jeez, I don't think YABU, there's literally no reason why they should keep going on holiday and missing your DD's birthday. Once is ok, but 3 times in a row is a bit bloody much!

Sorry that you are having this experience with them - and sorry that it feels like your DD is "second best" to her cousins - but if it continues like this then probably better to reduce contact with them so she doesn't notice it as she gets older.

Slightly different because my MIL has only got my 2 boys as grandkids, but she'd never deliberately miss their birthdays!

Purplecatshopaholic · 26/12/2018 14:02

She is your child, not theirs. Presumably as long as they get her a present, why do they need to be there to physically give it to her? I dont get the issue! I would not expect my mother to change her plans for my family - if some people want to be there 24/7 for their grand kids then thats great, and I am sure 'potentially' very welcome, but it should not be expected.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 26/12/2018 14:03

That's her perogative, I suspect many grandparents do so and equally many don't.

Yes, so it’s not wrong that some don’t devote their holiday schedule to their grandchildren’s birthdays. It’s their prerogative. Neither is wrong.

Greenteandchives · 26/12/2018 14:04

Interesting. Since our children grew up, DH and I have travelled extensively. We had our kids young, and had no money when we first knew each other.. Mostly we go when schools are in session so as to avoid costs and kids. Or at appropriate times for the country we are visiting, so this varies. Often we are away for weeks. It’s what we like to do now.
We have been away for many birthdays and not really given it much thought. Neither I am sure have our children.
Maybe I ought to discuss our holiday dates with them before we book anything.
Oh and ILs it would seem, can’t do right for doing wrong anyway.

Girlicorne · 26/12/2018 14:05

My in laws always go to Spain at the end of September. They weren't here when Ds was born and haven't seen him on any birthday, I ve never thought anything of it. He's not their son! He always gets a card and present from them before they go. Personally I think YABU but all families are different!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/12/2018 14:05

Talk to them OP? Tell them it upsets you and ask them why they never go away on their other GCs birthday. Get it out in the open and see what happens.

Original poster
KitKat1985 · 26/12/2018 14:06

Greenteaandhives - my point though is that they only ever miss our DDs birthdays, and never that of their favoured grandchildren, so there's a clear element of favouritism there which is different to the scenario which you are describing where you are just away a lot in general.

OP posts:
TedAndLola · 26/12/2018 14:07

The world doesn't revolve around your child. Get over it.

WorraLiberty · 26/12/2018 14:07

Do the other grandkids have birthdays in the Spring?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/12/2018 14:08

What's your relationship like with them? Do you include them at other times? Get on well with them?

ILoveAllRainbows · 26/12/2018 14:08

We book holidays at the same time each year. If one of our gc's birthday was during this period I would not cancel the holiday.

BertrandRussell · 26/12/2018 14:08

“My pils insist on coming to my dc’s birthday parties. AIBU to think that this is really overstepping - they’ve had their turn and I want to celebrate with my little family. How can I put boundaries in place so this won’t happen again? Could
I suggest them dropping the present off the previous weekend?”

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