Will I ever be successful?

[70sbaubles]

Hi-warning long!
I am post:
divorce
coping with a toddler and 2 older children
losing my job
going no contact with DPs

Have lost all my conference
Kids and I have no one-even though I'm being punished for 'cutting my kids off from everyone'
Being out the job market

I'm educated, struggle for childcare, unemployed. Single and always will be.

How the fuck do I claw my previously successful life back, because currently it's hell. Been on my own all Xmas and will be over New Year. No friends. No hobbies. Guilty the kids haven't seen anyone.

Wasn't that long!

What do you see as successful, OP? What would you like to see this time next year? Are the children in school/childcare?

Please don't beat yourself up - it sounds like a tough old time, and the pressure for Christmas to be magical makes our ordinary lives seem so much worse.

Good job, status. Friends at work.
Parenting inevitably makes me feel a failure, although I'm not it just feels thankless. I do my best but need validation elsewhere. I'm good at my job. I want it back but childcare a nightmare.
I want to develop my education, maybe a PhD.
The logistics is difficult. No support, holidays etc hard. Ex well and truly fucked off.

Hmmmm....

I think you’re going to have to play the long game. Do you want to go back to pre ious career? If I were you I would plan to be where I wanted to be career wise in 3 or 5 years (depending on age of kids). Aim to start a hobby in the new year and start building the career any way you can.

You are right not to expect any self esteem from raising kids. It’s never going to happen. Things will get back to where they were you just need patience.

How old are kids and what are your career aspirations?

I'd reevaluate what you see as successful. I had a good career until I became disabled, and that makes you take a good look at things and completely reassess. I now maintain some work but my success is around voluntary projects and providing expertise to others in establishing charities.

Can you focus on one specific thing you'd like to achieve, and make sure it's realistic? If you want to do a PhD then your next target could be developing a research proposal and securing funding (loans are now available if there isn't funding in your area).

Kids 8. 11. Nearly 3, will be in reception 2020. That's my chance to go back.
I've enrolled in some qualifications in the meantime and voluntary work but it just seems so.....backward. I don't think I'm too good for it, but it's what I did a million years ago before a career. Just feels pointless.
I do have resistant depression and am struggling with appearance, coping day to day and motivation. I'm hopeless and feel worthless.
I'm planning a PhD proposal slowly.

Feel the young people have taken over in my absence. It's humiliating. I feel old, ugly, fat and useless. All my skills feel lost.

I felt like this a few years ago, had a scrappy work situation, ill health, money problems etc. I bit the bullet and quit and immediately my work stress disappeared and so did my money problems because I wasn't paying out for childcare. I took time out to recharge and review my options.

I volunteered at some local charities doing project management and at school pta. I met some new people through various groups and new neighbours moving in to our street. I then got a term time, p/t job at a local voluntary organization through my charity contacts.

It's changing your mind set and looking at your situation as an opportunity to change life to suit you. All your life you've done things on other people's terms, be it your marriage or job etc, and 2019 is the year to do things your way.

www.ten2two.org

Thank you.
Truth is I was once exceptional, had so much potential. Now I'm a nothing. I can't believe how divorce and a baby has ruined me.
I do need to find a new way of living.
Thanks for the link I need to change how I view things.

Come on!!! You’re not nothing... you’ve just had some time out. Pull your big girl pants up and start being positive. You’ve got so much to offer the world. All your years of experience looking after children. You’ve gained wisdom that people of 20 don’t have.

You seem very extreme in your thinking. No one is a nothing (least of all single parents!!) just recognise and accept that this phase will pass. You seem like you’ve done loads of positive things already. well Done!!! X

I'm ugly. And fat. I'm working on the weight and I am prettier thin. I am saving up for a haircut but am growing my hair as I think uglier people look better with longer hair, you need to be attractive to have a short haircut imo.
I do have wisdom and was thinking of being a support worker but not sure I'd cope.

You have a bit of a plan (that's pretty good). Give yourself some slack. They are spending serious quality time with you, at Christmas - that's quite something. Come back at anyone dissenting with that.

Having space from my DP's has helped, buy some days being lonely does feel bad and I remind myself it is better than having negative voices.

Make some plans with your children for 2019. It sounds like you are on the start of a better time, but Christmas can be sapping especially if you are in FOG

But you might want to check your negativity. All that fat and ugly stuff. Stop judging all successes and others on those outward markers.

Yes this is true. I've been looking at caravan breaks for 150 and tempted to stick it on the credit card for March.
I need to negotiate education and funding as am currently on benefits. I am scared of the implications of this and what it will mean financially.

I truly am ugly I have bells palsy and one side of my face is droopy. I'm embarrassed of myself, I look to the floor rather than have eye contact. My ex would tell me I looked like a Mongol (his word).

Ur ex was a fucking cunt, to you and mongolia

I am in a similar sitch. Lost pretty much everything except DD and ancient car. I think a PP is right: this is the chance to do what YOU really, really want. Theres no fear of losing anything now, so go for it! I am trying to go back intime to that pre husband, pre child me, the one who wanted to do crazy, ambitious things but felt too tired.

I've had a rest. It's game on (also going for phd)

OOh online, what subject (PM me, I'd love to chat about it off board) x

Right. Step back. You think you were once exceptional. Your word. Exceptional people are those that are beyond the norm. Something more. Something higher (arguably better). That doesn’t go because of circumstance. It just changes. If you had potential, you still have potential. You must see that otherwise you’re not as exceptional as you think.

You’re clearly bright. Make a five year plan. And it should be 5 years; you need enough time for realism but also to set in motion more long-term goals. I have a law degree and a masters degree, it with a young family I was stuck cleaning fucking toilets. I am not now.

Write shit down. All the stuff. Small goals. Big goals
Order them, prioritise
Learn one new thing every year. Something significant-language, programming, whatever
Volunteer. Volunteer. Volunteer. You can do Homestart for instance with your 3 year old in tow (I did this)
Get a LinkedIn profile and work on it. Message me and I’ll add you to my network
Practise self-care. Every day. Little things.
My PhD proposal took months to perfect. Allow yours to take a while, it does. You need to get it right. Check bursary and grant deadlines, make contact with potential supervisors.
Broaden your horizons, change will come but it may not be in the next town
Aim high. If you want to be a support worker, good for you, but you don’t need a PhD. That’s time and money you don’t need to spend. Aim down the road you really want to go down. Believe me if you have a PhD and the. You’re stuck earning less than 30k for the rest of your life, you’ll be depressed again. If you want to be a support worker, just do that. Not the 4-6 of doctoral thesis.
Kids are flexible, they are portable. Speak to them, tell them your dreams. It’s amazing how supportive they can be and how invigorated they are by a mum who dreams.
You’ve got this. You do.

Thanks Alone.
I was a published writer. Although my profession was vocational I used writing as a creative outlet.
I feel like that creativity's gone. I'm also depressive and treated, which may be part of it.

I do have somewhat of a plan but am waiting around. I get the buzz off qualifications but I can't do them forever. I have a BSc 1st, Academic Award, MSc Distinction and papers published as lead researcher. Those 'lower' achievers have overtaken me.

I'm going to do a 5 year plan. It ends as a Dr though!

Am thinking of clinical psychology but not sure it's for me.

That’s great. The will is half of it. Do you have an idea of your thesis already? If so do you know who could supervise it? Scour the universities and check the credentials. Don’t forget to get a grant you’ll need to really be extending the knowledge in the field. It’ll need to be unresearched previously. But you’ll know all this.
I’m guessing that you want to be a support worker while you study then-not a long-term career goal, which makes much more sense.

Tell you something OP, you are bloody funny!

Yes I've got the thesis idea but am working on it. Have got potential funder interested but have been round my local ex poly university and they had the audacity to suggest that PhDs are hard work and I might need to do a basic introduction to research to which I forwarded them to my papers and they shut the fuck up
They do like home grown students but the funder is subject related and lets you pick your own supervisors.
I'm still looking, I want to pick them as it's a long 3 years I've heard. I also want the best.
I'm a high flyer by nature. Shitty nappies and toddler tantrums bring out the worst in me, I look bedraggled and haggard.
As my child just said, poo is 'very brown...

I think you need to let go of some ego stuff OP. There’s nothing wrong with ex polys, nothing wrong with being given advice about how to prepare for a phd, nothing wrong with your child saying poop is brown (it is, after all.)

I’m not having a go, I used to be very hung up on being successful, being seen as an intellectual, looked down at ‘lesser’universities, couldn’t stand anyone giving advice that was ‘beneath’ me. But all that kind of stuff holds you back massively. Egos lie. They stop us being humble and that stops us having confidence.

There’s nothing wrong with being ambitious or successful but if we want it too much, it can slip away really easily. Take it easier. The tension springs out of your post.

Take small steps, every day.

If you think you’ll finish your PhD in 3 years you’re deluded. Most of my friends have doctorates, all very ‘exceptional ‘. None managed it in 3 years. 1 awesome individual took 6. For someone who is worrying so much your self-esteem is healthily high. You’ll manage.