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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Will I ever be successful?

42 replies

70sbaubles · 26/12/2018 10:43

Hi-warning long!
I am post:
divorce
coping with a toddler and 2 older children
losing my job
going no contact with DPs

Have lost all my conference
Kids and I have no one-even though I'm being punished for 'cutting my kids off from everyone'
Being out the job market

I'm educated, struggle for childcare, unemployed. Single and always will be.

How the fuck do I claw my previously successful life back, because currently it's hell. Been on my own all Xmas and will be over New Year. No friends. No hobbies. Guilty the kids haven't seen anyone.

OP posts:

nicelyneurotic · 26/12/2018 18:24

Just wanted to say I was where you are this time last year. I have a fab job now and I'm happy.

You have experience and intelligence but is more study the best route for you right now? Why does academic study feel safer to you than relaunching a career now? What could you do with the skills you already have? If I were you I would sort childcare and start looking for jobs, anything at first. Just get money coming in and a foot in the door somewhere. It will be good for your confidence.

Worry about your appearance later. That's not as important and you can do things gradually.

You're strong and I bet you're a great mum. This time of year is difficult when you're single.

OnlineAlienator · 26/12/2018 18:58

I dunno, appearance is an easy fix - haircut, skincare routine, some basic hair and makeup tips from youtube and you're good to go. A groomed, 'sorted' appearance MAY help get work?

Original poster

70sbaubles · 26/12/2018 19:04

I know that lonely. In fact I know loads of people who've gone part time such is the push for completion in 3 years (4 with write up, but you don't get funding for the last year so really it's part time).

OP posts:

Original poster

70sbaubles · 26/12/2018 19:08

That's true IAm. I'm a snob. Not financially, I live in a council house. But intellectually. I hate the move to polys. I inwardly criticise people.
Yes to being humble. I am up my own arse in terms of ability. But there is more to life than ability. I need to find it.
I just hate my situation, the drudgery of it. The incongruence between what I'm capable of and what I'm doing. I hate it. I hate being the invisible mum on the street, the minging one.
I am unattractive, always was at school, but my intellect and ambition was always what I felt good about. Now it's lost and I feel a failure.
After my time out going to the local uni and being looked at as 'noone' with questionable ability both shocked me and pissed me off, because it confirmed how I feel.

OP posts:

Original poster

70sbaubles · 26/12/2018 19:11

Online it's keeping up the appearance stuff. I could look pretty passable in an hour. I just don't have the motivation to bother because there's no one to impress or try for. No people at work, no clients, no boss, no publisher, nobody. Just 4 walls or school mums many of whom look the same.
I'm so unkempt that people I used to know walk past me in the street. They don't even notice or recognise me, and I enjoy that invisibility but it's claustrophobic at the same time.

OP posts:

recently · 26/12/2018 19:19

I'm going to do a 5 year plan. It ends as a Dr though!
I think you need more of a plan! Is the PhD needed in your future career? Where do you want to be in 10 years? (I got my PhD a few years back but I can't say I am a success career-wise. I don't need a PhD to do my job).

Original poster

70sbaubles · 26/12/2018 19:22

I've no idea here I want to be in 10 years, still don't know what I want to do when I 'grow up'.
I don't have confidence in the workplace, so I piss about going from one thing to the next and build on qualifications.
I don't think I'd be good at anything in real life. Don't want to teach, don't really want to be around people, would like to write and research but only in certain areas. I don't have any ideas about where I'll be in 10 years. All I can think of is up to getting a PhD then I'm stuck. I'm not wanting one to become an academic or anything.

OP posts:

OnlineAlienator · 26/12/2018 19:51

At least you know you can tart up in an hour for interviews, then there WILL be a reason for it

I do know the 'i dont know what to do' thing.

Original poster

70sbaubles · 26/12/2018 20:46

OP posts:

recently · 26/12/2018 20:50

I'm not wanting one to become an academic or anything. I think it's a risky strategy to invest so much into a PhD unless you're pretty sure it's going to be useful to you.

Original poster

70sbaubles · 26/12/2018 20:57

True. How do you develop a life plan?

OP posts:

nicelyneurotic · 26/12/2018 21:55

What work experience do you have? There are plenty of office jobs that involve writing and limited contact with others. Sub editing? Digital marketing? Social media? You could get a job as a researcher somewhere especially if you have a specialism. Are you good with numbers?

I really would focus on getting a career established. You'll be better off and will feel more positively about yourself.

Original poster

70sbaubles · 27/12/2018 08:28

Not much nicely. I'm Autistic and have had psychotic depression repeatedly so struggle hugely round people. I can do it, and look like I'm doing it well, but it's incredibly draining as it's an act.
I'm fab at public speaking.
I've done loads of research, both statistics and qualitative.
I just want data and to be alone. That's why I thought a PhD, I like the solitary nature of it and the immersion in literature and facts.
I'm not sure I'd cope with a 'proper' job, I find office politics and not knowing how exactly to act around people very difficult.

OP posts:

SexNamesRFab · 27/12/2018 08:45

Have you thought about retraining in IT OP?you sound like every infrastructure architect or developer I know. It can be a great career, lots of potential for WFH with just data and very lucrative.

Original poster

70sbaubles · 27/12/2018 13:04

No I hadn't, but not sure I'd be good with technology.
The longer it goes on, the less confidence I have. I could quite gladly get the kids back to school in January and go back to bed each day until pick up time.

OP posts:

nicelyneurotic · 27/12/2018 18:21

Soubds like you have some useful skills and talents. Most companies are very good at looking after employees with mental health issues these days, so don't let that put you off.

Could you work as a data analyst or data scientist? Many companies have departments analysing customer behaviour, success of marketing emails and webpages. Would that interest you? You might something that lets you work from home.

OnlineAlienator · 29/12/2018 09:25

OP i'm the same! I'm great at public speaking and short term engagements with customers but office politics strangles me in the end. IT does seem to be the key, but i've never been into computers :(

I'm not sure academia is the answer y'know only as a means to an end, because academia it seems to me is ALL politics. Maintaining relationships and being able to effectively manage all that seems very important for a career AS an academic thesedays....unless perhaps you're alan turingstyle working on something incredibly important, needed and well funded.

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