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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To become a single mum of 4 thanks to OH seeing prostitutes?

35 replies

Rainbowark · 26/12/2018 10:25

Should I as a mum of 4, 2 of them with special needs call time on my marriage?

Despite committing to couples counselling I found yet more suspect websites on his browser history of prostitute ‘spas’ both locally and in cities where he’s been going on business trips. Plus his usual love of chaturbate sites.I don’t have proof that he went to them but the fact he searched them out tells me where his head is at.

I know when his mind is elsewhere as he starts being meaner to me.

I have no family near me and would struggle despite having a very good job - am feeling so so trapped. Is it even doable in my situation? He’s a good (enough) and hands on father otherwise. Do I just stick it out until they are older? I feel no affection for him anymore :(

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 26/12/2018 10:26

Definitely leave him.

5fivestar · 26/12/2018 10:41

Everyone is going to tell you to LTB and that is the right thing to do of course but is it practical? I stayed until a time that suited me basically. Said nothing, waited and it turned out a lot better than an emotional over reaction that could have left us in a worse position. Make your decision but bide your time.

FissionChips · 26/12/2018 10:44

I agree with 5fivestar, don’t rush, take your time and make your position strong. Save money, search for places to live etc.

You’ll probably find it easier to cope once you know you have a plan of escape.

SpiritedLondon · 26/12/2018 10:47

I think you need to work out the logistics on this one. Definitely don’t rush to prove a point of throwing him out. How much additional help do you need and what is your support network like? Could you carry on working? My friend is a single parent to 4 kids but when she and her DH split up her kids were a bit older and had no additional needs. She has only managed because she stayed part-time and her mum has helped her a lot with childcare. Her pension is now looking shit though so she’s going to have to carry on working longer than she would have otherwise.

Original poster
Rainbowark · 26/12/2018 11:04

Thanks for the measured replies :) In theory I think it could be possible, but practically, when he was away for a week recently, it was pretty brutal to have the sole load. With the tiredness I dropped balls at work.

This has been going on so long my self esteem is on the floor. I put on weight as I am feeling so worthless and I do take anti-ds on and off. Whereas he has never been so cocksure.

I know I should spend 2019 getting myself strong whilst I have his help. But what do I say to him in the meantime. He’s making my skin crawl and Im no doormat - he needs to know I know what he’s up to again Angry

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 26/12/2018 11:10

You'll go from strength to strength once you're free of him op.

Could you tell him you know what he's doing, and to just give you some space?

Wordthe · 26/12/2018 11:17

If you can detach yourself from the situation and act normally without causing yourself too much stress than that would seem to be the logical way forward

I would be gathering information making sure I understood what was going on but you'll have to put quite a lot of effort into not tipping him off
it's very hard not to feel pleased with yourself when you have managed to outmaneuver someone and stay a few steps ahead of them, that feeling can lead you to leak out little clues

Magentaorwagenta · 26/12/2018 11:36

I think you need to take the weoponary out of your feelings towards him. Therapy is helpful I have found.

Of course it is doable even though hard, I know that from my own experience of having ltb and being a separated parent who gets every other weekend free.

I've found not being in the relationship has lightened my emotional load beyond measure meaning I actually have more time for my kids, my job and myself.

If you know it's over either go soon and get it over with or set a date and get your ducks in a row.

Accepting that the man I married was a deeply disappointing husband and it was not anyone's fault it was unsalvageable helped me move on emotionally and mentally.

Original poster
Rainbowark · 26/12/2018 11:38

Here’s the sad thing. I’ve wanted so badly to make it work - we have a stressful life so the first couple of times I let it fly. The last time I told him it was counseling or divorce and he has made all the right noises in the sessions. So finding out he was possibly at one of these places the day before our last session makes the betrayal so hard to swallow. I feel like a fool.

We’ve been together 20 years - I haven’t known anyone else but him. Our kids are fantastic but challenging and I so want it to work for them too.

I just can’t seem to answer the question do I do what’s best for me or what’s best for our family. And I can’t even answer what’s best for me - but it isn’t having a husband that is being so selfish. :(

OP posts:
Magentaorwagenta · 26/12/2018 11:44

I can completely relate to what you write.

As a dear friend has said to me: 'the answer, as always, is within'

Apologies for the cod spiritual talk. But I found once I started listening to my instincts things slowly got on the right path.

Wordthe · 26/12/2018 11:54

It sounds as if he is thriving at your expense, running rings around everyone and manipulating the situation to suit his own ends is making him feel Powerful
being with him is damaging you,
if you are damaged then it's harder for you to be a good parent

ISdads · 26/12/2018 12:00

Hugs

Been there. Took me 18 months to leave. In the end I had counselling - just needed 3 sessions. I was ready. It just took me a while. As another poster said, the lifting of the emotional burden actually gives you a lot of energy back.

AnyFucker · 26/12/2018 12:05

Whatever you do....your sex life with him must be over. Please tell me it is.

Original poster
Rainbowark · 26/12/2018 12:10

We were getting back on track after my disgust but clearly since I’ve found out the latest - not a chance. Not even in the same bed as made excuses.

I even cringe when he kisses our children thinking of where he may have been.

I genuinely cant get why he’s putting this need above keeping his family together. I don’t recognize him. And there are no blurred lines - I’ve made it clear that websites, massages etc are cheating to me and not acceptable. He doesn’t even have the argument that he’s not neglecting me in the process.

Just argh. Confused

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 26/12/2018 12:24

What a horrible situation to be in and what a bastard he is.

I agree with others that you should take your time, hard though that will be. It sounds really tough if you have four children, especially if two have special needs. I'm really glad you're in a good job - that'll be a lifesaver.

I think you need to spend some time thinking about what your ideal situation would be, given that a happy marriage with this twat isn't an option. Would you want a live in au pair? Would you want him to have the children every weekend? What you really don't want is to have the children 100% of the time with no help, while he goes off on shagathons with local prostitutes.

What about money? What can you afford in terms of separate housing? How much is he spending on this stuff and can you prove it? Are your finances separate?

AnyFucker · 26/12/2018 12:42

This is the man he is. He won't change now. Plan your future based on that truth because you will not get it from him.

MatildaTheCat · 26/12/2018 12:43

You need to value yourself in all of this. It will be hard as a single parent but there is no reason that he shouldn’t be expected to continue to pull his weight as their father and pull his weight fairly and constantly.

I would let him know that you know and let him await your plans but his disgusting habits have brought your family life to this point and he must accept this.

Very best wishes to you but I really hope you will make good your promise to him last time. If you don’t you have a certain future of. Ore of the same.

What a twat.

Wordthe · 26/12/2018 12:46

He's exhilarated because he's rediscovered his sexual power

CoffeeMilkNoSugar · 26/12/2018 12:49

Well the marriage is effectively dead, isn't it? How could you bear to touch that worthless piece of shit?

I'd say, use him for everything you possibly can, bide you time, find a nice l9ver on the side, then leave your husband when convenient. I'd have no scruples in your situation.

BerylStreep · 26/12/2018 12:50

Can you move job to be closer to your family? Would they be in a position to help you with the DC?

I would agree with the rest of the advice - cool and measured. Ducks in row etc.

ILoveChristmasLights · 26/12/2018 12:53

I’m sorry 💐

If you had two kids and neither with SN I’d say to kick him out today. Now. Don’t even take a breath

However, that’s not your situation. You have 4 kids, 2 with SN. You have to think about what’s best for YOU. What’s best for you, will be best for your kids.

No one here knows your H, so we can’t say what is/isn’t possible in so far as coming to a mutual agreement re looking after the children physically and financially etc from the same house or two houses etc

If an agreement won’t work then you need to work out a smart exit plan. Tell him whatever you need to, to make that work (so tell him or not that you know, whether you’re ‘trying to get past his previous behaviour’ etc).

Think about YOU. Not him. The children will be happiest when you are the happiest you can be.

I’m sorry he’s turned out to be such a selfish, stupid, bastard.

EhlanaOfElenia · 26/12/2018 12:59

If he weren't there, what sort of help would make it doable? What level of additional needs are we talking about? Would an au pair or a live -in nanny be possible or enough? Would it be financially feasible (taking into account maintenance from him if you kicked him out).

Jux · 26/12/2018 13:02

Get your ducks in a row, ie copies of all is financial docs etc. Don't forget to factor in his contributions to raising your children. You may find you have enough to go shares on an au pair who can help keep the children looked after so you're not run ragged.

YoungLennyGodber · 26/12/2018 13:04

If it was difficult practically speaking to leave, and he was good otherwise with the children, I probably wouldn’t. If I would maintain a functional, polite real with him that is.

YoungLennyGodber · 26/12/2018 13:04

Polite relationship that should say.

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