To become a single mum of 4 thanks to OH seeing prostitutes?

[Rainbowark]

Should I as a mum of 4, 2 of them with special needs call time on my marriage?

Despite committing to couples counselling I found yet more suspect websites on his browser history of prostitute ‘spas’ both locally and in cities where he’s been going on business trips. Plus his usual love of chaturbate sites.I don’t have proof that he went to them but the fact he searched them out tells me where his head is at.

I know when his mind is elsewhere as he starts being meaner to me.

I have no family near me and would struggle despite having a very good job - am feeling so so trapped. Is it even doable in my situation? He’s a good (enough) and hands on father otherwise. Do I just stick it out until they are older? I feel no affection for him anymore :(

He's exhilarated because he's rediscovered his sexual power

Financial power more like. Where is the sexual power in paying someone to tolerate shagging you?

Get counselling for yourself and allow yourself to grieve for the relationship and partner you could have had.
Then solidify your position, move only when it is the right time for you.
He does not figure in your life anymore, nothing he does hurts you, or is your concern so long as it does not weaken your plans.
Learn to coparent effectively and separate your feelings from what is best for your children patenting wise (it's not staying in a dead marriage).
From now on you have a temporary living situation with a housemate who just happens to also be a parent of your children.
In the meantime get your support network in place so that the transition to parents who are no longer in a relationship or live together is as easy for you and your children as you can make it. He made his choice without thought for you. Now is the time for you to do the same.

@Brenda, quite!
(I should have made it clear that I meant that sarcastically /ironically)

he is exhilarated with what he perceives to be his sexual power but actually there is no sexual power is paying someone to tolerate you shagging them

He's just a deluded misogynist

So many fucking horrible men around. I am sorry that you are with this vile man OP. Of course you know that you must leave but take care and do it when it works for you and the children. Do it with your head held high - you all deserve better.
And he deserves to rot.

ofcourse its doable. Im a lone parent to 4, 2 with asd, ex is completely absent. Im not going to say its easy. its very very hard but we get by. I have minimal family support, only my sister who will help in an emergency.

OP that's awful and no doubt you are under tremendous pressure. He is a shit husband. Speak to your GP/Women's Aid to see if you can access phone or face to face counselling for yourself.

I recommend you take legal advice regarding separation/divorce. Knowing where you stand might give you strength. Don't disclose this to you husband. Stay one step ahead of him.

It's also important for you to log what's happening with your GP. When you split you will be able to claim tax credits etc but having medical evidence for yourself and the children is very important. Keep as calm as possible. You will get out of this situation but it will be tough for some time.

Don't make it easy for him to swan off with no responsibilities.

Take care of yourself. You are stronger than you think. We are all rooting for you. Although we don't know you lots of us are effing furious on your behalf.

No doubt you feel alone and worried but post away if you need to rant and rave. Don't waste your energy trying to reason with your soon to be ex husband.

Does his family know what's going on? Don't carry this alone, tell them if it's appropriate and tell people close to you. You need support. I'm thinking about you and sending you strength. You can do this.

Great post and great advice @Lake👍

Thanks ladies - some very thoughtful comments to stew over!

We’re stuck at my parents far far away from home and it’s difficult. They still treat me like I’m 16 and will try to take total control if I leave. It will be more awful with them than him!!! I feel so very alone.

I’m desperate to throw it all the table and speak about it but I can’t do that here and we’re not home till next week. I’m behaving so moody and can’t do otherwise. Talk about suffocated!!

I will go see a divorce lawyer and my therapist ASAP when I’m home. I need help mourning for this whole relationship and the future we had planned together. I don’t know how people do it - I don’t have a support network that have been through this.

Use mumsnet as your support group. I separated from my EXH almost 20 years ago. I left as he became violent after the birth of one of my children. I literally had nobody to talk to.

I eventually told my family but they were so outraged that things became more complicated. I don't blame them but looking back I needed professional support. One night during a crisis I rang Women's Aid who were phenomenal. They understood precisely what I was going through.

I got some free counselling sessions. The counsellor had been subjected to violence herself and helped me understand that it wasn't my fault. I then got the support i needed to leave.

I shudder to think what might have happened if I hadn't contacted Women's Aid. It was a very lonely time and there was no internet back then.

If I had been able to access help online things would have been so much easier.

Mumsnet has provided me with a range of advice and support since on lots of different issues.

It is sometimes better not to discuss problems with friends. That way you hold on to your privacy and don't compromise your friendships. With the best will in the world friends sometimes are not the best at giving impartial advice. They just care so much and hate to see you hurt..