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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit hurt despite saying it doesn't matter

45 replies

necromumda · 26/12/2018 10:02

Yes, this is a Christmas gift one.
I have no-one to speak to about this so just have to get it out. Apologies.

I tend to "do" the entire Christmas - all of the gifts, food, cooking. I am happy with this arrangement and enjoy it, for context, but as you would know this is a big task.
DH and I keep gifts to each other quite minimal and at a £10-£20 budget for gifts to each other to keep things simple.
This year, I bought him a dressing gown, giant parma violets and a book he was after. Not much but bought with thought, wrapped and given from under the tree in the morning.
I had nothing. Not a single thing.

Then, at around 7 pm, he went out to his car and came back with an unwrapped pound shop backscratcher and handed it to one of the kids to give to me ( we were in bed watching movies). He apparently forgot it was in the glove box.

Now, I have always said it's not the gifts that count but AIBU to feel quite hurt and underappreciated? He has had plenty of time.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 26/12/2018 10:04

YANBU. Has he apologised? This is really thoughtless of him.

BanginChoons · 26/12/2018 10:06

It's out of order. Not like he hasn't had months to get you something. Have you told him how disappointed you feel? Has he done this before?

My ex used to do this. He also used to complain about everything I bought him.

TheSmallAssassin · 26/12/2018 10:07

I think YABU for telling him it doesn't matter. Nothing will ever change if you keep pretending it's OK. You don't need to be dramatic about it, just tell him how upset you are.

Original poster
necromumda · 26/12/2018 10:08

Totally agree, I am not a dramatic person so no worry there. I need to say something.

OP posts:
greenlanes · 26/12/2018 10:08

no YANBU. That is disgusting behaviour. I would start looking at where else in the relationship he behaves selfishly and start to change that eg split of chores (including Christmas prep) and money splits. Cut out jobs you do that you dont have to (eg dealing with his side of the family) and work out a rota for the rest. Make damn sure that you are financially sound.

Fridaydreamer · 26/12/2018 10:09

YANBU. That’s thoughtless at best. Please tell him.

Last year DH asked me about 3 days before Xmas what I wanted. I was hurt as it showed no effort. I told him how upset I was. How I just wanted to be thought of like I think of him and DD.

He took it well and fixed it this year. Not with expensive gifts but with thoughtful ones.

I hope your DH can see how hurtful he’s been and try harder in future.

SpiritedLondon · 26/12/2018 10:09

You know what I do feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for every woman posting these threads about thoughtless partners but you’ve created the dynamic where this is apparently acceptable. Stop being a martyr- stop doing everything, stop accepting shit behaviour and I think you’ll find things will improve but the change has to come from you.

StyleOfTheTimes · 26/12/2018 10:09

Why not say this morning “ I’m going to have a look through the sales and treat myself to somethings after all the hard work I’ve put into buying gifts, cooking etc” maybe then he’ll realise that a back scratcher isn’t a present?

Bigonesmallone3 · 26/12/2018 10:10

YANBU
I'd be really hurt, ur not expecting much.. just a little thoughtful gift

RagingWhoreBag · 26/12/2018 10:12

Yabu to say it doesn’t matter - it DOES and that’s ok. It doesn’t make you grabby to want him to do one little thing to show that you’re appreciated at Xmas.

If he were cooking the lunch or otherwise contributing towards Xmas it might be almost forgivable that he couldn’t be arsed to spend half an hour shopping for you. But a crappy back scratcher is a pass the parcel or secret Santa gift, not a gift for your DE who does everything for you.

Tell him you’re disappointed as you thought you’d be giving each other something small but thoughtful and that you’d have been very happy with a dressing gown and a book etc but that his gift shows he didn’t give it a minutes thought, especially as he forgot he even had it.

Tell him that either you agree next year that you’re not doing gifts for each other and you will buy yourself something nice or he steps up. And that regardless of the gift situation, next Xmas he will be helping by buying for his side of the family, sorting the stockings for the kids and doing the washing up after you’ve cooked. If he doesn’t enthusiastically agree and promise he can do better, book yourself and the kids a holiday and bugger off next Xmas and leave him to his own miserable devices.

RagingWhoreBag · 26/12/2018 10:12

DW not DE

RagingWhoreBag · 26/12/2018 10:15

Why not say this morning “ I’m going to have a look through the sales and treat myself to somethings after all the hard work I’ve put into buying gifts, cooking etc” maybe then he’ll realise that a back scratcher isn’t a present?

I do think you should do this but it won’t make him realise anything. He’s clearly a selfish arse and won’t consider that you wanting to treat yourself is something he should have done.

Mrstwiddle · 26/12/2018 10:15

Of course it matters! What a selfish thoughtless so and so. I would be making a huge deal about this if I were you, although actually I can’t imagine being with anyone like this in the first place.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 26/12/2018 10:15

I agree with others saying to tell him. It’s disgusting that he treats you so badly and thinks so little of you.
Did he not feel guilty opening his gifts while he got you nothing?

treaclesoda · 26/12/2018 10:17

A bit hurt? I'd be devastated. And I'm firmly in the category of 'gifts aren't about the amount spent'.

My heart breaks a little every time I read posts like these on mumsnet, and there are so many of them. So many women sharing their lives with men who think that their feelings don't matter. Sad

treaclesoda · 26/12/2018 10:19

How would he react if you asked him outright 'Why did you buy me a back scratcher?' Would he try to say it was a joke? Or he thought you'd like it? Or would he be defensive and start criticising and satin that you're ungrateful?

DeckTheHalls1 · 26/12/2018 10:26

This is atrocious behaviour. And very poor role modelling for dc...who should not see that it's ok to treat others so thoughtlessly. YADNU but probably need to start expressing your needs/expectations more in the new year.

Original poster
necromumda · 26/12/2018 10:28

To be fair, I do have a menopausal itch going on lol

And No, I won't be goaded into the whole "you have set yourself up as a victim/martyr" thing. What is it with women? Why must we always find blame in each other for the behaviors of men? He was thoughtless. This was his bad.
I will tell him. He needs to stop being so thoughtless.

OP posts:
70sbaubles · 26/12/2018 10:36

Agree that there's a country full of women facilitating shit husbands who feel it's acceptable to make no effort or demonstrate any love aat all.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 26/12/2018 10:40

He was thoughtless, no doubt. But IMHO you were the bigger person for not raising it on Christmas day.

I WOULD tell him now, though. I WOULD buy myself something from the sales, and I would make an agreement now for future Christmasses. Simply by saying that you had followed what you thought was the plan - is this the plan for next year or do we need to do things differently as you felt very disappointed at his thoughtlessness.

Original poster
necromumda · 26/12/2018 10:42

Don't you think that blaming women is facilitating behaviors of men though? These are living breathing humans who should take responsibility for their own actions. Saying "well, they are doing x, y z, because YOU caused/facilitated" and "men only behave a certain way because YOU, as a woman, cause him to" is women blaming culture at it's best.

This is an entirely different discussion lol

OP posts:
ILiveInSalemsLot · 26/12/2018 10:45

I don’t think people are saying that.
They’re saying stand up for yourself and don’t allow someone to treat you this way.
By staying silent, you’re allowing someone to treat you so poorly and not be challenged for it.

Original poster
necromumda · 26/12/2018 10:46

Thanks, @iliveinsalemslot I will say something and won't let this happen again.

OP posts:
AloneLonelyLoner · 26/12/2018 10:48

This was incredibly rude and thoughtless. It would have been better to not get anything than get something which is demonstrably cheap and thoughtless. Wow.

YouTheCat · 26/12/2018 10:50

I agree, Necromumda. You enjoy doing all the Christmas stuff (so do I if I'm honest) but that doesn't mean you're a doormat who doesn't deserve some appreciation.