Too many presents?

[toomanypresents]

I've NC for this as this maybe quite outing and I really don't want this linked with other posts.

A bit of background, my MIL is an overbearing difficult woman but I put up with her behaviour as she loves my kids and they love her, I facilitate at least once a week contact if not more to keep her happy. Last year she was ridiculous with presents for Christmas and we asked her not to go overboard this year as the kids get overwhelmed and we have no where to put everything. My kids have so many toys already.

Fast forward to this Christmas, we have a little bit more disposable income this year so we pushed the boat out a bit wanting to give the kids a great Christmas - it wasn't excessive but they both had a fair bit with everything they had said they wanted. We were giddy with excitement on Christmas morning.

My PIL came round at 7.30 in the morning with 5 big bag fulls of presents - my FIL apologised but MIL was over the moon with it all despite mine and my DPs face saying it all!! It was obscene the amount of gifts they had - not only did they outdo our presents but by at least four times. In the end my kids were so overwhelmed they weren't even looking at them just chucking them and opening another one, DS was so overwhelmed he just wanted to look at his toys but MIL kept shoving presents in his face.

We retreated to the kitchen as I was overwhelmed and trying to sort everything so the kids weren't so overwhelmed but getting snapped at by her. She then came into the kitchen and told us off asking if we didn't want to watch our kids open their presents. This was an hour and half after they arrived and they were still going 'NO MIL I don't want to watch and fawn over you for buying so much'.

I'm so livid and so is DP - he took half the things away as they are duplicates and some of the things they really wanted that we had bought them. I know we can give things away or send them to her house but it seemed like the MIL show rather than for the kids.

We specifically said not to go overboard and she did it anyway but even more so. I'm not sure what I really wanted from this AIBU, my DP is going to speak to her after Christmas about it and try and avoid it for next year but I know her and she'll do it anyway. So, AIBU or has she massively overstepped the boundaries?

Presents are invasive. One of the most expensive things in the UK is space and land. It is not relaxing being in a pile of gifts/paper. Can you register/charity shop them ? It is not nice thinking of the environmental impact as well. Emotionally you have felt ignored. YANBU

Personally I would quietly give duplicates excess to charity, then when cooled off mention what you did. It’ll curb next year without huge rows

Oops "regift" not register ( but I guess you could put them on eBay).

Yeah I plan to regift and give to charity. I'm just annoyed still and need to vent I think - I feel ignored and it just seems it's another way for her to control us all.

@yoyo1234 YES the environmental impact will be huge - I've tried to buy as little plastic as possible this year and she has bought enough to fill 500 landfill sites.

I have a MIL who is does this.

I’m from a family where the grandparents traditionally give one gift to each of the grandchildren. I find the quantity that come so from my in-laws completely overwhelming.

Last year we piled the bags of presents from her in the corner of the room and over about two weeks my children opened a couple of presents when they felt like it.

My DH spoke to her again before this Xmas and tried to get her to tone it down and focus on a few things that they would really like. He suggested that they would like some aqua beads this year, which she said she would buy. She brought them 25 boxes of aqua beads (!!!!), but at least they were all wrapped up as one giant present 🤷‍♀️

We live in quite a small house and I just don’t have room for everything.

Can you ask FIL to try and help rein it in for next year?

My mother used to do this - not as extreme, but she insisted on doing my kids a stocking.

We had an argument about it - I told her they were my babies, and she’d had her turn. She wasn’t happy. I think some mothers struggle to take a back seat. She didn’t stop.

I’d regift this year and intercept next year.

It sounds cheeky, but I have started to ask for money or clothes due to lack of space and family are happy to do that. Or maybe a membership to a theme park/soft play might be a good idea? I think some GP's with money to burn would just like to shop instead though, as it seems more about their joy of buying stuff than it is giving presents. Worth a try though.

I feel your pain my own mother is a bit like this. Turned up with an enormous sack of stuff for each child, more than we had bought them. She'd asked me what to get them, I gave suggestions which were adhered to but not sure why we had all the extras.
DH is very cross about it all - he's particularly environmentally conscious and hates consumerism. Kids totally overwhelmed.

We will have to somehow get them to rein it in next year - might suggest they take them for an expensive day out instead - however they are in their 70s and only two grandkids, I think my mother really gets a kick of spoiling her only grandchildren when she's very aware that she is unlikely to be able to do this for much longer. Other grandparents far more sensible. Turn up with one present for each child.

Regifting isn't fair. They aren't yours to regift. Give them back to PIls for their house.

Maybe send her this?

@GreatDuckCookery my mother won't accept anything I give back to her. So my only options (as I don't have space for it all) is to regift or charity shop it.

I wouldn't be letting them turn up at 7:30am on Christmas.
Open yours in peace and they can can round later, or go to theirs and leave the excess there as there simply isn't room!

@toomanypresents did you know they were coming over at 7:30am? This is the part I would find intrusive. They hijacked your Christmas morning with your kids. I'd be pissed.

If they came invited, dont invite them for the morning again. If they came uninvited, tell them that next year that is not happening.

The pile of presents is annoying and wasteful, but I'd be more annoyed about them gate crashing the special moment, rather than the piles of crap which you can donate or sell.

What’s motivating it from your MIL? If it’s that she likes to spend a certain amount i’d try asking her for experience type gifts (activity subs, trips out, cinema vouchers, or a contribution to a savings account for your dc), if it’s that she likes giving a pile of presents try giving her a list of specific practical items your dc will need throughout the coming year (clothes, stationery, activity items etc), if it’s that she specifically wants to give them ‘fun’ stuff then i’d give her a list of the toys they’ve asked for/ things that you’d be happy for them to have and let her be the one who gives the toys. Young kids won’t really care who they get the toys from, just that they get them, and you’ll be the one there on a daily basis playing with the toys with them, older kids will understand that you’re the one facilitating it (my 6 year old nephew has already worked out that, even though i’m the one who goes to the shop and buys it, it’s really his Mum who chooses the presents I buy for him - i.e. I ask her what he’d like and she tells me) and they won’t want a load of stuff they don’t actually like anyway. Then put the money you’d have spent into a savings account for them / towards a family holiday. They might not appreciate that now but they definitely will when they’re older.

In short, yanbu but if she won’t change and she’s otherwise a good grandma, i’d just try and make the situation work as best as possible for you.

Oh and split up the days when she gives them presents and you give them presents, that way they shouldn’t get as overwhelmed and will be able to enjoy it.

Oh also start ‘managing’ her early, people generally require repetition to absorb a message - and I think older people are even worse at changing their way of thinking. So start planting the seeds now I.e. keep mentioning how your kids are finding how much stuff they have overwhelming, how they have too many toys to be able to find the ones they love, how it’s so kind that people buy them gifts but most of them go to waste as your dc only ever play with the same one or two, and how they’ve been learning at school/ on some tv program about how bad plastic is environmentally, then start talking up what you’re hoping she’ll get them next year, I.e. dc1 loves going to x, it’s a shame it’s so expensive or get your kids involved in saving and tell your MIL how your dc have been learning about it and are enjoying seeing their money grow etc. Plant the idea now and by next year your MIL might even suggest that she give them whatever it is you’ve been bigging up all year - and you can just smile brightly and say oh what a good idea MIL!

My exMIL was/is like this Christmas became an overwhelmin and horrible experience to me. ExH did nothing to stop her really (as it was for our DD) . As much as I miss her, I'm very glad I didn't have to witness this "present display" . One of the few reasons I got divorced. That being said your DH sounds lovely, and I think I'd just tell you MIL to foff.

TBH I think you're fighting a losing battle trying to get you to see things your way. Some people have developed a "quantity over quality" mindset over decades and a couple of CHristmasses isn't going to change that.

My inlaws are similar. I remember one Christmas when there were four grandchildren at her house and the pile of stuff around the tree was so high you could barely see the tree. I was horrified. DH was too. MIL thought it was wonderful. We have over the years managed them a little - we'll suggest that they buy one thing the children have been asking for. This year my DD got Vans, the oldest got a XBox game from them. Then they give some cash to "make it up" to what they would have spent in the past.

On the other hand, they are the sort of people who would be horrified by handmade anything, wouldn't dream of having anything second-hand in the house and wouldn't set foot in a charity shop if you paid them.

You need to split Christmas. Nice, peaceful day with your children and then see them the next day.

I don't think excessive gift giving is over stepping boundaries. Your children are lucky to have a grandparent that wants to treat them.

The duplicates belong to the children, they should get to decide what happens to them not you.

I don't go for all this "you've had your own children" thing so can't ever do anything the same for grandchildren.

I feel the same way. Myself and DP specifically cut down as the kids don't need it and we have no room. My family stuck to this, with my DSis getting the kids shoes, colouring things and jammies. My parents, grandparents and my aunt got the boys one toy each and gave money.

OHs family are a nightmare, loving but a nightmare. They bought presents for the sake of buying presents. They bought countless toys that are duplicates or things they aren't interested in. I've been clearing DS1s room for over an hour trying to decide between what is getting kept, binned and charity shopped/food and toy banked. I could cry.

@TheBigBangRocks my kids are 3 and 1 - pretty sure they can't decide properly.

I totally understand about the excessiveness of Christmas. For the last 5 Christmases my dd has received a ridiculous number of presents from family. Each member spending around £50, often more. Every year we come home from visiting people with a car over flowing with gifts. It would then take me days to sort out the playroom and find homes for all these toys. We are absolutely over flowing with toys, most of which she's barely ever looked at.

This year we put a £20 cap on gifts for dd and fortunately my family agreed. We received a lovely amount yesterday- around 7 items- and the items are much more thoughtful and much more the kind of thing she enjoys. She was over the moon with what she received.

However, my family were very receptive to cutting back (but then they're also very aware of waste and have all consciously tried to lower their household waste/use of plastics this year). Unfortunately I think your mil will be unreceptive because she's obviously not buying purely for your children's enjoyment but to dominate Christmas. She sounds ridiculous. It's also ridiculous that she turns up at 7:30am. She sounds very domineering and I think you need to come up with a plan with your dh that you're both going to uphold together. I'm not sure what your dh is like but you both need to stand firm with what you want to happen next year and he needs to speak up rather than letting you be the "bad guy".

@NameChange457 she wants to be the best grandma in the world and look at how great I am for everyone else.

Your kids are 3 and 1??? OMG that is even more obscene.

I am sure you have had great advice on this thread but mine would be , never ever let them in the door at 7.30am again! OMG. Not only is that horrific for you but you are taking away from your immediate family time which could be lovely and manageable and just nice!

Keep her away til later, or another day! And definitely talk to her again about it. That is just so gross.

I'm in a similar position - sadly years down the line as the children are now in their teens.

Every year we make the same appeal for a degree of restraint over MIL's present buying and every year we are ignored.

We have both my family and DH's with us over Christmas (a real houseful!) and it's cringe worthy every year to see my family (who are generous but not excessive) having like me and DH to endure the excess of gifts being presented by MIL to the kids.

Like you OP it's often we have gifts that others have bought (which take the shine off the present purchased by someone else) but most of it is just random stuff that the kids haven't asked for or need.

It all has to get stored somewhere and whilst we have space it's just annoying every year to consign a load more of random stuff to cupboards (until I can do my best to get rid of it after Christmas by donating to charity where appropriate).

I'm sure other posters will say "get tough" or "stop inviting" but it's not that simple.

The kids have a lovely relationship with their grandparents on both sides and excluding one set of grandparents would really be upsetting for them.

Equally we've spoken to MIL repeatedly but it makes no difference. She thinks she's being generous and demonstrating her love, but the reality is it's selfish and a bid to centre her position in front of everyone else.

I've come to just see it as part of the burden of Christmas to be honest but I really wish it wasn't like this