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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want my baby christened?

72 replies

bubba20 · 25/12/2018 20:05

Currently sat at a Christmas family get together where my partners family are discussing getting our unborn child christened!
I haven’t been christened nor have my other children. My partner has. Neither of us EVER go to church unless it’s for a funeral. We don’t even want to get married in a church.
I just find it really hypocritical if I don’t go and to be honest, I’ve lost so many friends and family I sometimes question if there really is a god!!
I know my partner will want to go along with it just to please his family, even though they don’t go to church either!!! In which case I won’t be attending!

OP posts:
Schmoobarb · 26/12/2018 09:38

You can still let your children make their own minds up about religion if you have them baptised as infants by the way. The 2 aren’t mutually exclusive. A decision made by the parents about infant baptism doesn’t behold the child to follow that religion for all time coming 🙄

Xenia · 26/12/2018 10:29

So your partner wants it and you don't. Toss a coin? Of ir you don't believe in it then surely it does not harm just to endure it for the family. It is hard within a couple when one wants one thing and the other another. This is just the kind of thing people should discuss early on in relationships.

(Most churches would not refuse a baptism/christening just because someone does not attend so that is not likely to be a barrier)

Booboostwo · 26/12/2018 10:40

Schmoobarb of course DCs can change their minds about religion even if baptised but is not the point is it? You don't see many people of one religion involving their DCs in religious commitment ceremonies of another religion on the grounds that the DCs might change their minds anyway as adults do you?

FOTTOSOFTFOSM · 26/12/2018 13:49

We are a church going family. None of our kids have been christened. We believe in the kids making their own choices when they are old enough to do so. We won't let them get baptised until we are certain they understand what it is, why they are doing it and have made the choice for themselves, to because they think we want them to do it.

FOTTOSOFTFOSM · 26/12/2018 13:50

That should be NOT because they think we want them to do it. I don't like christenings by people who never usually set foot in a church. There are others ways of celebrating a child's birth that don't involve making promise you won't keep to a God you don't believe in.

Schmoobarb · 26/12/2018 15:30

Sorry booboo I’ve probably had too much Christmas sherry but I’ve no idea what you mean?

Schmoobarb · 26/12/2018 15:38

We are Christian in that we are believers although not massively religious in a denomination that recognises infant baptism as a “thing”. It’s widely known it’s not the same as “believer’s baptism” that some denominations have when people are older is it not? In my church the minister is clear it’s just about acknowledging that they belong to the church.

I don’t see it at all as imposing my religion on my kids or not letting them make up their own minds about religion. Parenting in general is about bringing up your kids according to your own values and I don’t see this as any different. If my kids grow up to become atheists, choose another religious path or whatever I won’t mind in the slightest. Having been baptised as infants won’t stop them doing that.

If we weren’t believers then of course they wouldn’t have been baptised.

Booboostwo · 26/12/2018 16:37

Schmoobarb sorry, what I mean is that when parents baptisé a child they intend for that child to share in their religion. They are affirming their own beliefs and the fact they value this religion and wish to bring up their child in accordance with it.

None of this applies to the OP.

Of course DCs that have been baptized can change religion, it is not a binding commitment on behalf of the child but it is a commitment by the parents. Otherwise anyone would take part in random religious ceremonies just for the fun of it.

Schmoobarb · 26/12/2018 17:13

Ah ok I don’t disagree with any of that. Not baptising a child because you aren’t religious is sensible!

Xenia · 26/12/2018 18:49

I was pleased when my grandchildren were baptised Catholic. I didn't want us to be the first generation for 1500 years not to do it - we have not quite broken from the faith entirely so although I certainly didn't suggest it or press my daughter for it I was pleased and the whole family liked the celebration even if many are not particularly religious - they are all either Christmas or nothing so there was no major fight over Jew or Christian or Christian or Muslim or anything difficult like that anyway.

ivykaty44 · 26/12/2018 18:51

Why not think about having a civil naming ceremony, if your not religious it would be a non religious ceremony and party afterwards

MrsItsNoworNotatAll1 · 26/12/2018 19:14

If you don't want to have your baby christened then don't. Simple as!

Some people aren't interested in the church bit, it's the piss up afterwards they want.

thegosling · 26/12/2018 19:19

I didn't have my children christened because I'm stubborn and I knew my in laws were expecting it, more from a tradition point of view than a religious one. And were expecting a big party afterwards. I wasn't having any of it.

MamaDane · 26/12/2018 19:24

I'm an atheist and so is my DP but as I'm Danish it's very normal to christen your child. No matter if you believe or not. It's literally just tradition, like a confirmation when the kid is 13-15, or church wedding or celebrating Christmas. It really doesn't mean anything religious here (most of the time) it's just a social event and a celebration and our tradition. So it would be weird not to do it, no matter if you believe or not, but it wouldn't be looked down upon.

Why not just do it and celebrate your kid? You don't need to believe to do it

Fatted · 26/12/2018 19:29

I think for older generations it's the 'done' thing and more of a party piss up for the baby being born.

We've not Christened either DC. They can choose to opt into the faith of their choosing when they're old enough to do so. Don't think either family was too bothered about it, although neither is particularly religious.

Babdoc · 26/12/2018 19:44

Several PPs have said they want their DC to “decide for themselves” when they’re adults.
But how on earth can it “decide for itself” in complete ignorance as an adult, if it’s been taught nothing about Christian doctrine for its entire childhood? The parents’ job is to raise it in the love of God and the knowledge of Jesus’ life, death and resurrection, so it has a basis for the decision. That’s the promise they make at the christening.
Once the child becomes an adult, it can choose Confirmation and become a full Christian.

ivykaty44 · 26/12/2018 20:19

Bab so does a Christian bring up a child and make sure they have access to all other religions, or just Christian? If it’s jyst Christian then it’s all a bit one sided. If you’re going to have faith it’s going to come from within and if you teach a child to read they’ll be able to decide which faith to follow

Jezzifishie · 26/12/2018 20:47

I attend a CofE church these days but was brought up Baptist, I remain unconvinced about christenings/dedications/confirmation. However, I did feel like I missed out on godparents growing up, some of my friends had lovely relationships with theirs. So we compromised - no church ceremony, but we chose godparents. We gave them a small gift and ate cupcakes. They're all very involved in DD's life, it's lovely.

Jsmith99 · 26/12/2018 20:51

“We have decided that religion is something that she/he will be allowed to make up her/his mind about when she/ he is old enough.”

Repeat as frequently as required.

Booboostwo · 26/12/2018 21:00

Babdoc you have a really bizarre understanding of ‘choice’!
My DD has asked me about religion. I have told her about Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Jainism, Hinduism and Taoism. A friend told her all about Catholicism and confirmation and took her to mass. DD was very impressed, so I told her about the Catholic church’s stance on homosexuality, women’s rights, contraception and specifically its impact on HIV transmission. She was no longer that impressed. Choice requires options and information.

Holldstock1 · 26/12/2018 23:30

OP, can I just say do not get your baby Christened if you don't believe. And don't let other people pressurize you into it if its not something you feel right. I sort of understand how you feel because we had alot of pressure and unpleasantness from my DH's family but in the opposite way you are experiencing.

My DH's family are quite forthright atheists and were fairly forceful and insistent we should have a Humanist naming ceremony for our children. When we didn't want to do that, as by that stage we were attending church, they basically put alot of pressure on and when we still didn't cave in blanked us. In fact they have blanked every single important religious ceremony within our family from our children's christening to our formal church blessing of our marriage to name a few (we were originally married in a civil service at a hotel as we weren't practicing Christians at the time). We never even bothered to tell them or invite them to my husband's Confirmation, or when years later our children were Confirmed. We knew they would not approve or agree and it would cause more unpleasantness.

So although its pressure in a different form to your family's I do understand how the expectation to conform can be quite forceful.

A Humanist ceremony didn't feel personally right to us, and we wanted to bring our children up as Christian - to us we knew that was the right thing to do. But if it doesn't feel right to you to get your children Christened then don't be forced into something you aren't comfortable with.

Alot of people seem to confuse tradition and formally naming their baby with getting them Christened in church where the parents and the god parents are making religious vows to God to bring up their child in the Christian faith.

If you aren't going to do that, and all you are doing is going through the motions of getting your family and friends together to watch your baby having his or her names read out in church followed by a big party afterwards, then frankly its pretty pointless for you, and for the church and the congregation where its happening.

I know that I'm probably going to be roasted on MN for saying all this, but unless you actually believe in Christ I can never really understand why someone would want to do that.

Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with people believing in any religion, or even in no religion at all, but as someone who isn't Muslim or Hindu for example, I personally wouldn't be turning up at a Mosque or a Temple to have my child named there, especially if I would end up making vows to bring them up in that religion. So why do that in a church?

In the same way I don't understand why someone would have a church wedding when they don't believe either. The amount of times you see couples getting married in the local church because its a picturesque photo opportunity or parents getting children baptised where they spend the whole time ignoring the ceremony and talking through it about where they are meeting up for the party afterwards - I just don't understand it. Or the other one that crops up regularly at certain times of the year - families turning up for a set number of months to services when they never go to church, simply so that they can get the vicar to sign the application form for their child to get into the Church of England secondary school. Why would you want to get your child into a faith school if you don't believe? (and yes both the local CofE primary and secondary schools openly teach about other faiths and atheism, as did I when bringing my children up as Christian).

When my husband and I got married, neither of us were church goers - so we didn't get married in church - we felt it would have been hypocritical to do so. We had a lovely civil ceremony in a local hotel. It was only when we started regularly going to church a while after having our children that we had a religious blessing for our marriage and decided to bring our children up in the Christian faith so they could be open to the possibility of God and make their own minds up later in life.

My DH's family often lectured us that we were not letting our children make their own minds up by bringing them up in a faith - any faith. But we have always been pretty open to questioning and debating the difference between 'Religion' and God, talking about all faiths and beliefs with them, not just Christianity. In contrast over the years I've noticed any questions my niece or nephew had about faith or God got pretty firmly belittled and squashed if it didn't conform to the family line.

So OP, make your own mind up. They are your children. Think about what you really feel is right and what you believe or don't believe. And don't let yourself be pushing into something just for the sake of it.

TheDarkPassenger · 26/12/2018 23:39

I’m a Christian and believe, however, I don’t see why you should have to christen your child if you don’t want to, that’s silly and kind of makes a mockery of church.

I do think though that if your OH wants your child christened and you don’t believe then does it really matter? To you it would just be a gathering of people and I know for a fact I would do that if it made my DH happy

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