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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my baby christened?

72 replies

bubba20 · 25/12/2018 20:05

Currently sat at a Christmas family get together where my partners family are discussing getting our unborn child christened!
I haven’t been christened nor have my other children. My partner has. Neither of us EVER go to church unless it’s for a funeral. We don’t even want to get married in a church.
I just find it really hypocritical if I don’t go and to be honest, I’ve lost so many friends and family I sometimes question if there really is a god!!
I know my partner will want to go along with it just to please his family, even though they don’t go to church either!!! In which case I won’t be attending!

OP posts:
DRE56322 · 25/12/2018 21:13

Sorry- pressed send too soon! So it's not even all about not believing. But since it's your child, you don't even need to give a reason why you don't want it done. But be prepared for the pressure.

Athena51 · 25/12/2018 21:21

I didn't get my son christened. I decided that he could make up his own mind when he was older. He's grown-up now and an atheist so that's fine Smile.

Mudmonster · 25/12/2018 21:24

Yanbu, I had my dc baptised incase we wanted to send them to a church school (which we haven’t in the end).
My family are very religious and I grew up in the faith but don’t believe in god at all anymore, I feel bad now that we had them done but it made sense at the time.
Dh and I put our foot down at a church wedding though, even when my GM worried that we wouldn’t legally be married if we had the ceremony in a hotel.

TheBigBangRocks · 25/12/2018 21:26

YANBU, I've not done it either and wouldn't be forced into it. Mine can choose their own religion should they wish too.

I don't attend any either that aren't being done for religious reasons but for the gifts/party likewise naming ceremonies. A child has a name when it's registered, everyone has a name. It doesn't need gifts to accompany it.

MrsDeanWinchester75 · 25/12/2018 21:26

Neither of my dd's are Christened as we are atheists, sil is very religious and told dh that we weren't doing the right thing by them and that made me even more determined not to.

Bibijayne · 25/12/2018 21:28

Not religious but my mum is Plymouth brethren. They don't believe in infant baptism - like lots of other denominations. So I've not been Christened. Neither DH (what has been Christened) or I are religious.

Besides my FIL and SMIL are Muslims.

Just say no.

SheDoneAlreadyDoneHadHerses · 25/12/2018 21:44

My exDH wanted our son Christened and my Dad's side of the family are Jewish (so obvs I'm not but....). Anyways, I told him we could get him Christened if we had him briss'ed. Oddly enough, he stopped asking Grin

Stand your ground.

Original poster
bubba20 · 25/12/2018 22:05

Thank you everyone. I never really thought that the church would refuse if I didn’t attend. Time to put my foot down!!

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 25/12/2018 22:10

I don't believe in Christenings if nobody has a belief. I do realise in some areas it is traditional, East End of London being an example. Same with weddings.

You don't have to have your baby baptised if you don't want to, it's entirely your business. However, if you do it isn't going to do your baby any harm and it's an excuse for a party.

Booboostwo · 25/12/2018 22:11

PotteringAlong it is deceptive as the person pretending to make the serious commitment is only pretending. It is also duplicitous and offensive because it makes a mockery of those who take the commitment seriously.

LokiBear · 25/12/2018 22:18

Just tell them your child will choose if they want to be christened when they are older. I was in a similar position. DH is an atheist and PIL were really pushing a Christening. They said things like 'I had my children Christened because then I knew they were safe'. It made me feel judged and like an irresponsible mum. I felt like going along with it for the sake of a quiet life. It was my dh who put a stop to it. He told me and PIL that he wouldn't have any part in a Christening, as he couldnt stand infront of a congregation of religious people and make promises he had no intention of keeping. He said he would not cheapen their faith by intruding on their place of worship and lying, just to have an excuse for a party. I am not religious. I shouldn't have let them make me feel bad for not wanting to go through with a service that was essentially us hedging our bets and keeping the peace, when there are other people to whom a Christening is so much more important than that. Christenings are for believers, not for people who have no intention of keeping the promises made in Church.

HeebieJeebies456 · 25/12/2018 22:53

Currently sat at a Christmas family get together where my partners family are discussing getting our unborn child christened!
This is where you were meant to pipe up and say "actually....WE are doing things OUR way"

unexpectedgifts · 25/12/2018 23:26

We had a blessing in our garden for our children. The local minister was happy to do this

I do believe in God, I also strongly believe children should have an understanding and be able to consent before being baptised.

Eilaianne · 25/12/2018 23:32

Why are his family discussing what will happen with your child?

Tell them it's between you and DH, and cut the discussion short.

You and DH need to discuss and agree on this in private. It's your child, you two need to discuss and resolve it together. Until then, move the wider family discussion to another topic.

Nubbin · 26/12/2018 01:03

Our dd has not been christened - we go to church weekly - I have stood as godmother for others. My view is that she is very much part of the church but she will make her own choice to get baptised when she is ready to do so. It should be an active choice for her to make - God knows she is part of the family. If people want to do it as a family event good for them but if it is meaningful then you need to take pause and decide.

Jammysod · 26/12/2018 06:54

We didn't get DS christened. We made it clear we wouldn't as soon as the topic came up. My nan was disappointed, but got over it quickly. If he wants to be christened when he's old enough to understand what it means, I'll support him.

Racecardriver · 26/12/2018 06:59

I don’t think this is worth having a falling out over. It’s not like they are trying to circumcise him. If you don’t want him christened then say so an stick to your guns (I don’t agree with infant christenings myself, I actually think it’s hypocritical for a true Christian to force religious belief on a child like that, infant baptisms weren’t performed on the early years of Christianity for a reason). But if it is a choice between a silly ceremony with no permanent effect and a family schism consider just going along with it.

PurpleFlower1983 · 26/12/2018 07:05

Just be honest. We have chosen not to Christen our little one (due in March). I couldn’t stand there making promises I know I will not keep. It feels too hypocritical.

Heatherjayne1972 · 26/12/2018 07:21

My non religious sister had a naming ceremony for her child in a local hall/ social club
It was led by a humanist celebrant
And then we had a party
Would something similar work for you op?

NameChangeOhNameChange1 · 26/12/2018 07:31

Could you compromise with a naming ceremony in a religiously neutral place. They can call it a christening and stay happy but it'll be completely religiously neutral and would be something sweet for you and family to celebrate a new baby.

The Chinese do a 100 day celebration party which is really cute. No religious affiliation.

rabbitfoodadvocate · 26/12/2018 07:38

Your baby, your rules.

I honestly don't know why people get dragged into shit like this, but it's like bullies; stand up to them once and mean it and they'll get the message.

notdaddycool · 26/12/2018 07:43

My half dozen nieces and nephews had all been christened so we did without thinking about it. I’m a Christmas, sometimes Easter, weddings, funerals, christenings type of church goer my wife is Hindu. A couple of years on I do question why we did it, but the family get togethers are always nice in our family. They have also had a Hindu ceremony which sort of balances it out I supose, wife doesn’t question either.

LunaTheCat · 26/12/2018 07:45

Bibi you sound very interesting - Plymouth Bretheran are very strict I thought.

anniehm · 26/12/2018 07:48

Baptism these days is about a celebration, a reason to gather from far and wide. There's secular naming ceremonies available too these days. Personally I didn't, I allowed my children to decide for themselves (one is, one isn't).

I would simply say to family that you believe it's up to the child to decide when they are old enough to understand baptism themselves. My daughter attended classes when she was 11 and was baptised and confirmed, her choice completely

yikesanotherbooboo · 26/12/2018 09:19

If you get your child Chrstened you will have to declare in front of the congregation. If you don't believe the words you are saying i think you will feel dishonest. It is nothing to do with in laws just tell them that you don't wish to be hypocritical and that you won't be christening your child. The child can make the decision to join the church when they wish to.