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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off that my sibling always sends my Mum late Christmas/birthday cards?, and that's if he even bothers at all.

46 replies

Xmastinseltown · 25/12/2018 08:31

As the title says really.
My dbro and SIL are always late with Christmas and birthday acknowledgements, and often don't bother.

Firstly, I want to point out that I know giving cards etc is not the be all and end all, but I can't help fuming at the fact that, yet again another year, I have to see my Mum trying to put on a brave face knowing that her son doesn't give a shit.
I'm especially fuming as I was with Mum yesterday when the Postman walked down the drive towards us (DM and I were chatting outside) waving a Christmas card. My Mum was happy to see him and took the card, hoping that (at last) my db and SIL had made an effort.
However, after glancing at the handwriting on the front, and realising the card wasn't from her son/Dil, her face quickly dropped and she looked dejected.

My Mum and I always ensure that my db and his dc's are given presents/cards for Christmas/birthdays all in good time, and it's hurtful to realise this is not reciprocated.
My own DC hardly ever get a birthday acknowledgement (not even a card which they'd be happy with) and I just feel so angry that they will happily accept our gifts.

Maybe I'm over reacting, but the way I see it, not sending a card (especially to your own Mum) is bang out of order.
AIBU to think this?
AIBU to be annoyed even with receiving a card two days after Christmas? ...after all, Christmas has gone.

I'm waffling on, I'm just so so pissed off that my Mum is left feeling her son doesn't care. To add, my db hardly ever contacts Mum, so a Christmas/birthday card means a lot to her.

OP posts:
Littleraindrop15 · 25/12/2018 08:33

Speak to your brother and sil. If they don't sort it out stop the presents etc

Cheesycheesytwist · 25/12/2018 08:34

I don't send cards to parents/in-laws/immediate family and think being so upset over a lack of card is a bit silly, but if he does nothing at all for her at Christmas that's crap. Maybe you should both stop sending him things and call it quits, he can hardly complain

Original poster
Xmastinseltown · 25/12/2018 09:06

Maybe it's silly to you Cheesy, but my Mum especially is of the generation who appreciates cards. She's a pensioner, but makes sure she doesn't forget her dc's and grandchildren.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 25/12/2018 09:18

I think it's none of your business, tbh.

Eliza9917 · 25/12/2018 09:26

I understand about presents but not cards. I give bday cards but only send Xmas cards to ppl I don't see on the day. I don't see the point in giving cards to ppl I'll spend the day with.

My mil thinks can are important. So much so that when I was with her the other day, after the conversation about it, I bought her a separate card from my mum (she sent my mum one), me, DP and the dog (that's a nanny card too).

I'm hoping she sees the funny side.

Original poster
Xmastinseltown · 25/12/2018 09:47

Eliza, my Mum doesn't see my db on Christmas Day, or all year round for that matter. He hasn't been down to see her for 18 months, he lives a five hour drive away up Norh. That's one reason it's nice to send a card.
bridge
Merry Xmas to you too Hmm
It IS my business, especially when it upsets me to see how my db's lack of consideration affects my mum. Not only that, my dc's and I also don't receive any acknowledgement of a special day (when we do, cards always come two days late) from Db and SIL.
I'm a single parent, but I also make sure my Neice's receive gifts from us.

OP posts:
Eliza9917 · 25/12/2018 09:55

Then it's not really about cards with him is it, it's general 'doesn't give a fuck' which you aren't unreasonable for being pissed off at.

I can't get het up about cards, I only send one. Everyone else gets texts or WhatsApp or Facebook messages.

Forgotmycoat · 25/12/2018 09:56

Yanbu.
This would upset me too and I don't even celebrate Xmas. He is demonstrating that he doesn't care about her or her feelings at all. He knows Xmas and the sending and receiving of gifts/cards is important to your mum and yet makes no effort.

I don't have much advice. But I do understand how hurtful this could be to your mum, and therefore to you.

Original poster
Xmastinseltown · 25/12/2018 10:52

Eliza, you're right, I think the not bothering for Christmas/birthdays just highlights the fact db clearly doesn't give a fuck.

Forgotmycoat
Yes, it bothers me to see my Mum look so down, even though she tries to hide it.

OP posts:
ShadyLady53 · 25/12/2018 10:57

In the exact same boat YANBU. No cards this year from sibling and his kids as were sent this week and they live with overseas. Always forgetting mother’s day and mums birthday and never make any attempt on mine - I was 32 before they even realised I’d turned 30 and my birthday is on a famous day so easy to remember.

Meanwhile they are happy to take and never say thank you. Crap in times of illness. Never offer any help with ageing parents. Just purely selfish and have raised kids the same way.

YADNBU

Gramgram · 25/12/2018 13:20

YADNBU, my DB was like this with our DF. One year he invited him to spend Christmas with them abroad, and accompanied this invite with a Christmas list which one year was, football shirts for himself and his DS. Perfume for his DW and two sets of GHDs for his DDs. They weren't inexpensive gifts he was demanding. The only reason I knew about the shopping list was poor DF didn't have a clue what GHDs were and phoned me baffled.

On clearing DF's house after he died I was speechless when I found a letter with DB 's bank account details on it, stating that he was disappointed that DF hadn't paid any money in for Christmas presents for his family and suggesting £400.

DB and I are no longer in contact, and I prefer it this way.

RedSkyLastNight · 25/12/2018 13:50

Sounds like this is nothing to do with cards and entirely to do with your mother wanting him to "bother more". For example if he rang for a chat, surely that would be better than a card?

whether you are BU, surely depends on the relationship between your brother and mum. You have decided that he just can't be bothered, but perhaps there is some reason that he is not in contact? 5 hours drive away is hardly an insurmountable distance?

I don't have any issues with card being a day or so late though. I had a friend who always binned cards without opening if they arrived late - that was very petty imo (particularly as the lateness of the card may have been outside the control of the sender).

Original poster
Xmastinseltown · 25/12/2018 14:24

Sorry that other posters are in the same boat. To me, it shows a complete lack of thought and sends a strong message.

RedSky
I wouldn't mind if cards occasionally turn up late, but they arrive late every year (and that's if they arrive at all!)
It wouldn't be so annoying if db and SIL asked that we don't bother with cards and gifts as they don't want to. They don't, they accept our presents without question.

OP posts:
MissSusanScreams · 25/12/2018 14:33

This is nothing to do with your SIL. It is not her job to make sure your brother sends appropriate and timely gifts.

Your brother is the issue here. Talk to him about it. But don’t drag his wife into it. You don’t know that she isn’t already telling him behind the scenes to sort himself out.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 25/12/2018 14:39

My brother pulled this shit all his adult life, he broke my Mum’s heart by being a dick even when she was dying. So I get it OP.

Give your mum a cuddle and leave him be, today shouldn’t be spoiled by him.

Birdsgottafly · 25/12/2018 14:46

"This is nothing to do with your SIL."

Yes it is, her children are receiving cards and gifts from their Grandmother and should be taught to reciprocate. Really they should be calling her on the day, as well.

However OP your Brother is obviously doing it because he feels obliged to and that won't change.

How was your Mother growing up, or towards his Partner etc, has anything caused this?

If it'll make you feel better, tell him straight that he's a disgrace.

You can do a Moonpig card and pick when it's sent, so even months in advance if you want.

Birdsgottafly · 25/12/2018 14:46

I don't send or like to get cards, but I did when my older relatives were alive.

MissSusanScreams · 25/12/2018 15:03

her children are receiving cards and gifts

Are they not also the brother’s children or does he get a free pass for being a man. This is his responsibility. He needs to sort himself out.

I am hacked off with the constant weight put on women to sort all the domestic crap out. And you don’t know what they talk about in private. This might drive her up the wall too but she is tired of doing his shit for him.

Would you be blaming a BIL if this was the other way round. Think not.

graphista · 25/12/2018 15:07

Honestly? Given what you say about they don't have much to do with your mum generally I'd be wondering if there's a back story.

I've been variously nc, lc and vlc with my parents at points, I'm nc with my sister now but I can absolutely see her posting something similar about me when I was still in contact with her but vlc with parents.

The background is a miserable childhood, addiction, abuse and narcissism galore!

I was on another thread recently (because let's be honest we feel these things more keenly at Christmas) about not getting on with mums and a lot of posters were saying siblings and other relatives were unaware of the reasons why they were estranged.

Maybe there's something happened you don't know about? Or maybe your bro is the narcissistic arse, either way it's not really your place to intervene, although being supportive of your mum is understandable.

"He hasn't been down to see her for 18 months" see that strongly suggests to me there's possibly been a falling out.

However, you and your mum would equally not be unreasonable to stop making the effort too - it goes both ways.

Original poster
Xmastinseltown · 25/12/2018 15:33

MissSusan
I know it's my db's responsibility, however, SIL is also accepting cards/money/gifts from us for her dc's, so I think because of this she's also being bad mannered and thoughtless.

Birdsgottafly
There's been no fall out and I'm sure his child hood was happy, he's said as much previously. Furthermore, it's not just my Mum he doesn't bother with much, my DC"s are also forgotten on their birthdays/Christmas usually.

So I not only feel for my Mum, I feel for my own dc's too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Xmastinseltown · 25/12/2018 15:35

graphista
There's been no cross words, it's just a case of 'out of sight out of mind' I think, it's all his wife's family.

OP posts:
FlamingoPoet · 25/12/2018 15:51

SIL is also accepting cards/money/gifts from us for her dc's, so I think because of this she's also being bad mannered and thoughtless.

Would you rather she rejected your gifts? Women are aresholes towards their sil (mainly because they expect them to parent their husbands), and then everyone wonders why they don’t think much of their Mil.

graphista · 25/12/2018 15:53

There's been none between you and your bro but you can't be sure between your mum and him, or mum and dil.

Original poster
Xmastinseltown · 25/12/2018 16:21

Flamingo
How nasty, 'women are arseholes towards their SIL', what a ridiculous thing to say Hmm
SIL is quite capable of telling us she'd rather not do presents etc, if that's the case, but she doesn't (neither does db).

graphista
I would know if there's been any fall out, besides, I haven't fallen out with db or sil, yet my dc's and I are also forgotten.

OP posts:
BottleOfJameson · 25/12/2018 16:23

As an isolated issue it's not a huge deal, not everyone sends cards. If it's part of a larger pattern of just making no effort on a regular basis then YANBU. If it means a lot to DM I would just remind your dbro in good time every year and let him know that DM will be upset if he doesn't bother.