Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

IL issue...

77 replies

Coolaschmoola · 25/12/2018 01:15

PIL have three children and five grandchildren, the youngest of which is my 7yo. The eldest is fourteen, the other three fairly evenly spaced.

My DH's brother and sister (both in their thirties, parents of two each, and both in LTR) are crap with money, and their financially not brilliant parents are forever bailing them out. So far, not my money, not my business.

Today we did the annual present swap. Presents for all four DN, and one for PIL.

Except it wasn't a swap. Because not one of them got our 7yo anything.

PIL have bailed out bil and sil, literally buying the main, expensive, presents, plus extras for both of SIL's children because she fucked up her money yet again.

DD is old enough to notice. She's also old enough to see that SIL's kids get a lot of presents. We are doing ok financially, but can't spend willy nilly.

AIBU to be upset that DN's are getting lots of presents paid for by their GPs, plus other family including us, but my dd isn't getting anything at all from any of DH's family, although my main issue is PIL. I get that they don't have much, but would a £5 gift for dd really have made a difference to the hundreds they've spent on DNs?

It's shit, right?

OP posts:
Original poster
Coolaschmoola · 25/12/2018 16:19

In all honesty I don't want to speak to them. I just don't understand how they could do this. I'm furious and gutted for both dd and dh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coolaschmoola · 25/12/2018 20:39

Literally heard nothing from any of DH'S family today. I'm done.

OP posts:
GunpowderGelatine · 25/12/2018 20:47

OP Sad what total utter shits. I'm pleased your DD has good parents in you and your DH though, not flakes who run to sponge off mummy and daddy, that's something money can't buy and is worth more than some crappy toy.

Itssosunnyout · 25/12/2018 20:50

Awful behaviour from your ILs.
Your daughter will see that she has been left out and feel as though she isn't important to them.

Don't bother making an effort with these people.

Original poster
Coolaschmoola · 25/12/2018 21:16

As the day has gone on, and dd has opened presents from my family and our friends, seen my dad and his wife, spoken to family on the phone and I've had messages from loads of people on my side/friends, I'm getting angrier at the lack of contact from the ILs.

I even invited them to join us for Christmas dinner tomorrow so they could see dd and us - they declined, because they're 'not in the mood'... They've had Christmas dinner with SIL and DNs today though.

They really don't give a shit do they...

My mum died last year and that makes it all so much harder because she adored her grandchildren and was absolutely fair in the spoiling if them all. DD had the BEST grandma and she died.

OP posts:
rupertpenryswife · 25/12/2018 21:30

That's awful of your in-laws, I am in the same situation only its my parents that treat differently. My mil was amazing about being fair and making things equal, my DD misses her so much. Next year I am staying at home and
ignoring everyone else. Sick of my kids being second.

rupertpenryswife · 25/12/2018 21:32

Meant to say my mil died 4 years ago, so hoped my parents might have stepped up but they didn't. I hope you can enjoy the rest of your Christmas.

Chloe84 · 25/12/2018 22:40

What was PIL and SIL's response to DH?

PrettyLovely · 25/12/2018 22:49

I wouldnt attend next year, its not fair on your dd. I also wouldnt bother with them.
They dont sound caring at all.

MrsJane · 25/12/2018 22:51

Horrible, spiteful, selfish behaviour to do that to a child. I don't think I could have a relationship with the ILs after that.

And they don't even sound sorry. Your dd should not be exposed to this shit. I'd refuse to see them again.

Original poster
Coolaschmoola · 25/12/2018 23:09

Chloe84 - his sister hung up.
His mum cried, but said nothing.

OP posts:
AWishForWingsThatWork · 25/12/2018 23:19

I'm so sorry for you DH and child, OP. That's really shit.

Cornishclio · 25/12/2018 23:37

That's awful and it would be enough to cut off contact with them. No grandparents is better than bad and uncaring ones. Forget about presents for your DHs family from now on. I wouldn't visit them or invite them over either. Good for your DH at sticking up for your DD though.

Handprints2018 · 26/12/2018 07:49

They are punishing you all for daring to be upset and rock the boat. I would text bil (if that's not sil dh?) To tell him your upset and then drop the lot like you say. Favouritising is awful, your poor dd. To turn down seeing you all like this is just spiteful and disinterested. Fuck them all.

How Do they treat dh? Like second class?

Im sorry about your mum Flowers.

Original poster
Coolaschmoola · 26/12/2018 10:23

Yes, they treat DH as second class, and it's caused a lot of pain for him. We'll be damned if they'll do the same to our dd.

OP posts:
Handprints2018 · 26/12/2018 11:00

That's good that you both, especially him, see it as sometimes people are too enmeshed in the situation to realise how toxic it is. Will you go nc?

Original poster
Coolaschmoola · 26/12/2018 11:02

I'm not sure yet, DH needs some thinking time. We're fairly LC already, and even if we don't go NC we will definitely be going to minimal contact.

OP posts:
Handprints2018 · 26/12/2018 11:05

That's good, at least you can protect your dd and your dh to some degree too. I guess you need a real reaction from them? Are they the type to punish with silence or can you expect abuse later?

Original poster
Coolaschmoola · 26/12/2018 13:27

We've had the guilt trip already.

OP posts:
Handprints2018 · 26/12/2018 13:53

The fact they feel no guilt and are trying to manipulate you says it all really...

inlectorecumbit · 26/12/2018 13:54

You have had an awful time -your poor DD and DH
Please ignore the guilt trip, they are looking for forgiveness where there is none.
Your DD is loved by your family and friends which is wonderful. Your DH needs some time to process what has happened and to decide the way forward.
So NC for now until you decide how to proceed in the future.

Original poster
Coolaschmoola · 26/12/2018 13:54

Thank you. I think that is the way forward.

OP posts:
DameDoom · 26/12/2018 14:09

MIL cried - am fucking speechless! How dare she try and guilt trip you. Your poor daughter Sad. I could never countenance them again. What a bunch of twats.

HJWT · 26/12/2018 14:11

@Coolaschmoola totally understand how you feel OP, my DD has 2 nanna's & 2 grandads, 1 nan is busy raising 2 grandchildren (fair enough) 2 grandads NEVER bother and other nan doesn't give 2 sh*ts about either of her grandchildren (she only has 2) didn't even reply to the eldest xmas card she made & sent her.

Luckily shes only 2 but i dread the day she see's all her friends being picked up from school by nanna & grandad...

DameDoom · 26/12/2018 14:13

I do wonder how some folk can sit there playing lord and lady bountiful whilst purposely leaving someone else out -especially a child. How can they not be totally shame-faced? They are mortifying.