IL issue...

[Coolaschmoola]

PIL have three children and five grandchildren, the youngest of which is my 7yo. The eldest is fourteen, the other three fairly evenly spaced.

My DH's brother and sister (both in their thirties, parents of two each, and both in LTR) are crap with money, and their financially not brilliant parents are forever bailing them out. So far, not my money, not my business.

Today we did the annual present swap. Presents for all four DN, and one for PIL.

Except it wasn't a swap. Because not one of them got our 7yo anything.

PIL have bailed out bil and sil, literally buying the main, expensive, presents, plus extras for both of SIL's children because she fucked up her money yet again.

DD is old enough to notice. She's also old enough to see that SIL's kids get a lot of presents. We are doing ok financially, but can't spend willy nilly.

AIBU to be upset that DN's are getting lots of presents paid for by their GPs, plus other family including us, but my dd isn't getting anything at all from any of DH's family, although my main issue is PIL. I get that they don't have much, but would a £5 gift for dd really have made a difference to the hundreds they've spent on DNs?

It's shit, right?

Wtaf?! That is outrageous. I could not let that go. Will your DH be saying something?

OP, I really feel for you. I was your dd one year. The whole family at my aunts house and my parents and my gran had a falling out. gran came in and made a big show of handing all the cousins gifts except for me and my DSIS. We were 8 and 4 and it was horrible. My parents never ever spoke to my grandparents again after that.

That's very nasty.

I would send Handprints text.

That's so mean!! I would speak to pil and say that was really not nice for a 7 year old to be excluded by you and that she is hurt by your actions.

That is properly, properly shitty of them. Why on earth would they do that? I'd send them a text saying that you can't find their present to DD among the ones she's opened and just wondering if they forgot to give it to you? See what crap they come back with. Your DH needs to rip a piece of them.

This should definitely be confronted. It is not okay. Probably careless and thoughtless rather than intentional but still, it can't happen again.

dont bother next year

Don’t brother next year and if they suggest swapping gifts just explain you’ve not bought any this year because you assumed it wasn’t their sort of thing

YANBU I would stop giving them gifts from now on, simply stop with no announcement or explanation, protect your DD.
What has DH, their son, said?

DH phoned and said his piece after we got home, he was absolutely raging and very very upset. He also told his sister that she's a disgraceful parent and daughter sponging her kids Christmas from her parents who now have very little money for the month because she spent her own money on everything but Christmas.

I wouldn't have cared if dd was given pound shop presents, and neither would she, it IS the thought that counts. And there wasn't any. At all.

I'm SO angry with them for ignoring my dd and making my dh feel like shit.

Your in laws are bastards OP. I'd be going NC for this that's truly awful

Did he just phone his sister or parents too?

Did PIL buy for Dd?

Next year take the money you would have spent on your PIL, and your 4 nieces/nephews and use that money to buy for your child.

Deplorable behaviour from adults - what did they say when your DH called them out? I hope they were mortified!

Noone bought her anything. SIL, BIL or PIL.

He had a go at SIL and PIL.

Glad your DU said something. What did they say in return, did they have an excuse god why they didn’t get her anything?

I’m so pleased your dh said something. You’re both rights it’s disgraceful.

Did your pil and sil say anything?

I agree that its outrageous - it should either be all GC get something or none!

Glad your DH made the phone call - did they have a reason why this happened?

PIL didn't have the money (because they spent so much paying for SIL's kids presents because SIL had spent all her own money on god knows what - and her lt bf spent all his money on expensive clothes/shoes for HER).

SIL couldn't even pay for her own kids presents.

No idea about BIL.

I'm really only bothered by PIL - that they thought it was ok to get the other GC all sorts, even if the majority was on SIL behalf, and dd nothing. We haven't even had a fecking CARD!

Wow that's awful OP! I bet all the inlaws think that just because you and your DH are better at managing your money that it's somehow okay not to get any gift for your DD, which as you have pointed out is not the point at all, it is the thought that counts and your DD has noticed that. I'm sure your PIL never thought about the fact that your DD's feelings are hurt.

On the bright side however, good for DH for addressing it directly with them! Also, as parents who manage your finances well you will be able to educate your DD about how to manage money responsibly as she grows up. Your SIL/BIL's children on the other hand, will grow up having parents who are irresponsible with money, who are used to and expect to receive handouts. So while they may unfairly get more presents than your DD, over the long run they are getting a terrible education in mismanaging finances. I've seen the exact same thing play out with my cousins.

How the heck any grandmother can do this is beyond me
If u have 250 pounds it's 50 each no brainer .and if my daughter was in trouble then yes I would try to help but not at the expense of my son's child just no on so many levels poor little love

Seriously shitty!! What did PIL and SIL cone back with?

At least your DD can see you’re not advocating it and that you’re upset on her behalf!!

Your poor daughter, next year no family present exchange and don’t buy anything for anyone. Until they apologise I wouldn’t speak to them.