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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for help with a condolence card?

34 replies

namechangeprivacy · 24/12/2018 20:24

NC as potentially revealing. A friend and I were pregnant with our first at the same time. She lost her baby shortly after delivery and I've just had mine. She's not a close friend but we did bond a bit over shared pregnancy experience, we are friends on FB/social media and our DPs are also mates. We are utterly gutted for them and can't begin to imagine the grief they are experiencing.

They've sent us a birth announcement and I want to acknowledge it and the birth and death of their first DC. I'm not sure where to begin or what to say. We have not even told them that our bub is here, I won't mention it in the card of course but also not sure when or how to tell them, I suppose they must know as we were only due a few weeks apart.

Have you any suggestions for what to write in the card? I've chosen something solemn and plain as the sympathy cards didn't quite fit and the birth congratulations didn't either. I'm very much struggling, don't want to say too much or too little, or say something wrong or cause them more pain.

TIA x

OP posts:
ItIsChristmasTime · 24/12/2018 20:31

Sadly I was in the same situation as your friend me and even a brief, thinking of you message was appreciated. I have to be honest and say many of the cards I didn’t read in full but all of them are kept in a memory box along with previous things from my pregnancy and our baby’s short life, and we appreciated the kindness and thought that went into sending them.

Littletabbyocelot · 24/12/2018 20:36

My mum lost my elder sister shortly after birth. She'd bonded with a neighbour who was pregnant at the same time. When the neighbour saw her after the loss, she crossed the street. 40 years on, my mum would still say even the clumsiest attempts at condolences were appreciated. It was the people who didn't mention it that hurt.

I think i would keep it simple, I was so sorry to hear about the loss of baby's name. Perhaps mention how loved they were.

StealthPolarBear · 24/12/2018 20:38

Can you ask someone close to them, a sibling maybe, to mention your baby has been born. Otherwise it will get awkward.
Congratulations.

EdtheBear · 24/12/2018 20:48

I think I'd write something simple

Really sorry to hear of the loss of baby xxxx. I can't imagine your pain. Thinking about you.

Re your own baby, are you in a shared whats app group. I think id keep it light, welcome baby yyy

HermioneWeasley · 24/12/2018 20:51

A friend lost her baby at birth and the advice I got was to acknowledge him by name in the card and reassure that he would always be remembered and part of their family.

SandunesAndRainclouds · 24/12/2018 20:53

The last sentence of your first paragraph:

We are utterly gutted for you, and can’t even begin to imagine the pain you’re in.

Original poster
namechangeprivacy · 26/12/2018 19:00

@ItIsChristmasTime Flowers and thank you for sharing your experience

@Littletabbyocelot Flowers for your mum and thank you for the experiences

We are not in any group Whatsapps so can't announce that way unfortunately. I reckon she must know our baby has come now, not sure whether it would be reassuring to let them know via simple SMS. DP and I are not v active on social media so haven't posted announcments there either (also out of consideration for them as I know they are often on) so they wouldn't have heard that way.

I am thinking of something like this:

Dear X and Y,

Thank you for sharing the birth announcemnt of your beautiful baby XXX with us. XXX was (IS?) so lucky to have such a loving mummy and daddy. We are sorry for the grief and pain you must be experiencing now and that you had to say goodbye to XXX so soon. Nothing we say can ease your loss of your beautiful baby, but we hope that time will make the wound less raw and the pain less intense. Please know, even XXX was loved by everyone and will always be in our hearts and our memories.

(We are always here if you would like to chat about XXX or anything else. Don't know if I should include this as it's very difficult to actually make time with our new baby and whether this might be an affront to them?)

With love,
OP and OH

Is this a bit OTT? Feels I'm not saying enough or too much, not sure what is right.

Thank you again, really struggling with getting this right.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 26/12/2018 19:01

That sounds lovely. I agree leave out the bit about wanting to chat unless you feel you can follow through.

Original poster
namechangeprivacy · 26/12/2018 19:09

Thank you, yes worry that it might be hard to coordinate a chat as we're so busy with the new baby but don't want to imply that they shouldn't ring us (or DPs meet without baby) if they feel it would help

OP posts:
EdtheBear · 26/12/2018 19:09

Op I think that is perfect and heart felt esp as it seems parents keep these letters and reread later.

I think I'd go with 'is lucky' rather than was. Taking the logic he is didn't stop being their son.

I'd go with a simple text, Hi Baby xxx was born on xxx. How are you both doing?

EdtheBear · 26/12/2018 19:12

I'd keep the bit in about wanting to chat. The odd are she will want to avoid you but it keeps the channels open and she can't avoid your LO forever.

RangeRider · 26/12/2018 19:12

Leave out the bit about chatting. And I wouldn't try letting them know about your DC - they'll have guessed and however you do it will feel awkward for both sides. Like a PP said, the clumsiest of condolences are appreciated, it'll be the lack of them that hurts more.

StealthPolarBear · 26/12/2018 19:13

Actuly I think eds method is perfect. And I think you should mention your lo.

RangeRider · 26/12/2018 19:14

I'd go with a simple text, Hi Baby xxx was born on xxx. How are you both doing?
Definitely don't do that - it could come across as really, really tactless. A real slap in the face.

MumW · 26/12/2018 19:18

I wonder if you should somehow acknowledge that it must be difficult for them given that you've got your baby and you understand that they may want to distance themselves from you but you're there if/when they feel able to contact you. I think addressing the issue is better than avoiding it as it will get awkward very quickly. You need to let them know you've had your baby.

Flowers
EdtheBear · 26/12/2018 19:18

I just think the Op should tell them about their LO or its a bit weird / avoiding the issue. Op can't avoid it forever without loosing her friend.

I think a We're please to announce.... type message would a a slap but a plain simple message???

Vika1985 · 26/12/2018 19:19

I actually think your message sounds really patronising. I would go with something like:

We are so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious XX. We can't possibly imagine the pain and grief you are feeling. Please know that you are much in our hearts and thoughts.

Papergirl1968 · 26/12/2018 19:21

Please know, even XXX was loved by everyone...
Why is the word even in there?
I would actually cut out the reference to loved by everyone completely, and just say XXX will always be in our hearts and in our memories.

EdtheBear · 26/12/2018 19:22

Good point Papergirl

Bamaluz · 26/12/2018 19:25

I think people are missing the fact that the other couple have since had a baby after losing their first, and the OP wants to congratulate them on the birth of their baby while acknowledging the loss of their previous child.

RangeRider · 26/12/2018 19:27

I just think the Op should tell them about their LO or its a bit weird / avoiding the issue. Op can't avoid it forever without loosing her friend.
The thing is that the friend will assume that OP has had her baby anyway, and at some point they'll no doubt bump into each other or have some sort of contact and it'll come up in conversation (awkwardly). To specifically mention it now when they've just told OP that they've lost their baby sounds very much 'we're terribly sorry about your DC, but yay, look at ours!' It detracts from their grief and nothing should do that. Better (in my opinion) to leave it and when they do talk OP can say 'yes, DC arrived safely but I didn't want to mention it to you because I knew you were grieving and it wasn't the right time' - friend then knows that OP understands a bit of what she's going through.

Bamaluz · 26/12/2018 19:28

Or am I getting it wrong? Sorry, I think I've misunderstood this.

RangeRider · 26/12/2018 19:29

Bamaluz I was assuming that it meant that they'd had the child but that it had died so they were announcing the birth but the death as well (to avoid people ringing and saying 'has it arrived yet?' and getting the 'yes, but he/she died shortly after')

Vika1985 · 26/12/2018 19:30

I think the op wants to acknowledge the birth and subsequent death of her friend's baby who arrived around the same time as hers?

StealthPolarBear · 26/12/2018 19:32

I think you are bam.
I suppose it's quite personal whether they'd prefer to be told about the birth or not. I have never been anywhere near this situation so am probably not qualified to comment but I'd prefer a matter of fact notification to get the issue in the open rather than the others avoiding the issue.

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