To be offended - close friend

[SchnitzelVonCrum]

Sorry it’s a long one, sort of a AIBU/WWYD

So background, old school friend and his DW move into same village as us at a similar time, total coincidence. Know friend’s DW to talk to as met more than a few time’s over years at social events. She’s not from the area (whereas her DH and I grew up nearby) and didn’t have many close friends nearby. She requested me on FB and arranged to meet up. DH and I have our own business so I can be flexible and I often used to take Fridays off, friend used to always make arrangements with me to say go to pub on a Thurs night or to do something with her and her baby DD on the Fri during the day. Plus socialising with our DP. Over the past 6 years we became very close firm friends. About 3 years ago one of her old uni friends also moved to the village we’ll call her x, then another old uni friend of hers also moved in about 4 months later ( it’s a very lovely area obviously seen how much my friend loved it), we’ll call her y.

X is very much a high flyer no kids, Y had kids relatively young so they’re now tweens/teens. When this happened I was dropped like a hot potato for a short while, I kind of expected this - novelty of old closer friends moving nearby but was a little hurt, anyway over the weeks started hearing more from her and later that year went through a particularly difficult time and said friend was amazing. I did expect that us all living close by I would eventually be introduced to x and y especially as y doesn’t work and they seemed to do things on a Friday often. A lot of the time at a wine bar literally a few hundred yards from my house! But no invitations were only extended less than a handful of times. I obviously did get introduced to X and Y at birthdays kids parties etc. over the last few years and have got to know them well enough, they’re both lovely and we always seem to get on well. X and I have both worked in the same industry. I suspected that it was because my friend thought we wouldn’t get on but we obviously did or that X and Y were just been polite socially. But they both added me on social media and regularly leave really nice comments and like a lot of my posts and when my baby was finally born this year. They both left lovely thoughtful gifts and cards for DD with my friend - you wouldn’t do that if you didn’t like someone would you? Y and I bonded at an event over the summer as we both realised we have a similar health problem. And exchanged no’s and have met up a couple of times recently with original friend to chat about and both X and Y put nice Xmas cards threw our door this year. Throughout all this relationship with my friend has remained the same still makes arrangements with me, calls messages etc. and we still meet up lots just maybe not quite as much and maybe there is a sliver of something not quite right. Concurrent to this original friends DD started school 18 months ago and original friend got v friendly with one of the school mums - obviously. Once again I was dropped and once again they used to do lots of things with the kids minutes from my house friend also cancelled arrangements with me a few things to do things with shall we call her Z. Again met Z more than a few times over the past year, again v nice and we get on well but again no extended invites apart from once after my baby had been born at a time friend knew would be pretty impossible for me to make. Again hurt but our friendship has continued. In the past 6 months I’ve noticed though from past couple of parties we’ve been to and from social media, that X, Y and Z are clearly all now quite good friends and know each other better than I do and clearly do social things together with that must have originally been orchestrated by original friend. I have never been invited. I could understand if they all had kids same age day but they don’t. Also dropped original friend a note last wk to see if she was doing school pick up that day as was planning a walk with baby, she said no she wasn’t doing it and DH did it on that day now. However bumped into Y a few days later and she was talking about how she’d seen original friend that day after school with the kids for hot chocolates?!? Then on Friday we were at a Christmas party hosted by original friend and there ‘were a few oh yes well see you on New Years Eve’ Original friend looked across at me panicked (I’ve known her 6.5 yrs can read her like a book) and ushered them away she’s clearly hosting a NYE party to which we haven’t been invited and were clearly the only ones.

I am mortified and hurt I’ve tried to be a big girl about this over the years but this has been the final straw. I don’t know what I have done wrong or why we are being left out. I just think well if you don’t like me why are you still bothering with me and why are your friends being more than nice to me but I’m never invited to socialise. As I’ve been typing this she’s sent me a message about going to a family day at nearby country house between Xmas and NY?!? Just really confused. Have that horrible feeling at the pit of my stomach that I haven’t had since school, you know when you know somethings going on but you can’t quite put your finger on it?!

What should I do, I felt so embarrassed on Friday evening.

Are you the only one with a young baby? reading that the others children are school age or older? so maybe they just haven'r invited you because they think you have your hands full with baby? or don't want a baby there?

@Readysteadygoat @Wowserme thank you I'm genuinely alright yes and pretty happy go lucky. That's why i hate feeling like this @Readysteadygoat

you I try to be, i'm normally pretty happy go lucky.

Not my DH I don't think at all, he gets on well with everyone he's the kind of bloke everyone likes, down to earth and a funtime frankie when he's had a beer. He used to see friend's DH and my old school friend quite a bit socially but our business takes him away im the week a bit and then there's obviously been our baby which has kept him busy!

@BerylStreep definitely not nd she certainly knows that, some of my best friends are friend's DH's older brother and wife who i went to school with as well but they live at othe side of country now. She knows it's just an old gang type friendship and nothing ever romantic.

She's worried you're going to make friends with her original friends and take them off her.

She's deliberately excluding you and preventing your being able to socialise with them.

It's petty, controlling and unpleasant.

I would politely refuse any invitation from her by being 'busy'. I wouldn't seek friendships with her original friends but if they invited me somewhere or were friendly to me, I would be friendly too.

You need to detach from your 'friend'. You don't need to be rude or dramatic. Just fade away from her view.

I think you need to just be honest with her i think its one of those things that will eat you up of you don't. I really regret not asking what was goung on with my friend in a similar situation and I've always wondered. It doesn't need to be a argument I would just ask and mention you see they all meet up you certainly don't need to be included in everything she does but you really like them all and would love to socialise more with them all then see what she says. i know some people like to keep their friendships seperate but she isn't doing that as she's mixing the others.

@SchnitzelVonCrum I had this. My

My so called 'best friend' had a horrible relationship with all of her family and ended up moving in with my parents and I.

She would then proceed to go out with her sister (who had kicked her out) and people she'd met through DS. All the while I would be sat at home on my own, there was never an extension of an invitation - she knew I was home alone because she'd come in to my room ask what my plans were, I'd say nothing and she would say 'oh I'm doing x,y or z with a,b or c today'.

When the shoe was on the other foot and I had plans with my other friends, she would hover in my room whilst I was getting ready and basically make me feel guilty so I'd always ask if she wanted to join me.

I think at one time she said she couldn't get over how much 'x,y or z did for her, so I said if they do so much for you, why are you living with me not them'. She moved out the next day. Didn't tell me, told my mum.

Haven't really spoken to her since.

@Chloe @TwiceAsNice definitely lots of people organise their friendships like this, and until this year that's what i had told myself. However my friend has clearly invited Z who is a very new friend to do things with her and X and Y but the same invitation has never been extended to me.

She's deliberately excluding you and preventing your being able to socialise with them.

OP has not said that OF is stopping her, OP has spent time with y but doesn't seem to have tried to follow it up.

OP - have you tried to organise a meet-up with x, y or z without OF being involved or are you waiting to be asked?

You sound like an intense 14 year old, OP. I can't understand a grown woman worrying so much about who is friends with whom and being invited to things.

@choppata definitely agree, and no she certainly doesn't and wouldn't expect her too, but we have, and i'm sorry if I'm dripfeeding here, always been invited to her NYE parties/dinners, we'be actually only been able to go once about 4 years ago as other times we've been away abroad for NY and one year we had to cancel as i'd had a miscarriage few wks earlier and couldn't bare celebrating. She didn't invite us last year either but assumed it was because i was newly pregnant, but this year we'd have loved to have popped up for a bit with the baby.

She knew she should have invited me and was trying to keep it a secret as i saw the flaming panic in her eyes (was actually quite funny as she'd had a few vinos and I only had one as i'm b'feeding) when people started mentioning it around me. She literally ushered them off then looked back at me to see if I'd noticed, it was all very blatant and she obviously struggled to keep her cool as was a bit drunk!!

Friendships aren’t meant to be this hard, if it’s making you feel shitty then take a step back and let them get on with it.

@Roobub yes I do lots but just not locally, they're all at the other side of town so organising things can be a bit of mission, then me and my oldest friendship circle are spread far and wide so we all hardly ever see each other together and each other maybe 4/5 times a year.

Just nice to have people locally to hang out with go to the pub etc. without it being a serious planning mission.

and reason I am upset is we were so close, she knows my family I know hers, we know a lot of deep and personal things about each other. And i suppose I maybe have over relied on her but we were very good friends.

You're not being Wendied, she thinks YOU are a Wendy. Ie she thinks that you are taking her friends for yourself.

I think she probably didn't invite you because you have a baby and you didn't come several times before when invited due to other commitments. It would seem the logical answer, rather than all the drama and imaginary motives you are ascribing to her.

Sympathies, op, it is horrible to feel like this.

I wonder if the answer to the NYE thing is that, as you say, you've been invited before but usually haven't been able to go? Was your one 'accept' quite a while ago? If so, it may just be the phenomenon that people do tend to stop inviting after a number of consecutive'declines' - however good the reason why you haven't been able to go!

Do you have the youngest child? I wonder if it's something to do with that?

If there's are all a little older it might just be that they find it easier with older children and prefer to socialise that way.

OP is there a pattern where you are frozen out of couples things, could it be your past friendship with her DH. Some people are funny about male female friendships.

I'd drop her. Who needs a friend who so often makes you feel unsure what's going on? I had a friend I knew from school and kept overlooking things such as you're describing. I regret that I didn't drop her years before it eventually happened - there really wasn't much pleasure in the 'friendship' for me as every so often something would happen to wrong-foot me. I like straightforward people who're not playing games.

I’m going against the grain she just have friendships in different groups and socialises separately. I have friends who I’ve met their friends and get on well but I wouldn’t expect to be included in their events and vice versa. I get the impression however you want be part of their friendship group however I think it is more difficult considering they are more established friendships prior to them moving to where you live.

I think I’m reading this differently to other people. It sounds like because you were friendly when she first moved to the area and didn’t know people you feel like she owes it to you to include you with her friends now. She obviously likes you, as she keeps inviting you to things, but it’s okay for her to want to see other friends separately, sometimes it can be logistically hard to fit everyone in, especially when it comes to meals and things. I’m not belittling your feelings by the way, because my friendship group has had all kinds of drama, but one of the things we’ve had to accept to keep friendly is that it’s okay for some people to be closer than others and not everyone can be invited to everything. We had some fallouts to get to that point though (and we’re in our late 30s and 40s )

I think in your situation I would be temporarily slightly hurt and extremely bemused but certainly not offended! Have you got other friends? Do you even want additional friends? Life’s too short to be held back by other people’s approaches to friendship (about which they probably feel quite justified - we are all diffeent after all). Enjoy who you are, enjoy your baby, enjoy having them as nice acquaintances rather than desperately wanting to be their BFF.

and not everyone can be invited to everything.

Having said that I'd expect to be invited to a friend's New Year's Eve do, and if not it would be the death-knell.

Yeah, she knows she was rude and is trying to make nice with the family day invite. I wouldn't be able to stop myself from mentioning it tbh

Agree with pp, she doesn't want you to get close to the other two, especially the one you have lots in common with. She's threatened and keeping you at arms length because of it.

I would be hurt, it's not a nice situation to be in. It's time to pull back and start focusing on other friendships. It sounds as though you gel with other people quiet easy focus on developing those friendships and let this one go, you don't deserve to be second best or her fall back guy.

I think she may not have seen you as her friend but as friend of her husband's first and in her head you weren't someone she choose if that makes sense?
Anyway you'll never know the reasons and your better off not trying to figure it out. Focus on people who you like and whom there's no edge with, it's not a natural friendship if there's always been some sort of frisson in the back ground.

What's stopped you developing other close friendships near by? Has been friends with her got in the way or have you just not clicked with other people enough?

I think it’s the fact you have a young baby and have declined/ cancelled NYE invites before. If NYE for them is going to be a drunken party/affair, then in all honesty, I probably wouldn’t invite someone with a baby either. Changes the dynamic.

Does your baby take a bottle? Could you express and get a baby sitter and casually drop this into convo with your friend? You might find then that an invite miraculously appears.

I’m not saying that’s right btw, but inevitably, someone who’s just had a baby is limited in terms of things they can do. If none of them have very young children and now have a bit more freedom in their lives, they may be doing some things (like daytime pub/ wine sessions, drunken NYE parties etc) that a mum with a young, breastfed baby may not be able to do.

I’d definitely suggest making more effort with your other friends, and maybe reaching out to other new mums. You’re just at slightly different stages of your life atm that’s all by the sounds of it. At least she is still wanting to meet up with you. It sounds like more family orientated environments though which is fair enough!