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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how single mums cope?

35 replies

Lalallals248 · 23/12/2018 21:07

I’m a mum of 2 boys aged 1 and 3 and my husband has just walked out. He’s left us with nothing in the house food wise. I don’t drive and although I’ve managed to sort tonight with help from friends and family, I’m really worried about how I’m going to cope long term. It’s so overwhelming. Please tell me how you amazing ladies cope on your own :(.

OP posts:

ememem84 · 23/12/2018 21:17

Hi lala I didn’t want to just read and drop away. I can’t imagine what you’re going through and I’m not a single parent. But you will get through this. It will pass.

And how will you cope? You will. Find your inner strength and do it. Initially for your kids. But eventually for you. You can do this. You got this.

Pop over to the frugaleers board on credit crunch. Lovely bunch who will help you x

restie · 23/12/2018 21:17

What a knob choosing now to leave. I had donor fertility treatment and so it was always just me..I think it's harder becoming a single parent when it wasn't what you signed up to originally. Some things are easier - you can parent how you want to and not having to have arguments about how to handle situations, approaches to take etc...You also get all the love, kisses and cuddles. You will cope and you'll probably surprise yourself. Getting organised and doing online shopping will help greatly. Again though, what a knob for choosing today to leave. xxx

EverythingsDozy · 23/12/2018 21:20

You do because you have to. I hate that that's the only advice I can give. My exH left NYE 2013 when my children were the same ages as yours are now. They're now 8 and 6 and I muddle through every day because I have no other choice.
You'll get through because you have to keep going for your DC, and because you're stronger than you think you are.

2K19 · 23/12/2018 21:22

you get your head down and get on with it. Many do it, and it will be hard with toddlers. The trick is to be organised and proactive and not constantly chasing your tail. Oh and early nights.. Your ex DP will need to pay you something or you will need to get to the benefits office in the morning / or online to register a claim. Fairly concerned you had no food in the house 2 days before Xmas tho. Have you checked if there is a food bank nearly? Sending hugs

posthistoricmonsters · 23/12/2018 21:22

First time was simpler. The second time I became a single parent, it was bad. I had nothing and no benefits already and luckily a few friends kept dropping us food and the new neighbours took our washing in, they wouldn't take no for an answer (we didn't even have a machine. Or a cooker. Or a working boiler...) it gets easier. I promise you that. There will be harder times and better times. Is there a children's centre near you? Theyre a wonderful resource. Get down to a foodbank. And ask staff there about who you need to contact for support. Ask your family, friends, anyone - if they will help you while you find your feet, whether it's financially, or bringing cooked food round or just sitting with you while you fill out forms for financial help. It can be really lonely too, so try to get out to groups with the kids and don't be afraid to talk to others. I hope your Christmas isn't totally fubar as a result of this. X

userschmoozer · 23/12/2018 21:24

I don't drive either, so I had to move house. You do cope, because you have to. It does get easier as they get older.

wendz86 · 23/12/2018 21:24

To be honest was easier in some ways as my ex did hardly anything round the house and also meant I actually got a break when he had them .

Things will get easier and you cope because you have to . Take any help offered to you , don’t be too proud .

GileadWivesAreFashionIcons · 23/12/2018 21:25

What an arse he is. I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in this position. You will cope because as others have said you have to.

I’ve been a single parent since my DD was 5 months old and I’ve surprised myself with my resilience. I honestly never thought I’d get through it but I have and so will you.

I have to say that in some ways I think it’s actually easier. For me the key is getting into a routine. Make sure you get straight onto applying for any benefits you’re entitled to, and try and get maintainance sorted too.

Good luck, you can do this!

PookieDo · 23/12/2018 21:31

I’m sorry

You fight. I’ve fought really hard and I think it’s hardened me and it’s been difficult, I have teenagers now but been alone 10 years

Yesterday my washing machine broke and I cried for about 10 minutes then got all my washing together and rang round to find someone who would have space in their machine for me. My DD’s were upset seeing me upset about it but it’s ok to show some weakness.

I’ve found being alone with teens harder than small children. But also I really like being alone with them.

A few days ago I was sorting out some things and found all these lovely cards they used to write me saying I love you mummy and it made me really think it’s ok, I have not let them down.

You can do it. It’s bloody hard

Get on to find out what benefits you can get, CSA and ask for help. It will be ok, doesn’t feel like that now but it will

MovingNextYearHopefully · 23/12/2018 21:39

So much easier in every way than being married to my ex.

Cath2907 · 23/12/2018 21:42

Newly single patented 8 weeks ago when husband left. You work hard, go to bed early and do your best. You struggle a lot but it gets easier! Some days are wonderful!

alittlepieceofme · 23/12/2018 21:48

You cope because you have to! I think you will surprise yourself how well you will do being a single parent, I know I have!

For me it hasn't been as bad as I imagined it would be but yes it is hard! You will get into new routines and find what works for you!

Good luck to you!

DontTouchTheMoustache · 23/12/2018 21:49

Hi OP, ive been on my own since DS was 2 weeks old (his dad is in prison 😕). My advice for right now is dont panic. You are obviously going to be shaken and upset but you also need to be tough and stay focussed. Be as practical as possible (it will distract you from how you are feelong as well).
Go to gov.uk website and use the benefit calculator to see what you are entitled to financially and try and apply asap.
You may be able to get a referral for a foodbank if you are really struggling, i think you can get them from doc or CAB.
Also get the ball rollg with CM. He is a total shit to do.this and should have made sure you all had enough food to last you, make sure he pays his way.
On a more personal level please try and get a friend or family member over, you need support right now. Dont be afraid to asj for help.
You can do this, keep your chin up

Onescaredmuma · 23/12/2018 21:54

Not single but what an awful situation to find yourself in I'm so sorry. You will find the strength for your boys.

Capricornandproud · 23/12/2018 21:56

Hi OP, didnt want to read and run and will reply later but when money and time allows re food...

Decent frozen stuff on hand and bollocks to the healthy brigade on here; if all they’ll eat is Alphabites and spaghetti for you then some nights thats ok. Have some handy bits in for quick meals for you all (me and my boy love beans on toast when we’ve both put in a 12 hour day of work/school/creche etc). Get some long life milk in the cupboard for emergencies and a loaf of bread for the freezer. Shop cheap and smart and I always have Weetabix in case I’m stranded... catch my drift? Stock up on medicines and items for yourself and dont be proud - get to know your neighbours or other mums with kids your age. I’m blessed with good neighbours but would have died rather than ask a favour before but no such worries now! Get all your out of hours doctors details sorted too and especially over xmas. Sending love to you.... what a shit time to do such a thing. Go easy on yourself for christmas, they’re that little you can away with a very chilled out day xx

LonelyandTiredandLow · 23/12/2018 21:58

What a dick. Ok well, short term you can deliveroo or make pancakes maybe for brekkie? Long term driving lessons are a must - I only didn't test a few years ago and it was hands down the best thing I've done in years. You can get through whatever is thrown at you one day at a time. Imnimagining there has been a lotnof drama for you, so now's your time to take some time and space and get your head in order. See if friends and family can rally a bit for some childcare. If you know any other single mums you will usually always get a listening ear from them - most of my friends now are single mums and we do try to keep each other sane and helping where we can .

Original poster

Lalallals248 · 23/12/2018 21:59

Thank you all.
To those of you concerned about us having no food, thank you but I would have been fine had it not been a Sunday with the shops shutting at 4 :(. One of the arguments that led to him leaving today was that we need to get food in and he wouldn’t drive us to asda because of the Xmas rush (he was planning on just muddling through today and tomorrow with takeaways as we were supposed to be with family all week and have put money towards Xmas food that is being kept at their houses) and I wasn’t okay with this. It sounds silly but it was just the icing on the cake! Going forward I will definitely do the shopping delivery to get food in, thank you for the tip :).
Does anyone have any idea how vendors work if you’re married and a home owner? I don’t work anymore (we made the decisions that it would be worthless to go back with the cost of childcare) so without husbands wage I have zero income :(. Can I still claim something?

OP posts:

Original poster

Lalallals248 · 23/12/2018 21:59

Benefits sorry not vendors

OP posts:

ottersswim · 23/12/2018 22:01

I know it sounds cliche but you just do it. You have to. I’ve been a single parent for 6 years and I’m finding the teen years a real struggle but onwards and upwards. You can do it. You’ll cry and shout and worry and think you’re getting it all wrong. You’re not. You’re just doing the best you can every day x

Sticklebrook · 23/12/2018 22:02

You'll cope fine, you already are.

hidinginthenightgarden · 23/12/2018 22:08

I would be willing to bet, that you have been doing the bulk of the work yourself anyway.

Finances may be difficult, but the rest you are probably nailing already!

stormsneverlast · 23/12/2018 22:15

It is doable. It can be tough and lonely but you do just get on with it. It's like when people withi6ut children ask how you afford tgem; you just do! I was widowed when my kids were 2yo and 1 week old. It was tough but we got through it. I found the loneliness the worst thing. Do you have a good group of friends around you?

I saved money where I could just in case but I haven't struggled for money yet thankfully.

Sorry this has happened to you, especially at this time of year

CandyCreeper · 24/12/2018 00:46

im a lone parent to 4 (ex doesnt see them at all) so i do it all alone. I cant say it gets easier as it hasnt but then 4 is alot different to 2, im sure you will cope. you just have to really.

BanginChoons · 24/12/2018 01:27

It's not all awful. It's tough, particularly financially, but I love being a single parent. I like that I can choose what we do and when, how I spend my money, and when I want to do the housework. My kids and I are a team, I love the relationship I have with them which is different than when my ex was around. And I love not walking on eggshells.

QwertyLou · 24/12/2018 03:13

One day at a time! Just do your best every day, you can do this! I’m not the most organised person but have developed coping strategies over time, and you will too. Hang in there

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