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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guidelines for decision-making in marriage

40 replies

urunreasonable · 23/12/2018 20:38

I appreciate the need for my wife and I to be aligned on important family decisions e.g. where to live, how many children to have, how to raise our children, when to take holiday and where to go, how to split household chores etc. I also appreciate the need to discuss and agree on anything that might impact either of our assumed personal time e.g. seeing friends or a hair appointment in the evening or at the weekend.

What kind of decisions am I allowed to make without her alignment though?

I am not talking about making decisions behind her back, but which decisions I should be expected to discuss with her and make together.

For example, AIBU to think that provided I earn an honest living, take all my holiday and work only between the hours of 9-5:30 - any decisions I make about work are my own? If I decide to slack off at work without impacting my holiday i.e. take a few leisurely hours out of work for some shopping or a kip, what then?

I feel like common-sense should prevail, but my wife seems to assume that all of her needs are going to be met by me and sees us as merged rather than integrated.

We therefore need some rules.

OP posts:
AllKinds · 23/12/2018 20:43

You sound like hard work.

paintinmyhairAgain · 23/12/2018 20:44

you might be married but you are still individual people. as long as it doesn't conflict with needs as a couple of eventual family you should both have the freedom to make personal choices. you are a couple not siamese twins. your wife is bvu if she believes you should be pandering to all her needs, she needs to take some responsbility for her own happiness and well being.

TowerRavenSeven · 23/12/2018 20:44

Dh takes the vacation time that we don't have planned for family stuff at his discretion. If he decides to take off a half day for whatever or no reason that's up to him, and I would expect the same.

MrsStrowman · 23/12/2018 20:46

As long as the decisions don't impact her, they're yours. However sneaking out of work and napping on the job could get you fired, which WILL affect her substantially

paintinmyhairAgain · 23/12/2018 20:47

you don't need 'rules' to live by, just understanding and compromise on both sides, good communication is everything.

TowerRavenSeven · 23/12/2018 20:47

Was that even what you were asking, by your post it's hard to tell!

blueshoes · 23/12/2018 20:47

Surely you knew how clingy or independent your wife is before you got married. That is a big factor in compatibility IMO.

To answer your question, I would think you can make all the decisions on your own re: leisurely hours out of work, so long as she has the same time out and is not, for example, left looking after a baby at home whilst you bunk off.

Whether she wants equal time on her own depends on her, which brings me back to my original point on compatibility.

MrsTerryPratcett · 23/12/2018 20:50

What's her argument about it?

Original poster
urunreasonable · 23/12/2018 21:05

Thanks, there is no specific argument. It's just a general realisation that she seems to think she should have input on all of the decisions I make, even when they don't impact her and have no risk of ever impacting her.

She is quite a jealous person, so that may be a factor here.

OP posts:
MiraculousMarinette · 23/12/2018 21:07

It's quite hard to understand what exactly you are saying. You wrote a lot of words but the essence really escapes me. Can you formulate your issue in a more concise way? Give examples?

MrsTerryPratcett · 23/12/2018 21:12

You wrote a lot of words but the essence really escapes me.

Me too. Which makes me think maybe you and your wife can't talk to each other. Because you don't seem to be very good at articulating actual facts. Arguing about concepts is really frustrating.

Original poster
urunreasonable · 23/12/2018 21:20

I gave a hint in my post, but didn't want to make it about a specific issue. There is a general trend here, with my wife not being clear on the boundaries.

The recent and specific example is that I had an opportunity to take some hours out of work, and chose to use them for shopping and sleeping.

I got home earlier than I would have usually been expected, but subsequently learnt that my "decision" to use that time for myself was a decision we should have made together. The moment I stopped working was "our time" and "not my time".

I am willing to admit it was selfish. I just draw the line at being told that the use of that time was a joint decision.

OP posts:
Hidillyho · 23/12/2018 21:24

I just took 2 weeks off to sleep and nap. I didn’t discuss it with DP because it didn’t impact him. If I had wanted him to be off the same time I would have discussed it with him so we could plan it.
We kind of just go with the flow with most things. We usually mention things in an asking sort of way (can I go out Friday evening) but this is more of a ‘I want to go out Friday are you ok to stay in with the toddler and deal with them whilst I am hungover’ sort of asking rather than permission asking

Waddsup12 · 23/12/2018 21:26

She probably thought you were off nobbing someone.

The day I decided to mind my own business as my DH is an adult was a good one. However, the day he started being hunted by a colleague, I took more interest again, as he needed a bit of support.

Set boundaries but be trustworthy. Interdependent, not co-dependent.

Original poster
urunreasonable · 23/12/2018 21:28

Did you say "hunted"?

OP posts:
Waddsup12 · 23/12/2018 21:33

Ha, ha, yes. Think she was bored with her DH and was on the lurk.

HeddaGarbled · 23/12/2018 21:33

I think I’d like to know her reason. It’s just before Christmas - if she’s been run off her feet preparing for Christmas and you used your free time to indulge yourself instead of pulling your weight at home, I can see her point.

Are you trying to wriggle out of a single act of selfishness, by trying to make this a wider issue of decision-making/personal freedom etc, rather than just admitting that she has reason to be aggrieved on this particular occasion?

CardsforKittens · 23/12/2018 21:34

The way you tell it I'm inclined to agree with you, but I'd be interested in hearing your wife's perspective.

I don't think couples necessarily need to make all decisions together, but I do think we need to have some level of accountability to each other for our time and energy. I wouldn't be unhappy if my partner took a day off work to shop and sleep, unless he was way behind on his share of the housework for example (although I might ask why, rather than getting annoyed).

Kitkatmonster · 23/12/2018 21:39

I have no issue with my dh doing something like this, neither would he with me. The difference however is that we would probably mention it to the other beforehand. In a normal conversation post kids bedtime or over dinner. “Oh btw, I’m finishing early tomorrow so going to pop to xxxx. Do you need anything picking up while I’m there?”
Communication might be key here OP.

Cyw2018 · 23/12/2018 21:40

I also appreciate the need to discuss and agree on anything that might impact either of our assumed personal time e.g. seeing friends or a hair appointment in the evening or at the weekend.

I would disagree with that. You are individuals and should be able to make you own plans, whilst respecting the other. So dh and I wouldn't "discuss and agree", more 'consult' with the other to make sure there weren't already major plans or 'inform' the other so that we both know what is going on.

I do not need my dh permission or approval to do things and he does not need mine.

ILovePierceBrosnan · 23/12/2018 21:43

My partner and I usually ask “what are you up to today” but it’s only for interest and life changes so we don’t hold each other to it. I’d never normally dream of commenting on what he does with his day.

However...if regularly I worked all day, took responsibility for childcare, domestic tasks and came home to find he’d taken the day to nap I might feel peeved. As an occasional I’d probably wonder if he was ok as sleeping in the daytime is highly unusual.

He’d be really pleased to find I took time out for myself.

So context here is important. Does she get an equal amount of free time?

Kitkatmonster · 23/12/2018 21:43

Further thought - we have no idea of your family circumstances. If you are taking ‘time for yourself’ while your wife is at home with a newborn and a toddler with barely a moment to wee unaccompanied, then taking time to shop and sleep without offering her some support or the opportunity for the same would be pretty selfish and I’d be mad if you were my OH.

ILovePierceBrosnan · 23/12/2018 21:46

I don’t book hair appts or any other time with him but then we don’t have children who need looking after.

I do tell him if I’m going away with work or taking a holiday with older children. Last year I booked three city breaks without discussion and informed him. We use a calendar and make sure someone is always home for only DD still living at home.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 23/12/2018 21:46

I think with the example you've given, it depends on a lot of factors.

My husband has been working long hours the last few weeks, often abroad or away and leaving me to do dinner and bedtimes by myself for a 1 and 3 year old, who have been taking it in turns to be ill for ages. It's been hard on me. And him. But if he had a spare afternoon and used it to do his hobby while I'm knackered and ill and could really do with a break as well, yes it would piss me off. Why should one of you have leisure time when the other is on their knees.

If your kids are older and in school and there are no other issues (eg a child with SEN needing round the clock care) your wife has plenty of down time and time to relax then it's fair you do as well.

It's about making sure you both have the same opportunities for down time and hobbies etc. If she never ever gets the chance to just lie down for a couple of hours then I can see why she resented that you did

CheshireChat · 23/12/2018 21:47

If you had a nice leisurely rest and she's dealing with the Christmas madness then I get why she's annoyed.

I wouldn't be too bothered normally, but if DP had done this when I was suffering with PND... You get the picture.