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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Guidelines for decision-making in marriage

40 replies

urunreasonable · 23/12/2018 20:38

I appreciate the need for my wife and I to be aligned on important family decisions e.g. where to live, how many children to have, how to raise our children, when to take holiday and where to go, how to split household chores etc. I also appreciate the need to discuss and agree on anything that might impact either of our assumed personal time e.g. seeing friends or a hair appointment in the evening or at the weekend.

What kind of decisions am I allowed to make without her alignment though?

I am not talking about making decisions behind her back, but which decisions I should be expected to discuss with her and make together.

For example, AIBU to think that provided I earn an honest living, take all my holiday and work only between the hours of 9-5:30 - any decisions I make about work are my own? If I decide to slack off at work without impacting my holiday i.e. take a few leisurely hours out of work for some shopping or a kip, what then?

I feel like common-sense should prevail, but my wife seems to assume that all of her needs are going to be met by me and sees us as merged rather than integrated.

We therefore need some rules.

OP posts:

m0therofdragons · 23/12/2018 21:47

It depends. It's nearly Christmas so my to do list is extensive so if Dh chose to take a couple of hours to do nothing for the family while I'm running round like an idiot I'd be pissed off.

On a normal day, I'd expect Dh to mention it. "I've got some lieu time to take and just want to slob out and play PS4 to switch off" not asking permission but communicating needs/plans is what a partnership is.

picklemebaubles · 23/12/2018 21:48

Generally, DH and I expect to know where each other are. If I rang him at work and he had taken some hours off without mentioning it, I'd want to know why. He doesn't know where I am so much, but that is because my days are less routine than his. When I was teaching full time, I'd let him know if I was training or on a trip for example.

It isn't about permission, so much as communication.

m0therofdragons · 23/12/2018 21:49

@picklemebaubles haha great minds and all that

ferntwist · 23/12/2018 21:51

Your wife sounds unnecessarily controlling over your life. No way should you have to check with her about how to spend a couple of free hours when you’d otherwise be working.

MiraculousMarinette · 23/12/2018 21:59

If we were to take your words at their face value then it does seem your wife is trying to micromanage your time. Taking a few hours off work really doesn't need to be a decision made jointly.

NarwalPap3r3 · 23/12/2018 22:13

Someone once told me that marriage was all about compromise. However, from my point of view there are some things that I would not compromise on. So I guess in that case you would have to find a happy medium or separate.

Stompythedinosaur · 23/12/2018 22:17

You don't sound like you like her much.

Like others, I'm left wondering if the issue is that you are having lovely leisure time while she is juggling things, if that's the case I would say you are being unfair.

Everyone gets equal leisure time here.

ems137 · 23/12/2018 22:27

I'd be pissed off of my DH did that. But that's because I get next to ZERO time for myself and he already gets many many hours each week.

If your times to yourselves is fairly equal then I agree with you. If your situation is more like my own I agree with your wife.

WipsGlitter · 23/12/2018 22:29

I wouldn't dream of running a hair appointment past DH. I'll ask at the weekend goes he have plans and if he dues we can usually work it out.

It all sounds a bit stifling and hard work.

Ellisandra · 23/12/2018 22:32

My husband and I are pretty independent. I work abroad a lot, and half the time he doesn’t even know which country I’m in.

But I can’t imagjne booking holiday that he doesn’t know about.

Not because we have to seek permission. Just... it’s general chat.

MillieMoodle · 23/12/2018 22:49

We discuss everything and I will always run things by DH before confirming plans, as he will with me. If I book a hair appointment, I need to know he's free to look after the DC, just as he does if he wants to go to the football or something.

I honestly wouldn't dream of taking time off work to sleep, especially not when he's at home with one small child all day (two during school hols). My annual leave is planned around what fits in best with our family, I wouldn't take a day off just for me. I might leave work early every now and then to pop to the shops but I'd always let him know what I'm doing first.

rookiemere · 23/12/2018 22:58

If you have DCs who still require constant looking after i.e. under 10 , then both of you need to be a family unit. That's not to say that you never get any slack time, but would extend the same courtesy to your DW. It's very hard to tell from your post what the actual situation is, but say your DW does all nursery pick ups and you get off work early I would expect you to let her know and do the pick up yourself

AnnaMariaDreams · 23/12/2018 23:01

DH makes the important decisions- what religion we should be, what political party we should support, leave/ remain. I make the less important decisions- where we live, what we do for work, what school DS should attend and where we should go in holiday.

Just reminded me of an old joke, that’s all

itsalmostfriday · 23/12/2018 23:02

Yanbu

Maelstrop · 23/12/2018 23:06

I don't think you sound like hard work (unless there are small DC involved and your wife is looking after them with no or little input from you)

What I do at work is my business, I will tell my dh what I'm doing, say I'll be late one day due to a meeting/wanting to go shopping etc. I don't ask permission, nor would he expect me to ask.

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