AIBU? probably yes

[frankiegoestobirmingham]

So bit of backstory. We have lost two pregnancies (one at about 12 weeks) and I'm currently 14 weeks. Excited but very scared. Trying to throw myself into it and embrace the fact that so far (touch wood) everything is going well.

I do not have a good relationship with ILs and we have very limited contact. Mil has openly told dh I am not good enough for him etc. Dh has defended me as I have never done anything to get this treatment and she has backed down. There is a huge backstory but the main thing here is we have a polite relationship where we see each other maybe once every 3 months. Dh stays in touch with his dad maybe texting once a week or so.

Since telling them we are pregnant they have been very OTT (think telling me off for drinking coffee (decaf!) etc). I feel a bit suffocated by this as I know they do not like me so are only really interested because of baby but I am trying to be positive and hope this is the beginning of a better relationship for us all.

Here is my AIBU! We started telling people about baby last week, friends and family. FIL has emailed dh a list of relatives (some I have never met and some dh has never seen in 10 years) saying he must ring them to tell them about baby. Mil is saying on Boxing Day we must go to see her friends and dhs distant relatives as they need to be told and some want to see us. I feel smothered. I know I'm being unreasonable. I know they are just excited. But I feel like I don't know any of these people, dh doesn't know half of these people. I'm terrified something will go wrong. I don't want to be the source of gossip. I know that sounds daft but I've heard mil and sil talking about random people before saying quite personal things about their lives in a really casual way. I don't want us to be that. God I know I'm being weird. I don't even know how to express how I feel!

Someone please come put me in my place 🙈🤦🏻‍♀️

I should say my thing about Boxing Day is because I only get two days off and I don't really want to spend Boxing Day trailing round the houses of people I don't know before we make the 4 hour journey home.

Get your husband to say no.

Crazy nonsense even without the backstory of MIL being a pain.

Are you staying up there over Christmas? Really? How awful. Get DH to say you will be leaving on Boxing Day after breakfast. And get the hell out of there!

Are you seeing in-laws on Christmas Day? Or just Boxing Day? I would simply tell her you're having a quietChristmas and won't be visiting anyone. Or better still get your DH to tell her.

YANBU. Say no. You do not have to visit or tell anyone else. I would just say that you have changed your plans and you'll be driving home straight after breakfast.

Sorry for the confusion we are actually staying with my parents. I've never been invited to ILs for Christmas (I've posted on here before but under a different name) so we are going to my mum and dads then seeing ils Boxing Day.

No way. I would say that I didn't feel well and didn't want to go to strangers' houses.

A severe attack of morning sickness meaning you can't possibly travel/leave your bed would do the trick.

In that case tell in-laws you'll be visiting one house (parents in law) only.

No discussion

Mil is currently on the phone saying we must go see her friends new gc. I know this woman hates me. 😩

Dh is saying we should go see one of them as he has known them since he was a child and was close to them then. My attitude is I know they don't like me and I don't want to go sit in their house when we haven't seen them for years (other than our wedding where they refused to speak to me) and won't see them again for years! I've said dh can go but I won't be. I'll stay playing with my nieces and nephews :-)

I would cry off with terrible morning sickness and say you need to spend the day at home in bed. YANBU.

I think the visiting I'm not being unreasonable but I probably am about them wanting to ring round and let everyone know. I am just so protective over this baby already and I feel like saying why should all these random people know when we don't have any relationship with them?! I know that's crazy and it's not a big deal really.

You have terrible morning sickness and being in the car just makes it worse. Stay at your parents whilst your DH goes and tells them if he wants to. I hated this about being pregnant, family I'd not spoken to in years suddenly expecting visits just so they would get to see the new baby. Make it clear you aren't going to be traipsing round to see all these people now, otherwise you'll end up being expected to when the babies born.

Just tell the in laws to tell all their friends and relatives themselves. My mum just told her friends when I was pregnant and MIL told her friends - no biggie. Just make sure you've told everyone you personally want to tell first.

@Ceecee18 yes this is my worry. We live so far away we never see any of these people but I think the expectation from Ila is we will be. They've already said about coming up more to see baby. It all makes me very anxious as I am keen for baby steps in terms of building the relationship. And as much as I'm trying I can't stop the little voice in the back of my head that says I'm just a vessel for their grandchild.

You need to nip mil micro managing your life in the bud op.
Now well before the baby arrives.

@Santaisonthesherry I'm sat with dh having a chat now :-( I think he is very much in the obligation and guilt stage of his relationship with them. Often when I ask why he goes out of his way to do something for them he admits he doesn't want to but feels he has to.

The last thing you need is ANY stress! Either get your DH to say no to his mother, or pull an excuse like morning sickness. Whichever sits easier.

Do they know about your miscarriage?

Get DH to tell them that you are feeling emotionally vulnerable and not ready to share your pregnancy with people you don't know very well. There will be plenty of time to get to know relatives over the next 20 years.

@ForgivenessIsDivine

Yes they are aware, think because we have started telling people they just have. I know I need to get over my anxiety

Remind your dh the beauty of being a real grown up is you get to make your own decisions!! The days of dm setting your schedule are long gone!!

Your DH can go trailing round half the world to satisfy his own guilt if he must but don't let yourself get sucked into their nonsense. Seriously if you give in to this it.will be the tip of the iceberg.

Your dh needs to grow a pair and say no!

You don't need do 'get over your anxiety'. It is perfectly reasonable to feel protective of your space. There are biological reasons for this as well as emotional ones.

I thought social media was invented so we can share news like this with people we care enough about to let them know but not so much we want to go out of our way to see them in person??? 🤔

I would say no and continue saying it throughout your pregnancy because I suspect you’ll be needing to say it an awful lot more once your baby is here!

I hope all goes well for you and I’m sorry for your loss.