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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? probably yes

40 replies

frankiegoestobirmingham · 23/12/2018 17:35

So bit of backstory. We have lost two pregnancies (one at about 12 weeks) and I'm currently 14 weeks. Excited but very scared. Trying to throw myself into it and embrace the fact that so far (touch wood) everything is going well.

I do not have a good relationship with ILs and we have very limited contact. Mil has openly told dh I am not good enough for him etc. Dh has defended me as I have never done anything to get this treatment and she has backed down. There is a huge backstory but the main thing here is we have a polite relationship where we see each other maybe once every 3 months. Dh stays in touch with his dad maybe texting once a week or so.

Since telling them we are pregnant they have been very OTT (think telling me off for drinking coffee (decaf!) etc). I feel a bit suffocated by this as I know they do not like me so are only really interested because of baby but I am trying to be positive and hope this is the beginning of a better relationship for us all.

Here is my AIBU! We started telling people about baby last week, friends and family. FIL has emailed dh a list of relatives (some I have never met and some dh has never seen in 10 years) saying he must ring them to tell them about baby. Mil is saying on Boxing Day we must go to see her friends and dhs distant relatives as they need to be told and some want to see us. I feel smothered. I know I'm being unreasonable. I know they are just excited. But I feel like I don't know any of these people, dh doesn't know half of these people. I'm terrified something will go wrong. I don't want to be the source of gossip. I know that sounds daft but I've heard mil and sil talking about random people before saying quite personal things about their lives in a really casual way. I don't want us to be that. God I know I'm being weird. I don't even know how to express how I feel!

Someone please come put me in my place 🙈🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

LeilaDarling · 23/12/2018 19:44

Set boundaries very early on with these people or they will spoil your pregnancy and early baby bonding days x

Maelstrop · 23/12/2018 19:44

You need to stop them trying to manage you. Who goes round telling their parents' friends that they're expecting? So weird. Who obeys their parents every weird request? Your DH needs to realize that you will not be told what to do by his parents and if they want a relationship, they need to back the fuck off and go slow to build it rather than steam roller you both like this when they've clearly been horrible to you in recent years.

TartedUpYard · 23/12/2018 19:51

I had 2 miscarriages before having dc1. I also had in-laws with boundary issues although nowhere near this level of nonsense. I can only tell you what I wish I'd done - nip it in the bud now. I had no end of in-laws overstepping the mark with my baby. It was a miserable time. I made sure it didn't happen with DC2. What are they going to do if you don't follow their orders? Not much. You hold the cards here provided your husband is backing you up. Be brave and say no. Set the boundaries now. I know it's not easy and I wish you the best.

Everydayisdragging · 23/12/2018 19:51

No way! Dh is welcome to ring round but why should you visit to announce pregnancy news? Your dc isn't here yet so nothing to miss out on V weird stick to your guns, mil is being a dick

ScabbyHorse · 23/12/2018 19:59

I would leave the whole Boxing Day thing completely and just visit your parents Christmas Day. You'll be tired after Christmas Day as it is. And it's supposed to be a holiday! They don't get to dictate what you do. You're an adult now and need to take it easy.

SunnyCoco · 23/12/2018 20:05

Oh god you are definitely NOT BU
I’ve experienced awful Losses too, and I understand and sympathise with the total fear and anxiety you must be going through.

Until baby is here safe and sound in your arms, don’t feel obliged to tell anyone / meet anyone / anything else. Do what YOU want.

All best wishes for a healthy and happy 2nd and 3rd trimester and a positive birth experience

99RedBalloonsFloating · 23/12/2018 20:05

It's your pregnancy your body your baby your life your information and they have no rights over any of this.

They are the ones who are making unreasonable demands and they've done one on you again! saying no should not make you feel uncomfortable. Just say no and continue to say no!

Returnofthesmileybar · 23/12/2018 20:05

This is where is would great pleasure in ever so sweetly saying: "Mil/Fill, you have only ever wanted to see me every three months and never taken and interest so the precedent has been set by you and now that I am pregnant nothing will change, 3 monthly visits is how it shall remain and no need for you to recommend visitors, you didn't do it before so no need to be doing it now"

coffeekittens · 23/12/2018 20:07

YANBU at all, it’s really weird that they want you to visit THEIR friends to tell them, like WTAF is that about? Congratulations on the pregnancy

Namenic · 23/12/2018 20:30

Say u are nervous about the pregnancy -because u are - so don’t want to travel, make visits as physically and mentally exhausting (DH can make the journeys and talk to ppl). When baby comes, consider organising a party so u can get all the visits in one go and less travelling for you.

IncomingCannonFire · 23/12/2018 20:41

Yanbu and it's not anxiety.
It is not a thing to go visiting random strangers to tell them you're pregnant. I'd start drawing away from pil because they will be completely overbearing when baby arrives (they will want to be the first to see the baby). Then I imagine they will be zero actual help just a series of Simmons to show off your baby to their friends.
Nip it in the bud now.
I became very, very protective of ds1. Ds2 I relaxed a bit but didn't put up with any nonsense and was more confident.
You will feel very vulnerable with a newborn and need supportive people around.
Your dh needs to get on-board with this.

Original poster

frankiegoestobirmingham · 23/12/2018 22:01

Thank you all for your advice :-) I know you are right, I'm just worried I am so anxious over this pregnancy that I'm nitpicking 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway we have both agreed we won't be visiting anyone other than PILs on Boxing Day :-) dh hasn't rang any of his distant relatives yet. We have discussed this too and he said he feels as they are family he should ring and let them know but he has made no move to do so (says he is in no rush!). Fil has emailed us both asking if they have been told but dh has not replied and I rarely check my emails so I'm pretending I haven't seen it!

I think at some point (probably after Christmas) we are going to sit down and have a chat with ILs in regards to after the birth etc. We are going to start dropping little things into conversation (like our plans to see people at our own pace etc) so that pils know we have made a united decision. Dh has said he will deal with any problems :-) and he has said to me that because we are so far away it will be easy to manage expectations :-) hopefully he is right!

OP posts:

ThanosSavedMe · 23/12/2018 22:07

You do not have to go anywhere or tell anyone anything.

You do need to get your dh to see how ridiculous his mum is being and that he needs to see you and the baby as his family and that you come first not his mum.

posthistoricmonsters · 23/12/2018 22:11

Entitled wankers.
Stick to your guns always.
I wish I had with my first baby.
I'm sorry for your losses also. Been there. Last thing I'd want is people assuming they could make me parade myself and my pregnancy round strangers, including ones who openly didn't like me.
Not my place, none of their business.
His family can pass the news on -it should not be left to you. DH can start a chain, so people he rings can pass on the news.
Can't stand family like this. It was my XH's nan who was our problem and we were both 24 and naive and shy and awkward and we let her walk right over us. She even tried to get onto the ward when I was in labour, I told the staff she wasn't welcome as I didn't even really know her, I just wanted my ex and my mum (who managed to arrive shortly after the birth, haha). She kept turning up on our doorstep whenever she felt like it and disturbing the baby with her camera. You don't need that sort of shot and probably worse, from the sounds of your ILs.

jackio2205 · 23/12/2018 22:17

What the hell has it got to do with anyone who you tell and don't tell. It's your baby and only natural you're going to feel protective, after my miscarrige I didn't feel I could celebrate my pregnancy until 20 weeks or so (just ultra paranoid so don't follow my lead here....!). It's really not about your in laws and theyre being mega selfish making you tell everyone, people you've not even met, how random to be like 'oh hi nice to meet you I'm pregnant'? Of course if you want to tell everyone, go for it, but it's 100% your body, your baby and you should start as you mean to go on, include them but show them you are in charge of what's going on xxx

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