Parents belittling me for how much I earn

[humansantapede]

My parents are very materialistic - they are comfortably off but always have to have the latest cars, shop exclusively in Ted Baker, Karen Millen etc. They always make comments about having the biggest house on the street or not understanding why someone might buy a Ford over an Audi etc. They have lived quite sheltered lives I would say and for the town that they live in are quite wealthy.

My dad in particular is obsessed with what other people earn, including me. He’s always quizzing me on what I earn and making pitying comments. Eg ‘next year you might get a payrise and then earn sensible money’ etc.

Full disclosure: I’m 28 and my basic salary is 30k, I also have a lodger (have my own house) who pays £500pm so actually my monthly income is closer to 2.5k. I’m single with no kids and low outgoings so don’t struggle to afford much. I don’t have a car as I live in the centre of a large city (not London) - although I know my parents look down on me for this - I sold my car to buy the house. My job has scope for promotion etc and I earn more than lots of my peers at work.

I never worry about the salary until I come home - which I have for Christmas - I’ve been here 2 hours and already had to defend my earnings twice. He’s really disappointed that I’m the ‘clever’ child but I don’t earn enough.

So firstly should I be feeling this inadequate? And secondly how do I stop?

In the region where I live that’s pretty decent wage!!!

Just don’t engage. It’s vulgar, rude, and patronising of him. Just say “oh for goodness sake dad, change the record. I’m not discussing it. End of” You do NOT need to defend yourself.

My dads also obsessed with who earns what, probs my because he wasn’t a high earner. He also used to try to control me with money when I was younger. We were on holiday not that long ago - at the time I was a partner in a law firm earning quite a whack - he said something like “if you don’t behave I won’t buy your dinner tonight”. I replied with “dad, I earn more than you do I can buy my own dinner thanks”. He stomped off and my mum high fived me!!

He made me very obsessed with money for a long time and with comparing myself to others and I had massive insecurities and never felt good enough - I eventually realised where it came from and that actually, earning loads in a v stressful job made me v unhappy so I quit!!! He was not happy, more I think because he could no longer brag to his mates about how “well” I’d done in life. He once said (when I was a partner) “it will be interesting to see who earns more, you or x” (my cousin who is a surgeon in the US). Complete nob when it comes to this sort of stuff and I’m never going to say stuff like that to my child.

Sad thing is, my brother is now a bit the same and even asked what my OH earns (which I swiftly said was none of his beeswax!!)

You are on a good salary at £30k, especially for your age. And it's now quite unusual for a single person to be able to buy in their twenties, so you are doing really well.

But even if you earned £15,000, if you could manage on that and you were happy, it would not be appropriate for him to dig at you about it.

Tell him to mind his own business!

He sounds a bit tacky with his focus on money and outwardly showing he's got enough. Perhaps play him at his own game and start to say this. Ask him why he's so obsessed with showing he's got enough money. You could even hint it is a bit tacky! Let's face it he's being rude to you I think he could take a bit back.

As you say lots of very wealthy people aren't concerned with these things. You sound like you're doing well for yourself financially. If you enjoy your job too that's a bonus. So I really don't think you should not feel insecure. That's neither here nor there though as even if you earned less its rude to comment.

'You could always make up the difference in my wage dad!' And when he declines..
'No? You don't want to do that? Shut up then.'

You're earning a decent wage, you have your own house.
As long as the bills are paid and you're happy nothing else matters.

When I finished university and got the job I needed to get me along my career track I was delighted and called my parents. My Dad literally said ‘how much’. Twenty years later I get constant comments about when will be getting next promotion. Hard to do but only way is to tune it out

Congratulations, OP!

1. You are doing really well, earning well and making good use of your money, buying your own house

And

1. You have not inherited your parents’ knobbish attitudes !

You could try saying, with maximum head tilt “It’s funny, now my job and social life means I mix with seriously wealthy people I find they never talk about money, or judge people by what they buy”

This is so sad. A parent is meant to have your back. To be a safety net if you fall or cheering when you soar, but always on your side no matter what. 100% team You.

They need reminding of that, and sternly.

Idiots.