Parents belittling me for how much I earn

[humansantapede]

My parents are very materialistic - they are comfortably off but always have to have the latest cars, shop exclusively in Ted Baker, Karen Millen etc. They always make comments about having the biggest house on the street or not understanding why someone might buy a Ford over an Audi etc. They have lived quite sheltered lives I would say and for the town that they live in are quite wealthy.

My dad in particular is obsessed with what other people earn, including me. He’s always quizzing me on what I earn and making pitying comments. Eg ‘next year you might get a payrise and then earn sensible money’ etc.

Full disclosure: I’m 28 and my basic salary is 30k, I also have a lodger (have my own house) who pays £500pm so actually my monthly income is closer to 2.5k. I’m single with no kids and low outgoings so don’t struggle to afford much. I don’t have a car as I live in the centre of a large city (not London) - although I know my parents look down on me for this - I sold my car to buy the house. My job has scope for promotion etc and I earn more than lots of my peers at work.

I never worry about the salary until I come home - which I have for Christmas - I’ve been here 2 hours and already had to defend my earnings twice. He’s really disappointed that I’m the ‘clever’ child but I don’t earn enough.

So firstly should I be feeling this inadequate? And secondly how do I stop?

Tell them to sod off! And when they start with the bragging 'biggest house' comments say something like, "you know, not everyone is into status symbols. Actually, people with real class would find your bragging rather vulgar".

My exes extended family were very like this. So much status anxiety!

"Dad, I don't want to be like you so I haven't chosen the same lifestyle.
Stand up for yourself, tell them you think materialistic people are a bit dim.

Its a need to now basis and you don’t need to know.

I prefer to keep my monetary situation private as I wouldn’t want to embarrass anyone with how much more than them I earn.

Urghhh I really can’t stand people who judge others for their income or educational status. There’s a huge element of luck and circumstances in however people end up financially and otherwise. I dread to think what your parents would think of our situation - dh working full time on minimum wage, me being a stay at home parent and 2 dcs, one of which has severe autism. But we’re happy...! I actually gave up a good, high earning job as a marketing manager because I hated my job and would rather be home with the dc, whereas dh enjoys his job and is happy to work! Money isn’t everything.

Just ignore them. You’re doing incredibly well for yourself in financial terms- owning your own home, having a high salary etc at your age is something few people now have. Your parents sound ridiculously judgemental.

You aren’t at all inadequate. If you were my DD I would be very proud of you.
You know it’s him not you but I don’t think much you can do can change him. Just change the way you react. That isn’t to say that it stops being hurtful or unkind or all about him, the old bore, but then it’s the one thing you can control.
In your head count each and every time he mentions your earnings. Count every embarrassing small-town big-man boast. Have a bet with yourself how long it’ll take before the next comment. It might help deal with the endless rudeness.
Or laugh at him. People really hate that.

You're pretty young and you have a house, go you!

I've never earnt a lot of money but have got to mix a lot and really people with proper cash don't give a monkeys.

They might be suffering a bit with status issues.

www.alaindebotton.com/status/

Tell him he is being rude and sounds just like a male version of Hyacinth Bucket!! Money is not something that “we’ll bred” people talk about - and certainly in not such a fashion.

Also doesn’t he know that it’s much better to have a smaller house in a better neighbourhood than vice versa??

You sound like you are doing very well OP and should be proud of yourself

Ted baker and Karen Mullen

Hardly the cover poster for quality! (Plus a little ahem young for your parents perhaps?)

Interesting and I completely understand why you are irritated by your family's pecuniary concerns and see it as no concern of theirs.

However, (you knew there was one coming) there's quite a bit of anecdata that indicates the reluctance to talk about money, earnings and wealth is one of the significant factors holding women back from full pay equality.

I get that you are satisfied with your career and earnings to date, but a healthy curiosity prevents you from being sold short. I do not mean this provocatively, just as a comment.

Very crass, money does not buy class. Just tell them that your finances are non of their business, and you will not discuss it with them further. Really that behaviour would minimise my contact with them.

You sound very together OP, more than most people of your age. Try to ignore your parents. They sound really sad and insecure and only concerned about status, labels and money.

I have DCs around the same age as you and none of them earn as much as you but I’m so proud of them because they are decent, kind people. Your dad sounds like someone who knows the cost of everything but the value of nothing that actually matters.

You need to tell him to stop the comments. No need to be sarcastic, rude or dramatic just tell him to stop because you don’t like it.

I'd just make up some nonsense every time the subject is dredged up.

Dad - stop asking me about money/being a snob, or I'll go home.
And do it.

i think its less about what you earn hun and it not being good enough and more how your parents treat u and look down on you.your wage cold be more or less than that but your parents aren't seemingly proud of you for doing well.many people earn less than you and have still done brilliantly to get their jobs and some more.its more about your parents needing to be proud of whatever you've achieved because that in itself is brilliant.
and if they don't it can hurt.but you must take that on board after a time because its not worth your emotional health deteriating over what others think.look back at all you've achieved.look at how you live your day.your job.your home.your hobbies.fun times.are you happy with it.are you kind proud you've grown to be the woman you are.becasue you should be and no one can take that from you.
you parents should be proud of you.and if they are that is on them.not you.

What does your mother say when you father makes these cutting, unnecessary remarks?

If she sticks by him and doesn't defend you against his emotional abuse, then I'd question why you want them in your life if all they do is chip away at your self- confidence. You don't need to be defined by your bank account.

I just don't get why people even think that's a good way to be.

You are doing really well. Just say 'I make plenty thank you and what I earn is my business'

'Dad you are on three counts and I'm out. Twice I have had to defend my personal finances and if I had to do it a third, I am happy to spend MY money getting home or going to a hotel.'

The ironic thing is that since I have moved away and left home, gone to uni etc I have met truly wealthy people and they don't talk about money half as much!!

You're absolutely right, and it's not really ironic at all, when you think about it: your dad's comments comments (and behavior) come from a deep well of insecurity.

If you want to address it head on, you could say, "Dad, I'm really proud of how hard I've worked to get to where I am. I wish you could be proud of me too, but it's clear that you're not." If he's a halfway decent father, that should emotion-shame him into shutting up.

If it doesn't, I would tell him that not only do you not want to talk about it, but if he starts talking about it you'll walk out of the room (and if it keeps happening, you'll be gone). The problem with that is that you have to stick to it, but it can be very effective.

Tell him you are worried that if you earn more you will end up a snob like him. That should shut him up.

My mother's classic. "Such a shame dd doesn't have a pony; you had everything as a child". "Yes mother, ponies are tricky in zone 2 London" Inwardly "who cares, dd has love".

What was the equivalent of £30k when he was 28.

Would be ironic if you actually earned more.

OP, I wouldn’t even engage with your parents about your salary. As soon as they begin just say the conversation is not happening. If they are so obsessed with what you earn then you will not be spending time with them, Christmas or otherwise. I’d add their attitude is crass, vulgar and, quite frankly, embarrassing.

Draw a line it he sand with them. They need to back off and keep their shit opinions to themselves. Give them the ultimatum and mean it.

TBH, OP, you sound remarkably ‘together’ and ‘sorted’ which your parents should be proud of. Much more remarkable considering the parents you have.

'Mum, Dad please can you stop referring to my salary, it's really inappropriate and I don't like it'

Are you happy in your job? Do you feel when the pressure is on at work that you can rise to the challenge and feel invigorated by it? Do you see there are opportunities to develop your skills so maintaining your employability? If yes, you are minted!