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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this frustrating.. fair kids xmas gifts

61 replies

thefinn · 23/12/2018 14:52

So DH and I are childless however we have loads of lovely nieces and nephews from his side of the family. My dh is already tired of buying for the children, I personally am not (we get nothing in return which is a nonissue for me) however BIL and SIL insist that same exact amount is spent on all their 3 dc. One of the dc, the oldest is saving whereas the younger two wanted special items. AIBU or would we be not to top up the cash gifts for the other two to exactly match the eldest childs cash? The difference is like 50/35/35... I am ill and we can't really come up with anything extra. Christmas eve is the main day here. The inlaws are the type of people to check the exact value. The entire reason for me not to automatically do as demanded is mumset. I think I am being nice to them and that this should not be a problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
thefinn · 23/12/2018 14:54

posted too soon. the eldest is getting the cash. the younger two gifts.. what they were wishing for. so the difference is 15 euros.. almost equal to 15 pounds.

OP posts:
BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 23/12/2018 14:55

Can't you just give the eldest less cash?

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 23/12/2018 14:55

I’d get them nowt and say why.

Gifts are to be offered, not demanded. How rude!

Belindabauer · 23/12/2018 14:56

No I think that's fine, especially since younger children are not do seemed about monetary value. I think you are spending a lot. If your sil and bil complain I would stop buying things for their children.

MyNewBearTotoro · 23/12/2018 14:56

How old are the children? Are they old enough to know that you’d spent unequal amounts? If they are I can see your IL’s point - my siblings and I had a lot of sibling rivalry and I think it would have caused arguments and upset if one of us received a much more expensive gift/ cash amount than the others. If they’re old enough to know I would just give the eldest £35 so it equals what you’ve spent on gifts for the other two.

If the eldest is much older and the youngest too little to really know the value of gifts then I wouldn’t worry about what your IL’s are going to think.

Holidayshopping · 23/12/2018 14:58

Give £35 cash.

Original poster
thefinn · 23/12/2018 14:59

Thank you. I could rip the envelope open and put the odd amount there but we have always tried to be fair and she is quite a bit older than the other two. Maybe i should do that? I couldnt personally care less... if my kids all got what they wanted. But then not a parent. Ages are 11, nearly 7 and 3

OP posts:
Original poster
thefinn · 23/12/2018 15:01

I am sure the children themselves would be none the wiser. And it has gone the other way other years... but best to play it safe. The eldest has done such a good job saving for this item she wants so I thought that was fine...thanks. Somehow i thought 35 is an odd amount to give.

OP posts:
ThisIsM · 23/12/2018 15:01

Agree, why can't you give the eldest £35 cash? Confused

Dontknowwhatimdoing · 23/12/2018 15:04

35 is an odd amount to give, but its their daft rule.

Original poster
thefinn · 23/12/2018 15:06

I can give her the 35 in cash. just means i have to rip one envelope open and split a note. I guess i found the demands rude considering all of it plus my DH's comments. But that's the right thing to do. What she is saving for is a pet and I symphatise! :D thanks everyone.

OP posts:
ShadowWeaver · 23/12/2018 15:06

I'd bet the parents would change their minds if they knew they were getting less rather than more. A shame for the eldest though.

wierdwords · 23/12/2018 15:09

£50 is far too much for an auntie to be giving an 11 year old! My 16 yo may get £30 from us along with some gifts! I think the scale of your giving is too much. Our children's grandparents will spend up to £30 per child roughly, but might be a lot less. If it must match give oldest £35 but I'd reset the level of giving for next year.

Original poster
thefinn · 23/12/2018 15:12

wierdwords- you are absolutely right and while it's too late now to change things overall we will be scaling back for next birthdays and christmases. That's exactly why my dh is getting tired of his brother and Sil.

OP posts:
BottleOfJameson · 23/12/2018 15:15

YANBU just leave it as it is. If you gave one a bag of haribos and the other a nintendo switch she'd have a point but you if someone takes the trouble to buy your kids nice gifts you don't tot up how much you spent and start moaning about a few euros here and there!

Original poster
thefinn · 23/12/2018 15:26

BottleofJameson thank you! I love giving thoughtful gifts but don't love the demands. Or indeed the email enquiring about if everything is fair when they aren't getting us anything. "fair as you've always been". It's rather ridiculous and I wish it would end. I mean this demanding attitude generally.

OP posts:
Serialweightwatcher · 23/12/2018 15:27

That's a lot of money ... so rip the envelope open and reseal it - I personally think when there are 3 children £20 each is sufficient - very cheeky in my opinion. Start reducing or it will never get better and they may get the hint and if they don't like it, tough

missyB1 · 23/12/2018 15:28

I can see why your Dh is sick of it all! i dont believe in adults demanding family buy this that or the other for their kids - it's bloody rude! And as for saying X amount has to be spent ffs who are these people?!

Scale it right back in future!!

Ethel36 · 23/12/2018 15:31

I agree to scale it back next year. A selection box and ten pound note each is enough from an aunty. Remember people are free to ask but youre in control of your actions. You can say no to requests and gift what you want.

EtVoilaBrexit · 23/12/2018 15:35

£50 is far too much for an auntie to be giving an 11 year old!

You see I don’t agree.
Plenty of 11yo (who will be in secondary school) are getting that amount in pocket money every month.
If you are ok spending that amount of money, then why not doing that??

EtVoilaBrexit · 23/12/2018 15:36

On the other side, cash for a 3yo?!? Who would give money to a 3yo?

SleepingStandingUp · 23/12/2018 15:37

Yeah def drop the cash to match the presents so sving £15 instead of costing you £30

I do tend to match. Eldest is 19 do got less. Second eldest got more but it'll be joint with her birthaytso evens out. Littlest two got the same.

I don't necessarily think £35-£50 is too much, it depends on your income. If Oo ican afford it comfortably and happily that's fine. If you can't, drop it

SleepingStandingUp · 23/12/2018 15:38

On the other side, cash for a 3yo?!? Who would give money to a 3yo?
Why not? It won't be the only present thry are getting and it can be put towards something bigger, spent in the sales etc. My 3 yo will get cash off someone for Xmas. We'll see what presents he has then go sale shopping or save ot

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 23/12/2018 15:39

I agree scale it back. You aren't their parents. Giving gifts should be a pleasure, not a stressful chore

Next year message them and say 'Do you have any ideas what the dcs would like for Christmas, £20 (or whatever) each?'.

Do the same for Birthdays. And make sure you stop when they reach 18/21.

diddl · 23/12/2018 15:40

I also think that £50 is quite a lot.

11 seems so young to me-but I guess too old for toys, but I would probably have given £20/£25 cash & bought something as well.

But the point is if it's supopsed to be equal then yes, £35 cash.

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