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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find this frustrating.. fair kids xmas gifts

61 replies

thefinn · 23/12/2018 14:52

So DH and I are childless however we have loads of lovely nieces and nephews from his side of the family. My dh is already tired of buying for the children, I personally am not (we get nothing in return which is a nonissue for me) however BIL and SIL insist that same exact amount is spent on all their 3 dc. One of the dc, the oldest is saving whereas the younger two wanted special items. AIBU or would we be not to top up the cash gifts for the other two to exactly match the eldest childs cash? The difference is like 50/35/35... I am ill and we can't really come up with anything extra. Christmas eve is the main day here. The inlaws are the type of people to check the exact value. The entire reason for me not to automatically do as demanded is mumset. I think I am being nice to them and that this should not be a problem.

OP posts:

Bringbackthestrioes · 23/12/2018 15:41

You should spend/give the same amount to each child. I have lots of nephews and nieces and would feel very unfair if I spent more on one than another. They may feel there was some favouritism going on.
Just give the eldest less cash.

SpaceDinosaur · 23/12/2018 15:41

I'd have stopped gifting the second they "demanded" anything TBH.

How rude

Original poster

thefinn · 23/12/2018 15:43

Thank you sincerely for all the advise. How they have time for this I don't know

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 23/12/2018 15:43

£50 is far too much for an 11 year old.

Presents should be offered, not demanded. It’s rubbish you get nothing from them. Scale back next year and do what’s easiest for you this year.

IWouldLikeToKnow · 23/12/2018 15:48

I disagree that €50 is too much for an 11 yr old. I spend similar amounts in my nieces /nephew. I've spent more on my Bruce in the past. I think it's up to each person what they seem to be an acceptable amount to spend.

missyB1 · 23/12/2018 15:51

Crikey Bringback If i thought all my nieces and nephews were sitting around comparing how much they thought I had spent on them I would stop buying for them immediately! I will buy what i think is an appropriate gift for each of them that they will enjoy, and and whether one costs more than another is irrelevant.
Whatever happened to kids being grateful for what they got?

Original poster

thefinn · 23/12/2018 15:54

Their children are absolute sweethearts all of them who bring loads of joy to us. It's the parents who can be controlling and very demanding. I am sure this is not really a problem.. as sure as I can be.

OP posts:

AmIAWeed · 23/12/2018 15:55

Just a thought, as the 11 year old is saving for a pet and you appear to think this is an excellent thing for her could you change the £50 to £35 for her as others have suggested and when she gets the pet spend the £15 on something for the animal as an extra incentive. So a note saying when you've enough pennies to buy your insert creature here I'd love to buy his/her first food bowl. That way you get the equal thing to keep the parents happy but also get to give her a little extra for a special gift

formerbabe · 23/12/2018 15:56

How rude of them.

They should graciously accept any gift you choose to give them. They have zero right to demand how much you spend.

Original poster

thefinn · 23/12/2018 15:58

AmIaWeed.. that's a perfect idea!

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 23/12/2018 15:58

And make sure you stop when they reach 18/21 I'm always curious about this. Is this just to extended family or anyone? At 18 or 21 they might value a present and NEED something far more than a 4 yo drowning in a mountain of plastic tat.

Whatever happened to kids being grateful for what they got? I agree BUT think
A) it would be weird to buy one kid a £5 doll and the other a £100 gaming system so there has to surely be some correlation between spends? £5 for a Thomas train or £25 on makeup seems equally weird
B) It must be nice to just go out and buy whatever takes your fancy and ot have to budget. If you DO have to budget then why wouldn't you just budget the same amount for them all?

SleepingStandingUp · 23/12/2018 15:59

but also get to give her a little extra for a special gift which comes back to the idea that the eldest child is the favourite and perhaps makes me wonder if that's what the parents see and are trying to curtail

diddl · 23/12/2018 16:01

They want their kids treating equally & there's nothing wrong with that, although they may be taking it a bit far if they check the price of stuff.

diddl · 23/12/2018 16:02

Op, why do you want to make sure that the oldest gets more from you?

Stripyhoglets1 · 23/12/2018 16:04

Drop the cash amount. Your niece gets what she wants and so do the others. And you get a bonus £15!
I spend approx £20 on my nephews/nieces. Small gift and £15 cash. Spend a bit more on the one that is an only child but is on the other side of the family so no one knows or can compare! And that seems fair as their parents are buying for my 2! I don't double the amounts though next year get your DH to say nephews and nieces have a £20 budget if they are suggesting gifts for you to get!

halcyondays · 23/12/2018 16:07

It would be hurtful for one child to get less than their siblings. Just give less cash to the eldest.

Lifeofsmiley · 23/12/2018 16:10

I would set a budget and split it 3 ways , £20-£25 each

Original poster

thefinn · 23/12/2018 16:12

No I don't want to make sure she gets more. And will give her the same amount now. Maybe because we have discussed about this special cat and i thought somewhat similar amounts would have been ok. But I do get the point. I guess it was the email.

OP posts:

PollyFlinderz · 23/12/2018 16:13

£50 is far too much for an auntie to be giving an 11 year old!

In your opinion.

Original poster

thefinn · 23/12/2018 16:14

Plus I do recognise that because the children are so well mannered, kind and sweet the parents have obviously done a lot right. I just got this email from them this morning and the tone wasn't very nice.

OP posts:

wierdwords · 23/12/2018 16:15

Well, while I still think £50 is too much from one person to an 11year old, I completely agree with the last sentence here. And in the OP's situation she is being railroaded into giving a different amount to what she really wants.

I don't have a Bruce... should I be giving presents to a Bruce too?

PollyFlinderz · 23/12/2018 16:16

Whatever happened to kids being grateful for what they got

It’s not the children. It’s the parents who are dictating an equal spend on the children

Thentherewascake · 23/12/2018 16:16

£50 is far too much for an auntie to be giving an 11 year old!

who made you the Christmas gift police?

LittleOwl153 · 23/12/2018 16:22

All this fairness stuff drives me crazy. Yes massive discrepancy us wrong but some gratitude and realism should come into play. I have 2 nieces. And 2 dc. The eldest dn and my dd are 13 months apart, My youngest dn is 3yrs younger than her sister and a year older than my ds - both in infant school. I am not allowed to do anything with the older dn without the younger one coming too - despite the massive age gap. If I pair up the youngest with my ds that is wrong too as he is just a baby!! he should be left behind so I can take the 3 girls in my sil view.

IWouldLikeToKnow · 23/12/2018 16:27

@wierdwords Bruce definitely deserves a present

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