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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be glad he is still with OW

39 replies

itsnotmyparty · 23/12/2018 09:51

I've just been wondering, if your Ex is still with the OW (or OM) several years later (married etc), are you glad about this?
Does it seem to you like at least it wasn't all for nothing? Especially with children involved, I'm quite glad my ex hasn't introduced my DC to different women and that my DC have a relationship with his wife.
As much as it was awful at the time, we are all happy now I suppose

OP posts:

Pinkprincess1978 · 23/12/2018 10:52

I've not been in that situation but I remember my mum being sad when my dad and his wife (the OW) split as she felt at least her hurt and sadness was worth it if he found happiness elsewhere.

sofato5miles · 23/12/2018 10:57

Yes, I think there can be some solace that the OW/OM relationship works out. But only when you have recovered from the rejection.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/12/2018 10:58

It was years ago and no DC involved but I’m glad my ex is still with the woman he left me for. I remember hearing they were getting married and thinking, as you say, that at least it was worth it. Before their wedding I also heard he was cheating on her but it still went ahead. Many years later he heard I’d split with my XH and got in touch after years of NC to basically proposition me. I ignored him and found out his messages came a few days after their baby was born. He’s still a complete arsehole! Haven’t seen them since but know they’re still together. I never wished her any harm, but she knew we were together when they started shagging and can’t say she wasn’t fully aware of what he was like. So for me, I’m glad they ended up together, it was best for me to be out of it anyway, and I don’t know how I feel about knowing he’s still a total wanker. He’s never ever going to change. And she made her bed I guess.

goldengummybear · 23/12/2018 11:04

I like him staying with OW as I know what she thinks about kids and has left me alone so no craziness towards me either. A new woman is too many uncertainties.

Amibeingnaive · 24/12/2018 00:04

Well, I am the OW and my DH left his first wife for me 10y ago. No kids involved.

I think in that situation I'd feel better if the relationship lasted.

My ex of several years cheated on me with a close friend; it lasted 6 weeks. Obviously infidelity is always shitty and cowardly, but I think it's human nature to romanticise things; had they lived happily ever after I'd probably be less bitter. As it turned out my friend and my boyfriend threw away their respective relationships with me for a handful of shags. I don't much care now, but at the time I felt so worthless and betrayed. Obviously I overcame this to become a massive hypocrite....

DH's ExW went on to marry soon after the event, and have a baby a year or so later. This, selfishly, makes me feel better about the whole situation. Mutual friends inform us she is much happier these days, and I don't think that's just loyalty talking; she genuinely seems to have found someone who is a better fit. Hopefully she can look back on her first marriage and think 'thank fuck that didn't last'...

posthistoricmonsters · 24/12/2018 00:06

I was glad when my abusive ex got together with the OW because he was finally happy to let me leave him. I took the chance.

Honeyroar · 24/12/2018 00:17

Yes. My ex married the woman he was having an affair with less than a year after he left me a few weeks before we should have got married. They were together for at least the following ten years (may well still be, I haven't heard) and have children. I'm happily married to someone else and much in a much better place than I was when with him, so I have no feelings about them really. I do think they're more suited together than I was with him and yes I think at least it didn't all happen over nothing! I will never think they were anything other than pathetic and low for all their scheming and lying, but that's just another thing he and she had in common that he didn't have with me!

Sparklesocks · 24/12/2018 00:22

Yes, my ex is still with the OW. As painful as it was, I’d rather he left me for a woman he truly loves rather than just a quick fling he thought was worth ending our relationship for.

NoIAmSpartacus · 24/12/2018 00:22

I understand you OP. My ex cheated on me with an OW. We broke up, I made my peace with it and was glad he was happy. He was with her for not even a year before cheating on her too and going off to be with the new OW! who he was will probably cheat on soon as-well.

It brought the hurt and upset back and made it seem like it was all for nothing.

tubspreciousthings · 24/12/2018 00:24

Yes I've had a couple of these - I'm glad it was for a good reason/lasting relationship & perhaps it supports the view that they were meant to be together.

If I'm feeling uncharitable I also think that at least they're not inflicting themselves on other people...

moredoll · 24/12/2018 00:33

If I'm feeling uncharitable I also think that at least they're not inflicting themselves on other people

theWarOnPeace · 24/12/2018 00:37

Not OW but ex bf didn’t want to ever marry again or have more children. He was great with his kids and had lovely relationship with his ex wife, but refused to go into another family relationship. We had such a good connection and amazing time together, but broke up because we wanted different things. We both struggled to break up and I was the most heartbroken I’ve ever been. I have to say I’m glad he never did remarry or settle down and have children with someone, otherwise the breakup was about something else... I don’t know but it just feels like a similar type of thing. He was definitely the one that got away, I’d be devastated if the reason we broke up didn’t continue, I guess. It feels like at least it was right that we broke up.

MotherForkinShirtBalls · 24/12/2018 00:53

I despise the pair of them do agree, If I'm feeling uncharitable I also think that at least they're not inflicting themselves on other people... Or as my mother says, "there's no point spoiling two houses with them".

Mari50 · 24/12/2018 01:25

My exH is still with OW, they are married and from what I can gather have a very lovely life. I’m not sure I am happy about that to be honest, I’d rather things hadn’t worked out quite so well for them as they sure as shit haven’t for me.

DaphneBlake101 · 24/12/2018 05:40

My dad left my mum for another woman a lot of years ago when I was a baby. I have no relationship with him but I do prefer knowing that he and the OW are still together, now with children. At least I know he didn't throw away his first marriage on a whim.

Pernickity1 · 24/12/2018 05:48

I can’t understand this thinking at all?! You are all better women than I am. I wouldn’t want them still together and/or happy - I would want them to be alone and miserable!

jessstan2 · 24/12/2018 05:59

I think when you have got over the hurt, moved on etc, and your ex is basically a decent person (good to kids if you have any), then, yes, be glad he has found someone for keeps and hope you do too.

FuckThatNoise · 24/12/2018 06:33

He’s still with her years later, and I’m definitely happy about it. She’s great with the kids, and we can get on okay now too. It took a while for me to feel like that, but I’m glad we’re at this point - way better for everybody (especially the children).

Nquartz · 24/12/2018 06:51

I get this, it's like your partner having a one night stand which 'didn't mean anything ' but was worth risking your relationship for.
I know 2 people who had an affair (not married but together 10 years, living together) & are still with the OM, so it feels like they were with the wrong people (but a really shitty way to get together obvs).

Dontwalkaway · 24/12/2018 07:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rhubarbisevil · 24/12/2018 07:07

My Ex Step Mum was the best mum I never had. My own DM and the new Step Mum are both equally awful.

yuletidiness · 24/12/2018 07:13

Nope not glad at all. I'd rather he was on his own and I was happily remarried. Life's not fair (and judging by the replies on this thread neither am I)

lonelyplanetmum · 24/12/2018 07:18

This is an interesting one.

Two years before we met my DH had left his first wife. He told me no one else had been involved.

BUT, after we were engaged and living together, I found out that, in fact, he had had a close 'confidante' throughout that time who I'll call S.

S had supported him leaving his wife and , of course, they'd had an affair after he left.

To be honest I felt betrayed by what he'd done. Even though it was two years before we met!

Bizarrely, part of me feels that if he had got together with S for the long term then it would have been a bit more of a justification for his decision to leave his ex W and children.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 24/12/2018 07:23

I agree with you mostly. My XH has discovered, having consulted his Dulux colour chart, that the new shade of grass he has with New Wife isn't quite the right shade of green... So he has split up a 20 yr marriage for something that didn't exist, as he is still the same miserable unhappy bastard he always was. And guess what, the problem wasn't just that he was married to me! So that is quite insulting really, and actually agrees with your premise.

strawberrisc · 24/12/2018 07:28

Ex’s wife wasn’t the OW - they met after we split. They have given my DD two sisters. I’m not fond of her due to a situation early in their relationship but their relationship seems to be floundering and I really hope they make it through. She has been very kind to my DD.

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