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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have just sent this text

58 replies

Monty27 · 23/12/2018 02:20

My ds was 23 last week.
I know it hurts him.
His df, my xdh for 21 years has bought hself a farmhouse in France and more or less is domiciled there, coming back to this country from time to time to sort stuff out and show his face to his elderly relatives.
How the hell is a df so casual about parenthood?

OP posts:
Original poster
Monty27 · 23/12/2018 02:41

Thanks for the supportive posts.
I am using my phone to post and the screen has a crack on it so it's hard work.
Not drunk user Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Monty27 · 23/12/2018 02:48

Oh yes bumble
Long story. Selfish selfish man
Unbelievably so

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 23/12/2018 02:56

23 is old enough to not get cards or presents for birthday/christmas, plenty don't go beyond 18/21.

He's a crap parent but his financial obligation technically ended the day your kids turned 18.

Blondebakingmumma · 23/12/2018 03:33

At 23 I wanted to spend my birthday with my friends and not my parents. Happy with a quick birthday phone call

Original poster
Monty27 · 23/12/2018 04:07

Thanks again for the supportive posts.
I feel for people with shit parents.
I suppose I feel a great guilt for choosing the wrong person to have DC's with.
I do try and compensate. To love them doubly
The DC's are fantastic
They don't deserve a shit father
That's all. I am so hurt for them. They seem to manage it ok. But I worry about long term effects

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 23/12/2018 04:25

They'll be OK Monty, they have you. If they had two uncaring parents there would be cause for concern.

Does your ex never see them or treat them?

RavenMaven · 23/12/2018 05:28

23 is old enough to not get cards or presents for birthday/christmas, plenty don't go beyond 18/21

From your parents? I feel for you for having such low expectations of family life. It's not normal to stop acknowledging your own child's birthday ever. I'm 45 and still get cards and presents from my parents!

MintyT · 23/12/2018 06:03

I know exactly how you feel, your hurting as your child is. My x was a wonderful father and husband once upon a time. But he is a rubbish parent now. I have send texts like that. How can they just turn their back. But 5 years down the line he's now contacted me and wants to see his children ( 27,30 and 33 ) they are not bothered now but are still hurt?? The eldest one said he is someone who I once knew and remember fondly (. It still really upsets me

WardrobeInCrisis · 23/12/2018 11:10

Oh, they have you!!

I had two unbelievable poor parents, but your kids do have you!

I don't think ywbu to text. Have you had any reply?

GreenandBlueButterfly · 23/12/2018 11:38

At 23, the relationship should be between your son and his dad. YABU to send that text as it has nothing to do with you anymore.

If they want to be in touch, they will. At that age, it could just as easily have been your son moving abroad and leaving his dad behind

letsdolunch321 · 23/12/2018 11:57

Some parents are like your exh ... my exh is included in this. My two young adults 23 & 27 have cut themselves off from their df. My kids have a very good relationship with me they DO NOT have to him and his negativity in their lives.

For the record my kids came to their own decisions to not have contact.

flamingofridays · 23/12/2018 12:00

Your kids are grown up. Why shouldn't your ex move away? Get a grip

Squatternutbosh123 · 23/12/2018 12:03

flamingofriday don't be so mean. Just because the kids are grown up doesn't mean they don't miss their absent parents. I'm 45 and miss my dad every day

flamingofridays · 23/12/2018 12:10

I never said that they didnt miss him. Therr are such things as phones, FaceTime, texts etc.

It doesnt take that long and isnt that expensive to get to france either is it?

Lynne45 · 23/12/2018 12:19

YABU. Your kids are in their twenties! Fair enough if they sent that text themselves but you shouldn’t have done it for them.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/12/2018 12:24

He sounds selfish OP. Be glad you're free of him. Hope you all have a lovely Christmas anyway.

Mulberry72 · 23/12/2018 12:25

Do you DS & DD ever seem their DF out? Arrange visits, phone him etc?

Works both ways at their age OP.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 23/12/2018 12:29

My parents only ever saw me as an obligation, and stopped doing anything "extra" (birthday cards, Christmas presents, basic human decency) for me as soon as they could. I hope I never stoop to seeing my children as an obligation.
OP, it might not be the wisest thing you ever did, but I think it is completely understandable. No matter how old they are, I think it will hurt me to see my children treated badly.

Flowerpot2005 · 23/12/2018 13:03

Jesus some bad tempered, nasty posters on this thread, back off & post elsewhere if you can't show a bit of compassion!

Not at all unreasonable to send the text you have, you're fighting your DC's corner & he is a shit dad.

I thin in terms of how it will affect DC, well you lead on that tbh. If DS sees you're very upset or angry, he'll feel for you intop of his own feelings. You either need to hide your disappointment or sit down & explain why you're so hurt. Think your DS will understand more than you think OP.

swingofthings · 23/12/2018 13:10

That's ridiculous and quite insulting to your kids that you still feel the need to tackle their own battles. If they're upset, surely they can text their father to let them know themselves.

Sounds like you are annoyed that he's got a good life in France and its more about you being angry than your kids.

MatildaTheCat · 23/12/2018 13:17

I think your energy would be better used on commiserating with your ds about his crap dad and reassuring him that one loving parent is enough. He’s had a long time to get used to the crap parent and it genuinely would be more healthy for him to be realistic and accepting that his dad is useless.

Your text isn’t unreas Land I absolutely get your anger but it’s a waste of your emotional energy. The bitterness is hurting you not your ex.

MorbidlyObese · 23/12/2018 13:19

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Serialweightwatcher · 23/12/2018 13:20

Don't feel bad about the text or swearing, it hurts you because it hurts your son but you know that whatever you put, for someone as self centred as him, it won't affect him in the slightest because he doesn't care - just be there for your son as you always have been and know that one day his father will probably come crawling back when he needs someone and it will be too late - try to have a nice Christmas x

AhNowTed · 23/12/2018 13:26

Perfectly reasonable text OP.

BlueJava · 23/12/2018 13:37

Your DCs are adults, you divorced years ago. Why shouldn't your ex buy a house in France? Sorry you feel hurt and bitter but from what I read you're carrying on ill feelings far too long. Sorry but YABU

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