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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want him to come?

36 replies

MrsBuckettt · 22/12/2018 19:56

Every Boxing Day, my grandmother invites the family to hers for a get together and a meal. I have not been for the last few years, as since moving in with my fiance I have preferred to just stay in and not drive for 90 minutes each way. He has also never been keen on going.

This year however, is different. My grandmother has been ill, she's in her 90s and I'm not sure how long she realistically has left. There's a suspicion this could be her last Christmas. With this in mind, I would like to go on Boxing Day and I would like my fiance to come with me for two reasons 1. He is my fiance and I feel he should make an effort sometimes and 2. I don't fancy the drive on my own on Boxing Day.

Please note, throughout our 9 year relationship I have never made him come to anything like this, I have always gone alone. However, he is reluctant to come as he wants to stay in, chat online with his friends, and play Xbox on Boxing Day. I know it's his bank holiday too but I am a bit pissed off tbh. I've said we will leave to come hom by 7pm at the latest, but he says he doesn't want to be out for more than a couple of hours as he could miss an opportunity to buy something important on a bidding website Hmm He is kicking up a huge fuss.

AIBU to want him to come with me?

OP posts:
StarB3 · 22/12/2018 20:06

It sounds like you could do with his support on this day so no yanbu to ask him to come, that's what partners do, even if they don't feel like doing it.

Divgirl2 · 22/12/2018 20:10

Yanbu, your partner on the other hand? Unless he's 17 is being very unreasonable (and if he is 17 he's still being unreasonable but at least then he'd have an excuse).
Part of being in a couple is doing stuff you don't really want to do for the sake of the other person. This level of selfishness would be a total deal-breaker for me.

RandomMess · 22/12/2018 20:12

Yeah you are below his gaming and shopping priorities...

New year new partner???

OnlyaMan · 23/12/2018 17:40

Does the OP's fiance actually know many (or any) of the OP's family? Is he likely to enjoy the get-together on his own account? And yes, it is his bank holiday as well.
It sounds as if the OP wants him to go with her like a "handbag" or taxi-driver.

userschmoozer · 23/12/2018 17:42

No, like a fiancee. To give support and keep her company.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 23/12/2018 17:46

You each have your separate priorities.
Are you happy with the priorities that your fiancé is choosing, over accompanying and supporting you?
He is being unreasonable. Go on your own. Then decide whether to bin him off.

posthistoricmonsters · 23/12/2018 17:47

I think he could make an exception this time because of the situation.

My arsehole abusive ex wouldn't go to see my nan with me before she died. I was then reliant on him to make the trip. I'll never forget that.

bluejelly · 23/12/2018 17:52

Why don't you fancy the drive, is it really that bad?

LeilaDarling · 23/12/2018 17:53

He sounds like a teenager OP, are you both very young?

IShitChristmasGlitter · 23/12/2018 17:56

He's putting unnecessary shit before you.

Mummyshark2018 · 23/12/2018 17:57

He sounds very childish. I would propose going up on xmas eve and staying up. Let him get on with xmas on his own Grin

DBN1 · 23/12/2018 17:57

Why would you want him to go if you know he doesn't want to be there? I'd not be happy about him refusing in the first place but I'd certainly not be wanting his company!
Do you have any other family you could go with?

kaytee87 · 23/12/2018 17:58

Honestly? I wouldn't marry a man that put playing computer games above a family event.

WorraLiberty · 23/12/2018 18:05

I can't make up my mind if YABU or not really, especially the not wanting to be alone on the drive bit.

Mention computer games here and some people tend to go nuts, calling men childish and crying LTB.

But really there's no difference between that and a MNetter saying, "AIBU to want to put my feet up, open a bottle of wine and do some Mumsnetting?"

Horses for courses.

AllKinds · 23/12/2018 18:07

Absolutely he should come - but he really should want to come to support you.

I wouldn't 'tell' my DH to come with me but I wouldn't be impressed if he didn't.

confusedatchristmas1 · 23/12/2018 18:11

He shouldn't need asking tbh. He should want to support you.

tinytreefrog · 23/12/2018 18:29

He sounds like he's 12! YANBU to want home to come.

However from someone with an unsocial OH, who struggles with family events, sometimes it's just easier to go by yourself and stay as long as you want. At least then you don't have someone moaning at you to leave befor you're ready.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 23/12/2018 18:30

9 years and he’s never bothered before?

He sounds awful.

letsdolunch321 · 23/12/2018 18:35

Maybe tell him how you are feeling.

BeanTownNancy · 23/12/2018 18:43

My husband's main hobby is playing Xbox online with his friends (it's considerably cheaper than his other, sportier hobbies and he is able to stay home and spend time with me/take care of our son so it's a hobby I'm more than happy with) - but he would never choose playing with his friends over attending family events, even if he didn't really want to go. He would always be there if I told him I wanted him there.

As for the "bidding sites", I'm sure he can just step outside occasionally and do that on his phone. He's not being very supportive IMO.

7kyay · 23/12/2018 18:46

Hang on! The OP hasn't been bothered to go the last few years by her own admission just cos she wants to stay home and can't be arsed to drive. I appreciate her grans unwell and this has changed HER priorities and maybe his should change too. However, his perspective isn't entirely unreasonable given how low on the OPs list I can see why the fiancee wouldn't see it as important either

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/12/2018 18:49

Personally I don't think he has to go. You should though as it's yours grandma.

OnlyaMan · 23/12/2018 19:37

I still say the OP considers her fiance as a "handbag", she can drag around to events which she considers important, regardless of his views.
If her fiance agreed to be with her, that would be generous. Most of us (men or women) would consent to that kind of request. Life is like that.
But if I was her fiance, I would be concerned what the next request might be. There is such a thing as precedent. What will she next require him to do? Small things can end up as big things.
This issue might be a "deal-breaker" for him, not her.

BackforGood · 23/12/2018 20:05

YANBU.
I'm not one for a couple having to spend all their time together. I am also used to going to lots of things on my own as I like socialising a lot more than dh does, but there are times when you do things for your partner because they want you to. This is one of those times.

Original poster
MrsBuckettt · 23/12/2018 20:11

I haven't been the last few years mainly because he doesn't want to go and I didn't want to go alone. The reason I don't want to go alone is I am a bit of a nervous driver in the dark, especially as it's quite a rural route with wildlife running in the road etc. He can't drive so I'm not asking for a taxi service.

This year is different as I think it could be my grandmother's last Christmas.

OP posts: