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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to lose my s**** at DH today?

37 replies

Lousummer · 22/12/2018 19:18

So, I’m in bed feeling a little guilty and I’m going over things in mind and I’m trying to pep talk myself not to give in and to stick to my guns.

I have a son he’s mine and step son to DH. He’s a little behind in school work and he has a few little traits/ eccentricities, he’s a little forgetful and strugggles to retain information and sometimes misjudges some social situations/ interactions. I’m his mum and I can’t help but leap to his defence at times as I see a bit of me in him at that age. The problem is dh does love him to bits but in my eyes he’s too tough on him. He’s always making the point he’s behind and that he should nt be watching tv he should be doing extra school work - fine. But then when I sit with him to go through some excercises with him I have dh tutting, commenting, telling me to leave him to it. I can’t be there to hand hold him and just general unhelpful let alone off putting remarks that just causes ds to lose motivation and confidence.

So cut a long story short today things escalated I made the point that he wasn’t being helpful and that I m helping him like he’s made the point to but he really needs to leave us to it as it wasn’t helping the situation. Ds actually burst into tears through pure frustration. I told dh to leave us be and I was told I was being too defensive and that ds would grow up a snow flake .

AIBU?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 22/12/2018 19:20

No, I would be exactly the same.

I'd be also having a come to jesus conversation with him when we were alone about going forward.

RandomMess · 22/12/2018 19:52

How old is DS?

DH doesn't sound very helpful!

JenMumma · 22/12/2018 23:04

Tell him straight that you're helping your son so back off, shut up or bloody go out !!
Hope your boys ok Smile

posthistoricmonsters · 22/12/2018 23:06

Your DH sounds like a cock. Sorry.
My youngest has obvious dyslexia and other special needs. We have to work with her through everything. She appears to be bright, she just needs help deciphering words and writing hers down the correct way and order.
If my OH spoke to us like that, he wouldn't be my OH anymore.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 22/12/2018 23:07

YADNBU. DH sounds like he's being a really dick. Poor DS.

CheshireChat · 22/12/2018 23:13

Looking at things simply, your DS needs to manage to cover all the areas where he's behind and what is currently taught so obviously he'll need help so he can catch up.

He also needs rest times.

You need to talk to your DH and tell him he needs to stop both discouraging your DS and undermining you. You've tried letting him get on with it and clearly it hasn't worked so ask your DH what he suggests.

Skinandbones · 22/12/2018 23:24

My dd is 28 this year, she was like this all the way through school, especially with maths, English and science. She left and went to collage where they bumped her English and maths up, in a totally different way to what school did. She then went on to learn ICT and took window exams.
As a teaching assistant it would annoy me when pressure was put on student to pass their exams.
She still calls neapolitan ice cream Napoleon and say bands have caddies not groupies.
He's got a few years to go and who knows what he will be like in ten years or what job he will end up doing, just support him and as long as he does the best he can do, that will be fine.

Cherries101 · 22/12/2018 23:33

I can see his point of view. If he’s behind in school work he does need to study harder to do as well as other students. I say this as someone with moderate dyslexia and dyspraxia. If something took other students two hours to complete it took me three or sometimes four. I only ever got to watch TV once my homework was completed but it helped me develop strategies to combat my learning issues.

One thing I’d suggest is not letting your DS ask for help until he has at least tried to (and demonstated this) find out the answer himself. Or even ask him to draft an answer before you help. It’s far, far too easy to run to mum every time he hits a roadblock but you won’t be there during exams.

delboysskinandblister · 22/12/2018 23:48

No YADNBU. Your husband is piling on pressure and however 'right' he thinks he is he is not helping. Hasn't he ever been frustrated at not being able to understand something and have a boss like figure towering over him?

All DH's doing is undermining your son's efforts. The important thing is your son is making the efforts. It doesn't matter that he wants or needs your support it's about whatever method your son finds the most helpful. Judgement and critical remarks don't help. I think for now your son needs to have tutor time with whoever makes him feel at ease. If he feel that's you then the rest will follow.

Is there a space in the house where you and DC can go to do this alone?

Northernparent68 · 22/12/2018 23:54

Your husband has a point, your son needs to work hard if he’s behind and should nt need constant supervision.

Handsfull13 · 23/12/2018 00:01

Your husband is being good in showing interest in your sons progression but he's going about it wrong.
I'd sit him down and discuss it. Explain how you are helping him and if you get him caught up you can then start letting him get on with it. Ask him to try you way for the next school term in positive encouragement without the tutting. And if it doesn't work you will try his way the following term.
You both need to be on the same page to help.

PancakesAndMapleSyrup · 23/12/2018 00:02

I would suggest having your child tested by an educational psychologist which you will have to pay for as the schools don't have the budget and will fob you off for years. He sounds very much like my D'S who was subsequently diagnosed as being dyslexic. It really wasn't obvious we thought he was just lazy. And school (or senco) didn't think he was dyslexic apart from 1 teacher who said to me quietly that there was something not quite right and that he ought to be tested. But forgetfulness and being disorganised can be because of an underlying condition. Since diagnoses my D'S has had a weight lifted off his shoulders as he knows there is nothing wrong with him he is just wired a bit differently and has to put adjustments in place in order to understand. The fact that your son is frustrated makes me think that it's a possibility.

delboysskinandblister · 23/12/2018 00:02

how old is DS?

MissyCooper · 23/12/2018 00:04

You’re making him do schoolwork on 22nd December?

I agree that he should be working if he’s behind but he must be knackered. Kids are all knackered at this point. I’m knackered. Can he not have a wee break?

DeepanKrispanEven · 23/12/2018 00:09

Point out to your DH that notoriously "snowflake" is a term used by sociopaths in an attempt to discredit the notion of empathy.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 23/12/2018 00:11

Your DH seems to expect your son to “fix” himself without any help at all!

Noshowofmojo · 23/12/2018 00:15

@gamerchick what is a "come to jesus" conversation?

everydaymum · 23/12/2018 00:28

You ANBU, but neither is DH, apart from his attitude and the delivery of his opinion.
If DS is behind it's not unreasonable to expect him to do extra work rather than watch tv. It's also been generally found that DCs get more from their homework/study when left alone to do it, rather than being helped by a parent. Every DC is of course different and if they seriously do not understand what they're reading then they will need help. So DHs suggestion for work instead of tv and to be doing it alone is fair. The way he put it however wasn't.

MrsTerryPratcett · 23/12/2018 00:35

Does your DH have children?

Because I suspect he's one of those perfect hypothetical parents of imaginary children who knows sooooo much better than actual parents of RL children.

bicky · 23/12/2018 00:41

I second everyone who said get him tested for dyslexia , my daughter waß diagnosed with it earlier this year, her struggles made a lot more sense once we knew

MixedMaritalArts · 23/12/2018 01:22

Learning is not a one size fits all activity. Unless your DH has a B.Ed and you don’t, his input while listened to does not need to be adhered to.It is unhelpful and unrealistic to not provide ongoing guidance for some learners. It’s like dropping people miles from anywhere without a map, compass and other valuable pertinent resources to negotiate a solution - it’s counter productive. This is a child who needs to be encouraged in pursuit of a love of learning. I suppose DH thinks he just worked out everything he knows by himself - not that someone somewhere took the time to teach him - got in a car : instant driver ! picked up a book : read it all the way through first time ! looked at his shoes laces : they tied themselves ! Etc etc. No someone set aside the time to go through the tasks and break down the process for DH to become proficient - perhaps he needs to be gently reminded of this.

Jux · 23/12/2018 14:43

The person who believes in him enough to help him is you, and there's this man undermining you and making sure that ds doesn't forget how useless he is. Lovely.

TooManyPaws · 23/12/2018 14:50

I'm dyspraxic and the forgetfulness, disorganisation and social ineptitude at times all rings bells with me. Pushing like your husband just got me into panic mode. Maybe time to ask the school for help.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 23/12/2018 14:54

Constant little digs won’t do anything to help your son. In fact, they’ll chip away at his confidence.

Question is, what are you going to do about it?

sparklesaremyfavourite · 23/12/2018 14:54

DH is being very unfair to your DS. Unkind, unhelpful, and totally undermining you. You stay strong and don't back down. DS has a great mother.