Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to lose my s**** at DH today?

37 replies

Lousummer · 22/12/2018 19:18

So, I’m in bed feeling a little guilty and I’m going over things in mind and I’m trying to pep talk myself not to give in and to stick to my guns.

I have a son he’s mine and step son to DH. He’s a little behind in school work and he has a few little traits/ eccentricities, he’s a little forgetful and strugggles to retain information and sometimes misjudges some social situations/ interactions. I’m his mum and I can’t help but leap to his defence at times as I see a bit of me in him at that age. The problem is dh does love him to bits but in my eyes he’s too tough on him. He’s always making the point he’s behind and that he should nt be watching tv he should be doing extra school work - fine. But then when I sit with him to go through some excercises with him I have dh tutting, commenting, telling me to leave him to it. I can’t be there to hand hold him and just general unhelpful let alone off putting remarks that just causes ds to lose motivation and confidence.

So cut a long story short today things escalated I made the point that he wasn’t being helpful and that I m helping him like he’s made the point to but he really needs to leave us to it as it wasn’t helping the situation. Ds actually burst into tears through pure frustration. I told dh to leave us be and I was told I was being too defensive and that ds would grow up a snow flake .

AIBU?

OP posts:
adreamofspring · 23/12/2018 14:58

Your husband isn’t a bad person but he is certainly lacking empathy or an awareness of how to help a child develop. He needs to understand that his words are actually going to have a negative impact on your son’s ability to catch up and continue growing his development and confidence. Maybe get him to do some reading on positive reinforcement or growth mindset (carol dwek) to understand his role in enhancing your DS’s capacity to learn. That’s the least he can do - particularly if he’s not actually offering practical help.

rabbitfoodadvocate · 23/12/2018 15:00

Better a 'snowflake' than a prize arse!

amunt · 23/12/2018 15:17

I wonder if this kind of thing is sector protectionism - I made a formal complaint about our NHS SALT because she was so obviously anti but also uniformed about ABA in her report for the LA.

WeMarchOn · 23/12/2018 15:46

Please please don't consider ABA it's just awful and something I'm dead against, I'm Autistic and have 2 daughters also Autistic and there is no way in hell i would put them through it x

amunt · 23/12/2018 20:59

WeMarchOn, what do you understand by ABA and what specifically are you against?

amunt · 23/12/2018 21:05

Ah, just realized I manage to post something meant for another thread - shame there's no delete button.

DeepanKrispanEven · 23/12/2018 21:51

amunt, you can report your posts and ask for them to be deleted.

Jux · 23/12/2018 21:52

@WeMarchOn, I too am curious abut what you have against ABA, as friends I have with an autistic dd have fond it amazingly helpful to her. I know that when Lovaas (?) first used it with autistic people it was brutal, but it is not so now, afaik. Electric shocks, for instance, are tcerainly not used, and from what my friends describe it seems more focussed on positive reinforcement than anything.

WeMarchOn · 23/12/2018 22:43

@Jux most Autistic adults are against it, why try and fix (you can't fix) when you can embrace on their differences? Autism isn't a disease it's a neurological disorder which basically means your brain is wired differently, what is wrong with that? A lot of scientists and doctors are Autistic!! I don't see how it's beneficial or right in my opinion, I accept others have different opinions

amunt · 23/12/2018 23:20

@WeMarchOn
That's why I asked what your understanding of ABA is. Because the 'trying to fix' is not part of any ABA I have been a part of. The parents of kids who are going to be doctors and scientists probably don't have the problem of them smearing faeces on the wall or head-butting a concrete floor. ABA is a teaching approached used in many different areas apart from autism - why deny a child access to a potentially beneficial way of learning just because they are autistic. I also accept others have different opinions.

Jux · 30/12/2018 22:47

@WeMarchOn I worked with autistic people for some years. I can promise you that no one was trying to 'fix' them and no one thought that autism was anything other than a neurological disorder which was beyond medical science to change. Yes, knew beyond doubt that autism meant the brain was wired differently and we had many team meetings where we tried to imagine how it might feel for a particular child, what it was they experienced when they did interact iwth the world so that we might have a better understanding of how to present the therapy more effectively. No one was trying for a cure or a fix, we knew that was impossible.

If you have a small child who is basically not interacting at all with the world, except to climb furniture, perhaps, and has no speech and apparently no understanding of language, who spends the day climbing and masturbating, despite being 4 years old, what do you do? Are you suggesting that that child should just be left to do that? That nothing should be attempted? That their world cannot be improved in any way? That they do not need to learn how to feed themselves, speak, understand language and writing, that they should be left to 'stim' as much as they like despite them weeing on the carpet and stmming to the exclusion of food and drink?

The ABA I was involved in was for children and helped them to understand concepts, learn to read and write and all sorts of things. Most of the very young children I worked with did at last go to mainstream schools and managed there pretty well, something they simply wouldn't have been capable of without the therapy. Perhaps some of them might have got to mainstream school in much more time, grown into it in a way, developed those concepts and skills etc left to themselves, but they'd have been in primary at age 15, whereas most of them attended primary by the time they were 7 or 8. I think that's a therapy worth consideration. Every session was geared specifically to that child and whatever stage they themselves were at, so we didn't try to teach them the concept of a picture of a thing having a relationship to the reality of that thing before they had grasped that things have specific names which they could recognise either through sound or through some other means.

Alas, I have moved miles away from that area now so don't know how those children have managed since, but I know that a lot of those children learnt to use cutlery, use the loo, indicate their needs, and much much more, through the use of ABA.

Did you know there was a very large electronics company whose Head of R&D was autistic? I met him when I was at University. His job was perfect for him.
I have read many books by Temple Grandin.
Have you read The Speed of Dark by Elizabeth Moon? Her son is autistic, and she imagines a world where autism is celebrated and particular talents which are common in autism (the noticing of small details in large patterns for instance). I loved that book because I wanted a world like the one at the start of the book and it gave many parents of autistic children much hope that we could build a world which did that. Obviously, we haven't.

Yes, I want a world where autistic people, where all people, are celebrated for their own individual abilities and talents. That world does not include children being left to stim at the age of 40+ because no one has bothered to try to help them understand the world around them and find ways to interact with it meaningfully.

One of the saddest memories of my life is of a man I used to work with about 30 years ago. His son was autistic, about 40 yo back then. The son had been in an institution for 20+ years, where they just drugged him to keep him quiet. His parents visited him every week but he didn't respond to them or anything else. Nothing. What was going on in that lad's life? When his parent 'put' him in the home he had become violent but was still unresponsive to anything much; they couldn't manage him any more,he beat them up, he broke the furniture and the windows, his mum had a breakdown. What was done back then, 50 odd years ago was to drug them into quiescence and leave them in a chair by the window in an institution. That's not really an answer is it?

If an autistic person is able to live in the world on their own terms and has brought themself to that point without help rather than having a therapy of some kind then hats off to them. But I would respectfully suggest that not all autistic people are able to do that. ABA has helped a lot of autistic people, and almost certainly still does, but what do I know?

WeMarchOn · 30/12/2018 23:58

@Jux I believe I did say I accept everyone has different opinions, going from being in Autistic environments online and real life the consensus is we don't agree with it, that's our opinion but it doesn't make us or you right! Bit like politics i guess!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page